Kim Zolociak shows up to Kandi’s webcast show. Kandi says that she is supposed to remain celibate for a year, on a bet, and therefore she “can talk about sex.” Kim is asked why she’s sleeping with Big Poppa, a married man, and she says that “his family lives in LA and he lives here. That’s not cheating.” I’m sure Wiggy Kimmy wouldn’t say that to her football player boyfriend Kroy Biermann when he travels out of state. He should throw that back in her face.

We then see the back of Nene Leakes’ head to hide the results of her nose job, breast lift and liposuction on her waist. When Nene looks at her reflection in the mirror she says that she loves it. She also wants to know if she can drink some wine during her recovery process and claims that she’s “gonna get a penis enlargement” next. LOVE her!

Nene whines to Cynthia Bailey about how she gave her husband Gregg her “20’s and 30’s.” We will be hearing about Nene’s marriage EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, so keep your finger above that “mute” button.

We next get to controversy creator, Phaedra Parks. She puts on a tight tank top and jeans, goes and sits on some stairs and sucks on a pickle like it’s a penis while a photographer takes her picture – she wants pregnancy photos. When Phaedra’s not looking forward to “beat[ing] the hell out of” her child, she’s happy to celebrate being knocked up.

Sheree doesn’t think that Dr. Tiy-e has a house in Atlanta because she’s meeting him at his friend’s house. Good observation. Bravo gives us all these hints that Dr. Tiy-e is both broke and fraudulent. It’s like watching a murder mystery “Who done it?” episode except we wrote the friggin’ script and picked out all the cast members!

Tiy-e Muhammad is still cooking when Sheree arrives for their date and he asks her to help him with some grueling work, like cutting strawberries in half, to which Sheree says “I’m not used to manual labor.” Tiy-e also clearly forgets who he is dating. Sheree’s NFL ex-husband is HUGE and this scrawny dork is trying to convince her that he’s buff?!? Tiy-e stands up in the middle of dinner and takes his shirt off. Sheree says “His body was alright….”

Nene then goes bra shopping with Cynthia and Nene says, “I don’t like to wear a bra cause I paid money to have my titties stand up.” Nene is then seen dancing in the middle of the retail store, channeling her stripper moves and loving her new look in the mirror. Nene confesses, “I’ve never had a confidence problem. ‘I’m looking at my boobs thinkin’ Oh my gosh, they’re hooker boobs. Real high, nipples to the sky!’ I just spent money, I’m ready to walk around nude.” When is this b!tch’s talk show gonna get picked up? Please gawd.

Cynthia is having a Mother’s Day dinner and Kim cancels on her because her daughter has a fever. WHENEVER anyone invites Kim somewhere and she doesn’t want to go, she claims that one of her daughters is sick.

Phaedra still wants to convince us that she’s better than us, so she says “Cynthia lives in a regentrification zone, which is basically when they make the hood into the suburbs. It’s not for me.” Than why show up, b!tch!

Phaedra says her due date is “July 26th or August 1st.” Translation: The baby will be born at “6 or 7 months,” which Phaedra says is fine “if everything is fully formed and his lungs are functioning.” Trombone music is being played as a soundtrack the entire time Phaedra shoves her foot down her throat. There should have been a laughing track playing as well cause she is dumb as sh!t, not to mention that she says this mess while sitting at a table surrounded by actual mothers.

And now it’s time to talk about sex. Kandi says “Put Poprocks in your mouth and then give oral.” Phaedra chimes in and starts laughing uncontrollably when she informs the women that one must “complete the whole act” when giving head. Kandi then lights up when she talks about the need to “wet your finger, stick it in sugar and put it in your vajayjay and it makes the vajayjay sticky.” Phaedra says powdered sugar works real well too and I am suddenly grossed out.

Nene put it best, saying, “I would never put Kool-aid, candied yams, peppermint candy, pancake syrup, none of those things in my vajayjay!” Word. Nene says, “I’m just a wide receiver. I just like [a man] to take over me. I don’t wanna work too hard.” I agree with Nene again. I like a man who can make a woman a rag doll, acrobat, and gymnast in bed. In the bedroom, I should feel weightless, like I’m f*cking in a spaceship in outer space at all times.

Cynthia’s boyfriend then gets Nene upset by pretty much saying that her marriage is falling apart cause she’s not sexing her husband right. Cynthia is mortified, Kandi’s mom consoles her, and the Nene show continues…