The John Mayer and Kristin Cavallari dating rumor did seem far fetched, but considering what a slut John Player is, we all believed it.
Being the humorous cocky jerk that he is, John denied Kristin Cavallari hookup rumors by posting the following Tweets yesterday.
"Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman...I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis,"
"I'm sure she's a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together."
"My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli."
"I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James."
Dammit, I've already forgiven him for being a douche! John's tweet about bartling her James is hysterical.
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September 10th, 2009 12:14 PM
Kim: Hi.
Kourtney: Hello, Kim.
Kim: What's wrong with you?
Kourtney: I'm having a baby and I'm having a rough day too, Kim.
Kim: Ok, well, that's all you had to say, Kourtney.
Khloe: Hi.
Kim: Hi.
Kylie: I hate mom!
Kim: Why?
Kylie: She made me give up my cellphone all because my grades are poor.
Kim: Well, lemme see your report card so I can see what kinda grades you make.
Kylie: Here's my report card. [gives Kim her report card]
Kim: Whoa. You're failing math?
Kylie: Yea. Only because the teacher is a bitch and I don't like her.
Kim: Well, Kylie, there's alot of rude people out there in life and you just gotta learn how to ignore them.
Kourtney: That's right, Kylie. Don't doing what Kim and I used to do when we were 16.
Kylie: Ok.
Kourtney: That's my girl.
Kim: By the time I turned 16; my dad had to nail my windows shut so I couldn't sneak out.
Kylie: Omg. Really?
Kim: Yea. [thinking] If Kendal wears makeup to school today; we'll have to keep it a secret from Bruce, her dad.
Kendal: I'm ready for makeup, Kim.
Kim: Alright. Follow me into my bedroom so I can do your makeup.
Kendal: Alright. [follows Kim into her bedroom]
Kim: First thing's first, we're gonna put eyeshadow on. [looks at Kendal's outfit] You're wearing pink so we need pink eyeshadow for your eyes. [puts pink eyeshadow on Kendal] Now, we need black eyeliner for you. [puts eyeliner on Kendal] For the last bit of makeup we need mascara for you. [puts mascara on Kendal]
Kendal: Thank you, Kim. [hugs]
Kim: I knew you'd like it.
Kylie: Can you do my makeup too?
Kim: No, Kylie, you're not 13 yet. I didn't start wearing makeup until I was 13 like Kendal.
Kourtney: Let's go, Kendal.
Kendal: Ok. [goes with Kourtney out to the car]
Kourtney: [drives Kendal to school]
Kendal: Bye. [goes into the school]
Kourtney: [drives home]
Kim: BTW, Kourtney, Kylie is suspended until Monday because she bumped into another girl her age and she cussed her out.
Kourtney: Oh.
Narrator: This concludes today's episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode.
September 10th, 2009 12:42 PM
Kim: Hi.
Khloe: Hi.
Kim: What's going on?
Khloe: Nothing. I think Adrienne broke up with Rob.
Kim: What the hell?!
Rob: What's wrong with Kim?
Kendal: She's shocked that Adrienne dumped you.
Rob: What the hell?!
September 10th, 2009 12:59 PM
Mia: Hi.
Melanie: Hi.
Mia: What's wrong?
Mia: Stephanie hates me. So, does Nathan.
Mia: Why?
Melanie: I dunno.
Chelsea: Hi, Melanie.
Melanie: You don't hate me either, do you, Chelsea?
Chelsea: No, I don't, Melanie.
Melanie: I'm glad.
Joy: Is Chloe ok?
Lexie: Yea. She's fine.
Joy: I'm Joy by the way.
Lexie: Oh, I'm Lexie. You must be Joy Wesley, Chloe's 16 year old sister.
Joy: Yea.
Chloe: Well, hi, Joy!
September 10th, 2009 1:31 PM
*sigh* Just when I think I'm over him, he reels me right back in again. That was HILAR! Lurve him!