The best episodes of Jersey Shore end with those “Oh, snap!” moments that make it so you basically have to tune in next week. For example, last Thursday’s season premiere ended with the start of a promising cat fight between JWoww and Sammi. Yes, they’ve thrown down like a million times before, but this time they were both relatively sober and trying to settle a grudge that dates back to early last season. That’s four centuries in guido years. As always, no serious damage was done, but it was a b!tch-slap fest so serious that the guys in the cast had no hope of breaking it up, (not that they really tried) so some big bouncer-y type dudes appeared from off-camera to settle the beef. Have we seen these dudes before? They must be there all the time, suppressing the urge to smother these greasy douche bags in their sleep! I wish I had huge behind-the-scenes dudes waiting to jump out whenever sh!t got real. I would probably get hammered and start fights for the hell of it, too.
Fortunately, in the Jersey Shore house, beefs are what bring people together. JWoww seemed kinda cold toward Deena last week. Makes sense. After all, this drunken meatball was threatening her bff-ship with Snooki. After the fight, however, you’d think these two had been tanning together since kindergarten. Ronnie and Sammi got to bond over the throwdown, too, but for them bonding means breaking each other’s balls over dumb sh!t. I was actually impressed with the way Ron stood up for Sam next week, but apparently Sammi wanted more. “Why don’t you just say, ‘Snooki I don’t like you?’” she asked Ron after somehow avoiding being eaten whole by JWoww yet again. I actually had to go back and watch that part of last week’s episode again, just to see what Ron actually said. If disses like, “You’re a f*cking loser from Poughkeepsie” and “You’re fake,” weren’t good enough for Sam, there’s just no pleasing that b!tch. I smell another miserable-@ss Angelina in the works.
Because Snooki and Deena are basically toddlers who are allowed to buy booze, they use the fight as an excuse to stay up all night and get hammered. “We’re like two peas in a pod. We’re such a blast,” Deena says. Yes, it was funny to see Snooki climb inside her luggage for some reason, but am I the only who’s sick of hearing Deena talk about how much fun she and Snooki are? We get it, you’re both chubby drunks! Every time she gets in front of the camera she sounds like she’s interviewing for a waitress job at Hooters.
Apparently, The Situation has turned over a new leaf since last season. He was barely in the last episode, which is rare. And then he starts his first day back in the house by waking up early and non-hungover, and trying to make peace between the other housemates. “if anybody can help these two crazy individuals, it’d be Sitch,” he says. Seems like everyone’s going out of their way to piss me off this season. I don’t really care for The Sitch acting like he’s friggin’ Gandhi all the sudden. If you’re not gonna get involved in the drama, Mike, at least stay the eff out of the way so the rest of us can enjoy it.
Finally, it’s t-shirt time, and after the usual douchiness in front of the mirror, it’s time to hit the Seaside clubs. Naturally, it’s a different scene from the start of season one, when the Shore kids were just a bunch of fake-tanned nobodies with a camera crew. Now they’re super famous and back in Jersey where there ain’t a lot of famous folks outside of a Springsteen show or a Nets game. So of course, there are stalkers, girls making out for the camera, etc. But somehow they only come home with one chick! The answer – greasy threesome. Or greasome, as I call it. But before the grossness can begin, Vinny basically pulls a a Situation and cuts The Situation out of the situation. Or something like that. Despite standing outside the locked hook-up room begging to be let in for a piece of a girl who’s a solid 7 at best, Mike still chooses a peanut butter and jelly sandwich over a drunk and ready Deena. Obviously, this chick gave up the last of her self-esteem a long time ago, but losing out to a pb & j has gotta be rough even for her.
Next, JWoww proves she’s basically a dude with boobs by totally forgetting about her anniversary with Tom and everyone tries to escape hell and beer guts by doing wholesome sh!t like going to church and the gym. Fights are what make this show great, but I’m not into this whole Ronnie and Sammi separating themselves from the rest of the group thing. If these two wanna go have boring dinners without twin oompa-loompas giving them the evil eye from across the table, let ‘em go back home and shoot some boring Ron and Sammi spin-off with a cellphone camera. Jersey Shore is for drama, not sanity. Speaking of spin-offs, thank god Pauly D has one in the works, because he delivers the line of the season when Sammi walks in after Sunday dinner with a big-@ss banana under her arm. “Don’t come in with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches.” Gold! Dude must be hiding cue cards in his hair.
Everyone goes back to work at the t-shirt store, but this time around there are “I Love Snooki” shirts on the rack. A lot can change in a year. Sammi’s the new Agelina, Vinny’s the new Situation, and Ronnie and Sammi are boring the ever-loving sh!t out of everybody. Well, some things never change. But hopefully, Ronnie’s Facebook relationship status changes in the next couple episodes, because Sammi’s b!tch vibe is starting to ruin my season. Jersey Shore ain’t Shakespeare. It’s not even Grey’s Anatomy. It’s booze for your eyes, a night on the town with a bunch of drunk idiots, and Ron and Sammi are turning into that couple that totally kills everyone’s buzz with their bullsh!t. I predict Sammi pulls an Angelina and takes a cab back to the boring part of Jersey before the end of the season.