Dane Cook Whines About How He Looks in “My Best Friend’s Girl” Movie Poster

To summarize, I’m embarrassed for Dane Cook. His attempt at hilarity via typing a funny, lightly comedic or grin worthy MySpace blog post falls short.

Note to male ranting celebrities: Men who whine and bitch and care so much about their looks will never be considered hot while they’re doing so. In fact, it will have quite the opposite effect.

Note to everyone on the planet who can read and write: Write, post or send absolutely nothing when you’re upset because you will regret it. Always.

I must post Dane’s rant in its entirety. It’s breathtaking how much of a crybaby he is. And if you don’t know how to spell Britney Spears’ name right - he has a “Brittany Spears’ vagina” reference in here - I’m boycotting your movie and I hope you OD tomorrow. It’s BRITNEY, douche!

* I’ll be posting the movie poster a few times throughout his rant so you can briefly glance at it to observe just how much he’s barking about nothing.

1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips:
It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh:
It’s no secret that I’m more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I’ve got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin’ bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would look at me and say “shit … that guys got flawless skin!”

7. Hair:
It’s actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin’.

8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:

A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.