Tiger Woods will be holding a news conference at the PGA Tour Headquarters this Friday at 11:00 AM Eastern. Tiger Woods will NOT be taking any questions. He will simply give a public statement and that is all.

I'm hoping the statement will go something like this, and this is a rough draft, just typing shiz as it comes:

Thank you for joining me today. As you know, I have had personal struggles and I have tried to conceal them from not only the public, but also from my close friends and family. Initially I said that I had "transgressions" and I requested both space and privacy, but I realized that one's recovery requires full admission of the truth. I have done things that I am ashamed of. I will not be giving details on my mistakes because, although I am a public figure, I still believe that my private life should remain private.

My beautiful wife Elin has stood by me and words can not express my unconditional gratitude for her unwavering love and support. I am determined to be the best husband and father that I can possibly be and I am looking forward to returning to the wonderful sport of professional golf.

* How's that, all? Yeah, it kind of sucks. I know, but my point is, let's pretend that I have one, is that Tiger's not going to give any details on what he done did and with what hookers and porn stars. He will thank his wife, try to get us to focus on how he wants to be a great husband and father, and he'll remind us that he's human and sh*t and likes to golf. For realz.