This week’s episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta was the best episode thus far this season. It was about as fun, light hearted, and dramatic as a reality show can be, and it all began with more freaky sex talk from Kandi Burruss!
Kandi’s web show is called “KANDI KOATED NIGHTS!” and it’s all about grown folk’s business. Surprisingly, sweetheart Kandi is a true freak in the sheets. She also has the entire RHOA cast show up, minus Phaedra Parks, and they discuss oral, anal, positions, and “What is your freak number?” – if you rated yourself on a scale from 1-10 in bed. Kandi also said that she “LIKES TO TRY ALL KINDS OF THINGS!” while her eyes looked like golf balls, her arms were flinging around, and a smile was plastered across her face from ear to ear. I think she wishes she had more holes that could be penetrated. But one thing’s for sure, Kandi shouldn’t have any trouble finding a date for the next 10 years! She has got to be one of the horniest women that I have ever seen.
Now I’m not going to go into detail about what was or wasn’t mentioned during Kandi’s show because my TMI self does have limits. I won’t touch the “KANDI KOATED NIGHTS” content with a 40-foot pole, or Mr. Luscious’ penis. After the sex talk came to an end, a buff stripper named Mr. Luscious appeared on Kandi’s show and the camera gave us a glimpse of the size of his dick, which was roughly about the size of my thigh. After he revealed his circus freak manhood, Nene said, “Gurl, I need therapy after that!”
Cynthia Bailey is totally clueless about planning her wedding, so she has her friend Kithe Brewster, who dresses like Stevie Wonder and sounds like a British power bottom, come to help her.
Nene Leakes is then spotted going to a law office with her friend, the one who took her to the hospital to get plastic surgery. Nene seems genuinely stressed while at the law office, but then she’s suddenly curious when she asks a lawyer if she’s getting divorced if she files for a divorce. No, that wasn’t a typo. Nene wanted to know if filing for divorce leads to an actual legal divorce.
But the sex talk didn’t end at the beginning of this episode. Kim’s 13 year-old daughter Brielle says that she wants to get an abstinence ring because she’s seen “a video on STDs and HIV!” and she thinks that diseases only happen to people under 18, so she won’t have sex until she’s legal. Kim Zolciak is so thrilled that her daughter doesn’t want to be the next Jamie Lynn Spears, that she buys Brielle a $3,000 abstinence ring, one that “makes her keep her legs closed.”
Phaedra Parks, the “Southern Belle” from hell, had to spend an extra week in the hospital because her blood pressure skyrocketed after she gave birth to her son, Ayden. Phaedra’s husband Apollo Nida is then seen carrying Phaedra up the stairs, which he “has to” do because she’s having some problems with her C-section incision. I’m surprised that Apollo has the strength to lift Phaedra up the stairs. It’s also an extremely disturbing sight. These two made a baby? They have sex? Their relationship has a mother and son vibe to it. Apollo is corrected all the time and Phaedra is his boss.
Nene then shows up to Kim’s house and Kim asks her how she feels about Kandi’s sex talk show. Kim says that talking about sex online like that makes her feel uncomfortable, Nene feels the same way. I agree that with a camera up your nostrils, and the explicit nature of Kandi’s show, it’s uncomfortable, but I like to meet people who can out-talk me with the freaky talk. Thus far, the gays and the lesbians seem to have all the heteros beat! It’s understandable why some would feel strange about making their grown folk’s business everyone’s online business too.
Surprisingly, Kim tells Nene that she “would love to have more children.” Haha, her dumb boyfriend Kroy got taken for a ride; Kim wanted to get knocked up! Regardless, hearing Kim say that she really wants to have another child puts us at ease, but then we found out that she’s still smoking!
Nene’s husband Gregg had a phone conversation about Nene in which he says that he spent $300k on her and he’d like his money back AND he says that he wants a divorce! Gay queen Lawrence tells Sheree about it and Kim tells Kandi about it, however Nene is the last to know.
Kandi plays “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” in her car for Kim Zolciak – the newer, simpler, more radio friendly version of the song she wrote for Kim. Kim LOVES it and Kandi looks absolutely devastated. Kandi was hoping that Kim wouldn’t like the song so that she can “sell it and make some money.”
Sheree then meets up with Dr. Tiy-e Muhammad at an outdoor café/ restaurant. Sheree has already decided to “drop the load” and send him packing. Tiy-e is naturally very defensive and completely ridiculous. Sheree tells Tiy-e that he hasn’t even offered to take her out somewhere nice for a date, Tiy-e then says “Why men gotta feed you to talk to you?!” Oh yes he did! And the answer to that question is ‘Because it’s a great way to get laid and it saves us chicks some money.’ Simple.
Dr. Tiy-e also said that he’s “a gentleman” and “chivalrous by nature.” The love doctor then adds, “Sometimes women just gotta shut up and let a man talk and then she’ll get the house she’s looking for.” And with that we know why he bought his Ph.D. NEXT! I immediately stop talking to any man who tells me that he’s a gentleman, because true gentleman show and don’t tell. Sheree tells Dr. Tiy-e that it’s over, but he tells her “Peace and love,” and directly looks into the camera. Along with a real degree, Dr. Tiy-e should look into acting lessons.
Nene shows up to work at the TV station and she remains concerned about where her office/ desk is. Nene goes online and reads about her husband Gregg’s disrespectful and embarrassingly revealing phone conversation that was broadcast on the radio. She then begins laughing, all retarded like, cause she has a nervous laugh. Nene’s boss tells her that she can’t be caught up in drama if she wants to keep her job. Nene says that she sometimes feels like she’s “slept with the enemy!” Little do we know that Ms. Leakes is just getting warmed up.
Nene gets home and confronts her stoic husband Gregg. Nene yells at him, “I got wit your ass when you didn’t have a dime!” She’s teary eyed and she’s pointing at him, although he’s about less than two feet away from her, just in case he gets confused that she may be speaking to their fridge or a random piece of fruit. Nene then stops yelling and removes her fake eyelashes, slowly bends ‘em to keep ‘em in good condition, then places them on the counter and continues to yell at Gregg. Removing makeup mid-argument means that you’re damn serious. The divorce is imminent, but something tells me it’ll be drawn out for at least the remainder of this season, which is fine by us as long as we can have more “Kandi Koated Nights.”