He had to do it. Otherwise, the planet would've exploded with hotness! Look, I live in one of the fattest cities on earth, and I've watched Brad Pitt decay into a weird goat-man, while fugly people like the Gosselins have a bajillion kids. Impossibly gorgeous people like myself and the other folks who write and read Pop on the Pop (Look at yourselves, you beautiful b*stards!) are a dying breed. Sex between Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie is something that should happen not just for the two of them...but for America!

Alas, J-Depp has a gap-toothed French chick who keeps his balls in her purse, so the world will never get to see two of the purtiest people alive have simulated sex on a movie screen. Sigh. Depp reportedly nixed an already-filmed shower/sex scene between himself and Angelina Jolie in the upcoming film The Tourist, because his longtime baby mama, Vanessa Paradis, got super pissed when she heard about it.

That might sound ridiculous, given that they're actors and all, but bear in mind this is Angelina Jolie we're talking about. Her big collagen alien face is in the dictionary next to "home wrecker." Literally. I never should've bought that dictionary written by Jennifer Aniston. Anyway, I can understand Vanessa's concern and respect that Johnny is trying to be the one stand-up famous dude in the world, but still...Why does Johnny Depp being p*ssy whipped have to ruin something I wanna see? Not fair, yo. Not fair at all.