Sarah Palin's Alaska Recap: Sarah vs. Kate Gosselin

I feel some personal background is needed before I start today's recap of Sarah Palin's Alaska. This morning, I woke up at 8 am, put on 19 layers of clothes and set out in the 34 degree weather to go see an NFL game. At the end of the day, I was outside in the freezing rain for about 8 hours, and I now feel as though I might have caught some sort of disease, that I'm calling LPS (Lil Payne Syndrome), which is only contracted by people dumb enough to stand outside in the rain for 8 hours drinking beer. However, my team won, I got hammered, and a good time was had by all. No one complained, and no one felt the need to make a reality show about it. Then again, Kate Gosselin wasn't there.

Last night's episode of SPA (That's what the kids are calling it. By "kids" I mean the Betty White-aged midwesterners who still watch this show.) started with Sarah Palin making a trip to her local gun store. Of course, she pretended she makes these kinds of trips all the time, so a producer for the show stopped in first to tell the locals not to act surprised when a camera crew and former governor came through the door acting like she's friends with them. As usual, I was excited to see Sarah handling firearms, because, as we all know, you can't accidentally put a bullet through your head without a gun in your hands. Sadly, those producers are a crafty lot and know enough to not let this b!tch hold a gun with bullets in it. They probably wanna go home with their faces intact. P*ssies.

Before she goes camping with a bunch of little kids and lethal weapons, however, Sarah decides to take her family to the top of a mountain. I'm starting to think that constantly engaging in activities that could easily kill her is Sarah's way of drawing a liberal audience to her show. While on the mountain, Sarah addresses the question (asked by no one) of whether she thinks her kids will get involved in politics. "They're all quite independent, and they see some of the brutality that comes from being involved in the political arena, but I think they're all gonna find their own niche," Sarah says. I know it's important for politicians to be able to make a statement without actually saying anything, but the good ones fool you into thinking that they answered your question. With Sarah Palin, you just walk away like, "That b!tch just said nothing at all." Then you realize that Sarah Palin just tried to outsmart you and you get overwhelmed with the desire to grab that gun out of her hand for a good old-fashioned murder/suicide. Or maybe that's just me.

Before leaving the mountain, Sarah makes a joke at her own expense, recalling the time she falsely claimed that she could see Russia from where she lives. Bahahahaha! That was a good one, Sarah! "Hey, America! Remember that time I totally lied to you in a desperate attempt to help an old man take over the country so that I could push him down a flight of stairs as soon as he got sworn in and proceed to strip you of your liberties and run your nation into the ground? Wasn't that great?" OK, she didn't really say that, but you know it's what she was thinking.

Then, finally, it's Kate plus fifty half-Asian babies time! At first, I thought this might be interesting. Finally, we'd get someone on this show who doesn't kiss Sarah's ass for a living. Kate let me down, however, when she started reading from cue cards about how she and Sarah are two peas in a pod. Stupid peas in a stupid, stupid pod. "There's not a whole lot of people that I run into that can understand the scrutiny, the media, and beyond," Kate says. Oh good, Kate's also an expert on saying words that don't actually mean anything AND she's famous for no friggin' reason at all. These two are made for each other, right? No. Wrong. So wrong. Wronger than Sarah Palin on Jeopardy.

Before they go camping, it's time for a class on how to not get eaten by bears, and the "Wtf did I get myself into?" look in Kate's eyes takes full effect. "I'm probably more scared now," Kate says. "I've never seen so many guns in my life." Sarah counters, "Even for those who may think, maybe on a political level that they are anti-gun...well you're putting yourself and your family in danger if you are not armed." That's right, folks. Kate freakin' Gosselin is the voice of sanity and reason on this show.

Next, they take a trip to Sarah's dad's house to look at all the things he's killed. Kate is understandably freaked out by the house of death. "Sometimes Alaska's uniqueness, our ruggedness, and unusual lifestyle is really a mystery to people in the lower 48," Sarah says. Yep. It's a mystery we don't wanna solve, so how 'bout just staying where you are, cool?

Then, finally, it's camping time. Because she's not completely insane, Kate is miserable standing in the rain with Sarah and 500 kids. "They did this before there were houses. Why do you do it now?" Kate asks. "This is the beauty of Alaska," Sarah answers with a straight face. The kids have fun, but Kate, as usual, seems to have the exact opposite of fun. "Sorry I'm miserable," she says. "But someone's gotta be." Actually, no one has to be miserable, but it's good to know Kate Gosselin's out there taking one for the team like that.

Then it's meltdown time. "Why would anyone pretend to be homeless?" Kate asks, while starting to cry. "I've held it together as long as I could and I'm done now." Kate proceeds to b!tch, moan and threaten to give her kids to the Palin family. Finally, because she's allergic to her children's happiness, Kate puts an end to the trip. On the plus side, this episode served to remind Jon Gosselin why he got divorced. Unfortunately, it also forced me to side with Sarah Palin, which is something I will never forgive Kate Gosselin for as long as I live.