Maaaan, why do “society” and “the law” and “hundreds of horrified tourists” always have to get in the way when you’re just trying to be a sh!tfaced train wreck in public? Monday’s episode of Jersey Shore ended with Snooki being arrested for being Snooki, or for “drunken intoxication in the public,” as JWoww called it. Tonight, we got to see Snooks coping with one of the worst mornings after in history, and I say that even though as I write this I still have a faded magic marker penis on my forehead from when I passed out on New Year’s Eve.
Tonight’s episode started with Jenni calling Snooki’s dad to tell her about the arrest and I don’t know what’s weirder: That JWoww introduces herself on the phone as JWoww, or that Snooki’s dad is at all surprised that his daughter got locked-up for being wasted. Apparently, Poughkeepsie doesn’t have cable…or internet, or any other way to see the 4 million images of drunken Snooki that seem to surface daily. JWoww not only takes charge of the arrest situation, but pulls the kind of move I would make, and immediately calls her pissed-off boyfriend, hoping that the drama of the Snooki arrest will make him forget about their fight from the night before. It’s a brilliant maneuver, but it lets Jenni down this time, as Tom is shockingly unfazed by the fact that society has finally decided to do something about the Snooki problem, and instead chooses to focus on the fact that his girlfriend is a prostitute who forgot their anniversary. Props to J-Wizzle for her half-second transition from enraged Jersey streetwalker to member of polite society when she hung up on Tom to take a call from the cops. “You’re a f*ckin’ jerk-off! (*click*) Hello? Why, yes…” When Shore is done, maybe she can get a role on Mad Men as one of them classy 60s broads, ya know?
Snooks gets sprung and minutes later (Why does JWoww already have a “Free Snooki” shirt? Sh!t happened like three hours ago!) she calls her dad, who reacts pretty much the way any parent would to news that their kid is a drunken embarrassment to the family, except that in Snooki’s case, she’s been a drunken embarrassment to the family for friggin’ years now! Where does this dude live, in Wasilla with the Palins?! How does he manage to avoid knowledge like that?! Snooks and JWoww have a girl talk session and instead of arriving at the obvious conclusion that Nicole needs to stop drinking, they decide that she just needs to find love. Awww. Snooks says her three addictions are “Bronzer, boys, and alcohol,” otherwise known as the “Jersey Trinity.” I hope the chick therapy keeps up, but that Snooki continues her drunken munchkin ways. That way, we can watch her f*ck up, then listen to her and JWoww try to figure out why it happened. (Hint: It’s always booze!)
After the Snooki drama is (sadly) resolved, it’s club time, and Deena decides to tag along with the MVP team. My initial thoughts were that the night would end the way it did when Angelina tried to horn in on the guys, and that at 4 a.m., Deena would find herself holding a $200 check at a Denny’s in Hoboken, wondering why all the guys decided to use the bathroom at the same time. Turns out, not only did Deena fit in with MVP, she even found herself a Ronnie look-a-like to take home. Best part is, Ronnie actually knows the dude, and he also has a girlfriend named Sam! No, actually, the best part was Vinny and Pauly D re-enacting last season’s cheating Ronnie drama. Damn, if Jersey Shore kids are making the best Jersey Shore jokes, wtf am I gonna do? I guess I better get ripped and tan quick, so we can trade places.
After that, everything seems to be going well in Seaside Heights…a little too well. “It’s almost like an avalanche of good energy in the house right now,” The Situation says, which is basically like congratulating that Ronnie-looking dude on not catching herpes while he’s still going down on Deena. Why you gotta jinx it, yo?! “To drink, or not to drink?” Snooki says, the same day. Goddam it. Snooki’s almost quoting Shakespeare and pretending that she’s thinking about quitting drinking? It’s the end of Jersey Shore as we know it. Even the weird interview with JWoww’s boobs couldn’t cheer me up after that. Then it gets even worse…Snooki meets a dude! And he’s Irish! Snooki in a relationship with a non-Guido is like a Situation beer gut – it’s just not the kind of Jersey Shore I wanna see.
JWoww finally ends it with Tom and there’s some drama about dog custody or some sh!t, but all I could really think about by the end of the episode is how much @ss a kinder, gentler Jersey Shore would suck. Sure, Snooki should probably sober up and it sucks that Jenni’s boyfriend just up and bounced from her house (with her bed), but if these people wanna live normal, adult lives with problems that can’t be solved by Valtrex and more booze, maybe we should switch jobs and I’ll get drunk for a living, instead. I have years of amateur experience.