January 2009 News Archive (Page 2)

I'm in the job hunting process right now because I wanna have money to do things like travel, get butt facials and buy my panties at Victoria's Secret instead of Walmart. I realize that it's crucial for me to get another job in order to do these things, so I'm on the prowl.

For years I've told people my view on job hunting, 'Job hunting is prostitution!' When I tell people that they either laugh, give me some stink eye, or both. When they're done reacting, they always ask, "Why? Explain what you mean by that?"

It's really simple. First of all, as a job seeker, you have to dress up. This is where the exploitation begins. You're putting in the effort to sell yourself, i.e. your body, and you're hoping that it sells for the right price.

Next, you meet up with the interviewer in a private, publicly undisclosed location to discuss transactions. Upon initial introduction, he or she looks you up and down, figures out whether or not you're their style then asks, "What can you do for me?" and how much you charge for service. Now that is clearly prostitution plain and simple.

This form of prostitution is a grueling, time consuming process, but in the end no one climaxes. Unless you start having sex with your boss or co-workers. I don't have to job hunt; I just think I have too much time on my hands and I'd like to make some new sexy co-workers cause I do shit where I eat. It makes for wonderful stories at various social functions like with prospective employers at job fairs.

... At the Elie Saab Spring/Summer 2009 collection in Paris.

Mischa Barton is so effed up!!! I love it. Her eyes say, 'I'm dead.' her hair says, 'I smell,' and her smirk says, 'You can screw me without a condom, but you have to pull out. It'll be our little secret.' Yeah, that's exactly what her body language is saying. And Kanye's just like, "LOOK HOW FRESH MY SUIT IS... NUFF SAID!!!!"

Before we pity the star for packing on unwanted pounds, let's remember how well weight gain-and-loss stories sell magazines.

"She's loving it," said a source close to Simpson, who suspects her weight gain is strategic. "It will probably get her back on covers right when she is a 'supporting' act on tour. I bet Joe (Simpson) has already sold the weight-loss story."

Do you believe it? Papa Joe is on crack, so I do. Jessica was wearing high waisted jeans, which does nothing for someone who has weight on. She had to know that she looked like shit, right? I mean no one wears an outfit like that unless it's a joke. I'm saying this as a woman who went to the grocery store this morning braless and gross, like no self-respecting woman should ever do. But I knew it, so I gave no eye contact and used the self-checkout line. I wasn't posing for the paps. Jess, on the other hand, has a glam squad. She either hates her life or the people around her hate her.

I wouldn't go so far as saying that she loves being called a fat ass, but the fact of the matter is that she will lose the weight. Jessica has yoyo'd before, this is really nothing new. Expect her face, "Diet Secrets" and "New Body" to hit magazine covers in the next few months.

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Mother of two Britney Spears got her body back, but I'm not that impressed with that. She has all the help in the world to do so and 10 fingers from which she can choose to shove down her throat.

What I think is so impressive is that this ho obviously ain't wearing no granny panties, or any panties for that matter, and she's at an effing dance rehearsal shaking her ass - for a freakin' photographer to put pictures up on her website! Does she want new crotch shots? Did she glue her pants to her pelvic bones? I am so confused.

Anyway, Brit Brit's smoking hawt again!!! And I want some of that pelvic glue shit. It could really come in useful for hanging random items on walls and decorating. How come her pants aren't around her ankles?

After receiving lots of negative press, Matthew Knowles and Kelly Rowland have each issued statements about the split.

Matthew says,

"After a very positive meeting between Kelly Rowland and myself, we have amicably agreed to end our professional relationship. My company, Music World, will continue to manage Destiny's Child as a group. As an artist Kelly has incredible talent and I only wish her the best. We will always be family first and foremost, and as a dad I only have love for Kelly."

Kelly says,

"Mathew Knowles has been a positive influence in my career. I have had great success under his guidance - both as a member of Destiny's Child and with my solo projects. Although we have decided to part ways professionally, the Knowles family and the entire Music World Entertainment team will always be my family."

