Sarah Palin's Alaska Review and Recap: Bears are Scary, Sarah is Stupid

I'm sure my bias will be obvious throughout my recaps of the hokey political campaign disguised as a reality show called Sarah Palin's Alaska, but I'm just gonna come out and say it right off the bat, anyway: I f*cking hate Sarah Palin with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I think she's an opportunistic moron who uses bullsh!t patriotism to hide the fact that she never knows what the hell she's talking about, and I'm pissed that now I can't even enjoy the aging nerdy hotness of Tina Fey without thinking about some evil harpy with an accent that makes me wanna rip out my tongue so I can stick it in my ears. I would drink the herpes fluid from the Jersey Shore hot tub before I would spend eight seconds in a room with Sarah Palin. That said, her show is actually kinda entertaining.

I was pretty much hooked from the opening montage of Sarah doing Alaska-y type sh!t in "America's last frontier," but the deal was really sealed when I saw the corny opening credits where we meet the whole retardedly named Palin family (Track? They have a son named f*cking Track?!). I'm kind of a masochist with stuff that annoys the hell out of me, and Sarah Palin's Alaska is the next best thing to watching Fox News while bumpin' Ke$ha at top volume.

It's one of those reality shows where they barely try to hide the fact that everything is scripted and staged, so we start on an "average" day at the Palin house, with Sarah explaining "After I get some of my work done, (What work, b!tch? You quit your job!!!) we're taking the girls and we're heading into bear country for some salmon fishing." You can tell from the way she says it that it took her 800 takes to get it right, and, as always, whenever she starts talking about all them big animals up thar, she sounds like she's reading a scary story to a room full of three year-olds.

Next Sarah does some "writing" and "researching" (they must have edited the crayon out of her hand in post-production), but her work day is, like, totally ruined dontcha know, by "some dude who's out to get us." Really. That's how she described the journalist who lives next door. Don't worry, those Palins are a resourceful bunch of dickholes, so Sarah's husband surrounded their property with a 14 foot wall to keep all those nosy hippie nerd types out. "That was a good idea what we just did," Sarah said about the fence. "Others could look at that and say, 'Oh this is what we need to do to secure our nation's borders.'" Right, because we should base our foreign policy on friggin' Todd Palin's drunk weekend yard projects. How is this b!tch not president yet? Is the black guy still in office?

Weirdly, Sarah's actually more annoying when she's NOT being political. She spews some BS about how cool Alaskans are because they take planes everywhere (Then why is her kid in the back talking about how cool it is to be in a plane?), then she takes the kids fishing and talks about how much she hopes they see a "mama grizzly." Hopefully, they're setting up a season finale shocker where a bear eats her face. I would never stop watching that. "You're in their territory, and a lot of the time they want you out of their territory," Sarah says about bears. So, bears and American voters both want Sarah Palin to stay as far away as possible. Gotcha.

The bear/fishing business goes on for about 3 hours then there's more beef with the reporter next door, who appears to be just sitting on his porch reading a book. A book? What a dork! No wonder the Palins hate him! "At the end of the day, he's gonna be bored to death if that's all he has to do is observe our normal, kinda boring family." Weird comment from a chick who just launched a friggin' reality show about her family. For a politician, this b!tch sure sucks at self-promotion.

Next, Sarah gets ready for an interview with Fox News, preparing herself for such hardball questions as, "How did you get to be so awesome?" She's interrupted by Willow, her teenage daughter who's not famous for getting knocked up. Willow has a guy friend over to the house, and he looks totally ready to fill her with babies, but Sarah puts a stop to that sh!t with the quickness. I don't know why...obviously letting some Alaskan hick get you pregnant is the way to land a spot on Dancing With the Stars!

Sarah does her interview with Bill O'Reilly (I know I said I like stuff that annoys me, but this show is pushing it), then it's mountain climbing time, because we're all supposed to believe Sarah Palin divides her days equally between saving America and doing rugged outdoorsy sh!t with her kids. Never mind that whenever they do some wilderness stuff, she clearly has no idea what she's doing and looks like she's about to pee her pants. Hey, that's probably how she'd be if she were running the country, too! At least Willow has the sense to stay home from these little adventures and f*ck her boyfriend.

So, all in all, Sarah Palin's Alaska, was pretty much what I expected, with one exception...no Bristol! Was she too busy gargling Levi's semen to make a cameo? Hopefully, she'll take that sh!tkicker's balls out of her mouth long enough to show up in the next episode. You betcha!