This week’s episode of Jersey Shore started in typically classy fashion, with Snooki dribbling a shot of tequila all down her stumpy self like she just realized her dental dam broke, then flashing her a*s to the camera while she goes and spews in the bushes. She then walked up on a stage and accepted an honorary degree from Harvard. Just kidding about that last part.
What she actually did next was climb in bed with every dude in the house. Literally. Since none of the previous three bears would eat her, Stumpy-locks decided that Vinny’s bed was just right. “If she’s just gonna throw it at me, I’m gonna take it,” Vin said, making sex with Snooki sound like taking a free sample of lemon chicken from the Chinese guy at the food court.
Snickers, on the other hand, had a far more generous description of bumpin’ furries with Vinny, “It was like trying to squeeze a watermelon into a pinhole.” Way to go, Vin! I wonder how much I’d have to pay my girlfriend to go on TV and describe sex with me that way.
After that, all the girls went to the beach, where no one bothered to explain to Snooki that you can’t get much of a tan when you’re dressed like Morticia Addams. However, this secret kept everyone from having to look at Snooki’s upper body, so let’s all agree as a nation to not tell her the truth, OK?
The Situation, meanwhile, broke down the Sammi/Ronnie situation in uncharacteristically sensitive fashion. “He’s 100% wrong. He f*cked-up hardcore and made you look stupid,” he told Sam. Then he got busted for lying about seeing Ronnie hook up with other chicks. Whoops. So much for Mr. Sensitivity.
Next, Snooki and J-Woww tried unsuccessfully to convince Angelina that she’s just as involved with the letter-to-Sammi thing as they are. Ummm….you guys wrote the letter and she didn’t so…At first, I was pissed at those two for forcing me to side with Angelina, but they made it up to me by sending her to go fetch Sammi like her name was friggin’ Jeeves. Ha! Then Snooki says, awesomely, “Angelina, shut the f*ck up, because who are you?” Yes! Why do I hate Angelina so much? Oh yeah, because she sucks.
Sh*t hits the fan hard – or, “things get gangsta,” as The Sitch puts it – when Jenni decides to flip out on Sammi, for some reason. Then everything turns into a game of Clue as Sammi goes all Colonel Mustard and waits until everyone is in the room before she tries to solve the mystery of who wrote the letter. It was Snooki and J-Woww, in the weird 90′s-style internet cafe, with the candlestick!
“We never should’ve written that letter, because she obviously didn’t appreciate it,” says Snookers. No, she probably appreciates the letter, just not the whole everyone she knows lying to her about it part.
Sammi and Ronnie finally call it quits officially (though later we see them kissing in the car. Whatev.) and Ronnie goes all emo, saying, “All I can do is give her her space and hope time will bring us back together.” Lots of dudes turn all tragic Romeo like that after they get dumped, but it’s even funnier when dude is a ‘roided-up a-hole.
Meanhwile, Vinny becomes concerned about a pain in his eye, which was probably caused by poking himself in it with his giant wang. He goes to the doctor’s and nothing comes of it, so I guess MTV just put that scene in there to make the whole country jealous that the Jersey Shore guys have healthcare.
One of the funnier scenes this season comes when The Situation takes a chick home from the club and makes her wait in his bedroom while he eats a four-course meal, smokes a cigarette, solves the New York Times crossword puzzle and writes a short children’s book about the importance of sharing. I might’ve made part of that up. Anyway, then he goes into his room and comes out two minutes later, wearing a damn hat! Did he bang her with the hat on? Now, that’s class.
It gets better. The Sitch goes back to bed and tells the girl he called her a cab! The amazing this is, we can all watch him pull this sh*t on TV every week, yet he still gets away with it. That’s pimpin’.
The time comes for giant guido Sunday dinner, and the girls crawl their hung-over a*ses out of bed to make good on their promise to cook. Snooki calls her ex-boyfriend for advice on how to make food happen, and shocks everyone by knowing how to spell “tomato.” Then she and J-Woww go shopping and try to figure out what a quart is. Seriously.
Because they all secretly hate each other and love drama, the girls b*tch at each other about dinner and Sam refuses to eat, because apparently she’s 12 now. Against all odds, they cook up a decent meal, or, as J-Woww puts it, “At the end of the day, we all had a good dinner. Nobody talked sh*t. Everyone enjoyed the meal, except for Debbie Downer.” Harsh.
Sammi and Angelina form an alliance, setting the stage for what could be an awesome season finale two-on-two cage match with Snooki and J-Woww. Fingers crossed! Sammi exploits her new “friendship” with Angina by getting her to fess up about who wrote the letter. Did I mention I hate Angelina?
Everyone goes clubbing and karma hits The Situation hard, as Mikey mistakenly hooks up with a pretty obvious tranny. A lesson is learned by all. Every guy who visits Miami (or San Fran; Vegas; Trannytown, Pennsylvania…) would do well to follow Vinny’s advice, “If you have to stop and think about it, it’s probably a dude.” Words to live by.
I was thinking this episode would start with a big confrontation about the letter, but the fireworks don’t come until the end, when Pauly D gets sh*tfaced, hooks up with Angelina (I didn’t know it was possible to get that drunk. God, I hate that b*tch!) and Vinny calls Angie out for making sh*t up. Sam gets involved for some reason; the truth comes out about the letter (kinda) and J-Woww and Sammi girl-fight it up like only two Jersey girls can. Will J-Woww stomp Sammi to death with a stiletto? Will Pauly D choke on his own vomit in his sleep, or go to the medicine cabinet and pull a Fantasia when he realizes he hooked up with Angelina? Tune in next week to find out!