Lindsay Lohan’s not big on legal obligations, but she’s doing a pretty good job of keeping up with her restraining order with sanity, by staying at least 50 feet from reality at all times. According to an anonymous friend who spoke to TMZ, Lohan spent much of her belated birthday party on Wednesday boasting that she was definitely “not going to jail.”

This is hilarious for a number of reasons: 1. She is definitely going to jail. It may only be for 3 weeks or something lame like that, but you can put money on the fact that b*tch will be doing time. Even L.A. judges have their limits. 2. Are any of Lindsay’s friends not anonymous? Who would admit to still being friends with her?

I’m pretty sure at this point Lindsay’s “friends” are just a bunch of random people who earn their living by reporting all of the f’ed-up things that come out of her mouth to gossip sites. Eventually she’ll wonder why they’re all carrying boom mics and tape recorders, and finally stop talking. 3. How many birthday parties is this chick gonna have? When you’re a rich drug addict, isn’t every night a party? Do you really need the birthday excuse?

You’d think with all the lesbians and drugs she can expect to find in jail that Lindsay would be saving her strength, but apparently she’s gonna keep gettin’ her retarded on right up until they lock her away, thus ensuring that people like me have something to write about for another week. She’s a true American hero.