There was a recent rumor floating that Kelly and Solange had beef. Matthew Knowles said that Solange should perform at Fashion Rocks while Kelly felt Michelle should. Kelly said Michelle deserves it as both a member of Destiny's Child and an artist with an upcoming album release. Solange found out, called Kelly up, and they had a huge falling out.

Who the eff knows the inside scoop? All I know is that this split is way overdue. Never get a manager who is also the manager his or her own children cause guess who will always come first and receive preferential treatment?

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck is expecting her third child.

"I'm pregnant again!" she announced Thursday morning on The View. "I'm due in August. I'll try to pop this one out before we leave [on summer hiatus], Barbara."

The 31-year-old and her husband, Tim, 30, are already the proud parents of 3-year-old daughter Grace, and son Taylor Thomas, who just celebrated his first birthday Nov. 9.

"We were thoroughly happy with the surprise of it," she said. "I didn't even know for two months."

The ardent Republican added that she thought she was tired from the hoopla of the election, but "No �" I was knocked up and didn't realize it!"

How does a grown ass woman get all surprised and say she "didn't realize" she was pregnant? Elisabeth probably uses that rhythm method shit, a birth control method I'd love to use, but I can't count past 18 so I would screw things up.

Congrats!

People

Ashlee Simpson's blog post in defense of Jessica Simpson,

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Open letter to Ashlee Simpson,

Ashlee, you were headline news when you had your lip synch faux pas on SNL! We've been talking about Barack Obama for the past two years, we're not going to stop covering celeb gossip just because he's in office. And the world won't become this magical place where no one criticizes another just because he's Mr. President. As you said, it's a week after the inauguration, it's time to make fun of Jess!

Weight standards for women in general are stricter than those for men, and female celebrities are no stranger to this form of scrutiny. This is something that you're very familiar with - that's why you chopped off your nose, get weaves and dye your hair red all in a quest to look hot.

Who the eff is a size 2 - cause it ain't Jessica! When defending a woman's figure, why complain about her being a size that she may have been in the past but isn't in the present? Why does Jessica even have to be a size 2 for you to make a point that we shouldn't be discussing her weight gain? Even if she really were a size 0 right now, the camera doesn't lie and the bitch don't look good! Right now she's a size Got Back Fat, Gut and Big Arms.

Just be grateful that you were able to ride her coattails and become famous. In other words, you should be flattered that anyone's talking about Jessica or yo ass.

I still love ya!

Firecracker

Here's overweight comedic actor Jonah Hill at a Lakers game. I knew he was tryna lose some weight, being pictured going to and from LA gyms, but he still looks big to me. I wanna play with some of his double chins.

After seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay's freedom from SaMANtha's bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay"s life, things have taken a dark turn.

I am torn to see that SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay"s presence? Did SaMANtha's fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I'm not going to sit back and let it slide.

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren't just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

Remember I blamed Lindsay Lohan's weight loss on Samantha and said, "I blame Samantha Ronson, just call me Michael Lohan"?! Who knew I could see into the future and shiz?

SaMANtha is more of a man than he will ever be! Michael Lohan is a fucking child, running to his computer to type away hoping that we'll believe SamRo is the problem. How the fuck does a man in his 40s behave like this? WHY does this happen and how can we prevent it? I'm not just talking about his psychosis, I'm also talking about his fashion choices.

Michael Lohan's blog

After baring her ass in The Breakup and having racy pics taken of her like the one above, not to mention her nekkidness in GQ magazine, Jennifer Aniston has turned down an offer to pose in the buff for Playboy magazine.

Jennifer Aniston has turned down a $4 million offer to pose naked for Playboy.

Magazine boss Hugh Hefner reportedly approached the former Friends star after her recent photo shoot for GQ, in which she posed nude except for an appropriately placed necktie. Sources claim the 40-year-old star isn't interested in showing off any more of her body, and turned down the offer.

You know she wanted to take it. Jen doesn't have issues with baring it all, she just doesn't wanna lose the respect of her fellow actors and fans. Too bad there's not much of that stuff left since she began dating John Player.

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