Jersey Shore Recap: "Yo, Mad Drama, Kid. Mad Drama"

That quote is from Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino...or Shakespeare, I forget which. Either way, it pretty much sums up last night's episode of Jersey Shore.

Drama was the word of the day in casa de guido, as relationships ended and dishes went unwashed (Angelina should probably just die already, ya know?).

The episode started with Snooki and J-Woww (it's weird to hear them call each other "Jenny" and "Nicole") discussing the "anonymous" letter they wrote to Sammi.  I can't help but think there's a better way to tell your roommate her boyfriend's a man whore. The letter's in her bedroom. Who is she supposed to think wrote it, the Smoosh Fairy?

To ease the tension, Snooks and J-Weezy go out to celebrate Gay Pride Week in Miami, but more drama ensues when Snooki's douchey boyfriend, Emilio gets pissed at her for hanging out with dudes. Ummm...Emilio, have you seen the show? Be happy it's Gay Pride Week, because that's about the only time you don't have to worry about Snooks rubbing up against something sweaty when she goes out.

A high point of the episode came when Snooki explained the definition of "gay" to Emilio. Apparently, they don't have any of those back home. "They're not attracted to vagina! They're attracted to c*ck," Snooks screamed before slamming down the phone. Who knew? It's good that they don't allow cell phones in the house. All those pissed-off, old-school phone-slam hang ups really add to the drama.

With that, Emilio and Snooks are dunzo and there's one more super-tanned, big-haired hook-up monster running around Miami. Snooks declared her independence by holding one of those picture-burning ceremonies that I thought only happened in romantic comedies.

Meanwhile, The Situation and his boys find themselves in a situation involving too many hoes in the house. Fortunately, one of the skanks is a "hippopotamus," meaning that she has body fat someplace other than her boobs. Gross! Fortunately, our heroes found a way to get "the grenade" to "blow up in Ronnie's room."  Everyone got laid while the possibly slightly overweight chick slept quietly. That's the kind of happy ending that brings tears to my eyes.

There was more Angelina hatin' as the house outcast chatted on the phone instead of doing the dishes. This prompted more fat jokes from The Sitch, who told her to "get on the treadmill." Are these guys aware they live with Snooki, who is, ya know, actually fat?

But the real sh*tstorm struck when Snooki and J-Woww finally decided to deliver the controversial letter to Sammi. To the surprise of no one with an actual, working brain, both Sammi and Ronnie became quite interested in finding out who wrote the letter. Sherlock Ron lets Snooki off the hook, determining that the two-syllable SAT word "wisely" would be beyond her vocabulary. In one of this season's funnier moments Ron declares, "I'm more pissed that the letter was anonymous, because they think I'm f*cking stupid and I'm not gonna know who wrote it." Well, Ron, you don't know who wrote it, so I guess you're...never mind.

The guys declare it's time for GTF. No, not gym, tan, f*ck...gym, tan, "find out who wrote the letter," duh. At this point the mystery is getting deep, and it basically turns into an episode CSI, but with better abs.

The letter proves to be a good idea, as Sammi's embarrassment is lessened by the note being passed around and read by every person in the house.

In his usual gentlemanly fashion, Ronnie says he "can't keep doing this with Sammi." Can't keep doing what? Getting caught cheating? Ronnie then takes revenge on Sammi (revenge for getting caught cheating?!) by placing a call to his "hometown honey" and inviting her down to Miami for some GTS, which I'm guessing means gym, tan, Scrabble.

Ronnie and Sammi finally end it in the mature fashion we've come to expect from these two, with Sammi saying she "should've cut" Ronnie a long time ago and Ronnie weirdly calling her "bro," repeatedly. Stay classy, ya'll.

So ends another week of high drama in Wuthering Heights. I mean, Miami Beach.