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While I was bored and rained-in due to the weather - yes, those are the only reasons why I decided to do this - I proceeded to cyber stalk my most recent "love of my life."

Now the whole "love of my life" phrase is one that I only began using last month. I enjoy it much, actually, because I think the denotations are accurate: This love was gravitational; it's like there was a magnet inside my vadge and one in his peanus. It was like some straight biological shit. Nature. And we were supposed to be together. Being in his presence felt like an orgasm of sexual chemistry, compatibility, fate and destiny exploded deep within my yearning heart. Move over Shakespeare!

I proceeded to stalk my ex online, but I ran into a few major problems. His name is EXTREMELY common. Ugh.

1) Hundreds of "him" appear in any inquiry.

2) The dudes who really look like him only really look like him cause the pics are way too small for me to know whether they're him or not.

3) If I do find him, that would ignite an entirely different dilemma. What am I supposed to do? Would I be tempted to send him a friend request or message when things ended horribly?

I need to know what he's up to. I need to know that he's married and has a baby girl who looks like a tranny and that his wife gained 400 pounds during her pregnancy and they no longer have sex and he's miserable. These are the things that I'd love to know, Facebook. If only his name weren't so freakin' common, and if only Facebook's privacy settings weren't so strict.

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8 Comments

  1. jen

    Thanks to facebook and Myspace I no longer need to attend my high school reunion.

    Facebook is way too strict, unless you are friends with a person who has a private profile they give you a thumbnail to look at and this is it. Myspace at least gives you a wallet size so you can at least get a general ideas of if you got the right person or not.

  2. Craigmackk

    And two thumbs up from me on it too, FC. :)

  3. Firecracker

    Sure, but it makes for a good story, Mr. Mackk. :)

  4. Craigmackk

    Facebook and other social networking sites creates drama and invokes the stalker in all of us. What would this world be without the sites? Boring as hell! Haha.

    But I agree with the others above, though, that it still doesn't serve much purpose and time and that you should move forward.

  5. Firecracker

    I will so find a better love this year but I would also love to know that he's miserable. The investigation continues! Kidding.

    I hear you, a better, wealthier love will come my way and I'll get knocked up soon so I can get some Daddy Dude checks. Maybe I'll save his sperm from condoms and get some IVF Nadya Suleman shit going on too. Y'all already know where to go to donate for the kids. Just click the "contact" tab at the top of this page and ask for my Paypal email address, lmao.

    I was lovin' Facebook. I'm kinda cool on it right now, but it's much more entertaining than the once trendy MySpace.

  6. Mr. Gyllenhaal

    LOL! You can't do anything! Just let it rest and find a better love! If only my fav blogger would facebook her favorite fan then sparks would fly and true love would finally exist:)!

  7. Firecracker

    Stalking's fun, those who do so know this is true.

  8. Amy Grindhouse

    You 'need' to know? Oh, baby girl... but the keyboard down. Stalking solves nothing!

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