Jersey Shore Recap: My Name is Snooki, and I'm an Alcoholic

"I'm mentally f*cked-up right now." Sammi actually said that about herself, and while I was watching last night's episode of Jersey Shore, I swear I heard the sound of the whole world nodding in agreement. Sammi had all last season to act like a crazy b!tch and everyone would've given her a free pass, because she had just found out that her boyfriend was screwing the entire Gulf Coast like his name was BP. Unfortunately, she waited until they were back in Jersey to ruin everyone's good time and now I have no patience for it. The episode started with one of those classic Ronnie/Sammi scenes where she asks him a bunch of questions that there's no right answer, and gets more and more pissed every time he opens his mouth. I don't watch Jersey Shore to re-live past fights with b!tchy ex-girlfriends. I watch it to re-live nights I can't remember...

Fortunately, Snooki exists. "Since I got to the Shore I can't remember the last time I seen Nicole sober. It's been a while," JWoww says of the drunken munchkin. I say, good. A sober Snooki is like a drunk school bus driver: It's just not right. The fact that she's been hitting the bottle this season like her liver did something to piss her off gives me hope for the future of this show. Tonight, we learned that Snooki's nickname for Vinny's wang is Seabiscuit, and man, does she like to ride the horse when she's wasted. "A lot of guys might think I'm crazy for not wanting to," Vin says after shooting Snooks down. There are probably a few guys who think that, Vin, but they're blind, and also hammered.

Snooks moves on fast, though, and after the trauma of getting denied by Vinny for the 4,000th time, she decides to play matchmaker for Deena and The Situation. She proposes a threesome and even though they were on a second story porch, Mike didn't swan dive to his death like I immediately would have. In fact, he seemed into it. Just as it's about to go down though, Snooks slips out of Mike's hands like a greased-up, sh*tfaced hamster. "Snooks sneaks out of the bed and I'm stuck with Deena. That's like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, and then they take away the chicken and you're left with salt and pepper," Sitch says. Then he asks Deena if she showered. Dude is totally making up for last season's douchiness by bringing the lol lines this time.

Nicole sneaks into Vin's room, gets shut down yet again, and that's not even the most embarrassing thing that will happen to her this week! Mike stonewalls Deena in similar fashion, and while I know Snooki and Deena are both grenades of the highest order, if these dudes don't stop running away from drunk and willing girls, it's gonna start to look like Brokeback Jersey.

Ronnie and Sammi beef again, we catch a disturbing glimpse of The Situation's hot pink boxer-briefs, and Sammi finally makes peace with the other girls and everyone forgives her for her year-long bout of PMS. Well, everyone except JWoww, who's basically a dragon with fake t!ts - make her mad and you're gonna get burned. The whole crew hits the club and Snooki and Deena get so drunk they "forget they have legs" as The Situation puts it, because he obviously has professional comedy writers working for him this year; some stalker ho throws a drink on Pauly D; there are some serious issues with frozen turkey burgers, and I feel like it's already too much drama for one episode of Shore. Then we get the highlight of the season, maybe the highlight of all TV ever...

Snooki shows up to work at the t-shirt shop after a night of epic clubbing, wrapped in a blanket and suffering from the kind of hangover that would keep Charlie Sheen in bed. She keeps running off to the bathroom to funnel beers, because Snooki is apparently a Leaving Las Vegas-style alcoholic now, and by the time she leaves work, she's wasted again. She starts helping old people have sex, flashes her vadge, and falls off a bike. Then it's time to really embarrass herself.

Snickers is so drunk she can't find the ocean, and finally she learns that even Jersey has standards about how much of an @ss you can make of yourself in public. As we reported before, Snooks was arrested for being a public nuisance, which means she must be a criminal mastermind, because she's been getting away with that for years. The episode ends with Snooks behind bars and god daayum, that's a lot of drama for a holiday! Martin Luther King wanted freedom for people of all colors, but I don't think he had the "Snooki Orange" shade in mind.