Jersey Shore Recap: The Grenade Whistle Blows! So Does Sammi!

This week's episode of Jersey Shore started with the fallout from last week's JWoww/Tom breakup and I gotta say, I kinda side with Tom on this one. Well, maybe I'm not siding with him so much as thinking Jenni's a friggin' moron for dumping dude in harsh fashion while he was still living in her house, taking care of her dogs. That's just asking for a stolen bed and starving pups. Maybe now she'll add a chapter to her dating advice book on how to get out of an LTR without having half your sh!t end up on eBay.

Anyway, the whole ordeal resulted in a lot of sad, complicated drama, not the kind of fun, retarded drama that we all expect from Jersey Shore. In fact, sad complicated, sh!t was the order of the night in this week's episode. Ugh. I don't watch reality TV for actual reality. Is this the future of Shore?! 

There was a break in the drama provided by the walking venereal disease who could easily take the place of both Deena Nicole and my current girlfriend: Snooki's bff, Ryder, returned and despite looking like an aging biker MILF who's been following the Stones on tour since '78, she apparently just turned 22, and she showed up to the house looking for Snooki to help her turn her liver into a useless orange blob (turn it into Snooki, in other words). Alas, Snooks was nowhere to be found, but Deena was there to help soak up the booze and semen like a skanky, skanky sponge.

Fortunately, Snooks and JWoww returned in time to start drinking (so, around 10 am). The whole house hit the town, and is it just me, or were their nights out in Miami more fun? The whole crew is too well-known in Jersey. I miss the South Beach nights, when not only did fewer people give a sh!t that they were famous, but there was more than one freakin' club to go to. Now, they're the center of attention as soon as they walk in, just because it's the first time a camera crew's been in the club since some dude got stabbed there five years ago.

Just as I was getting bored enough to miss Sarah Palin's Alaska, however, something incredible happened: Ronnie grew a pair of balls. It happened so suddenly you may have missed it, so here's a re-enactment:

Sammi: You haaaate me. Waaah! Apologize for the millionth time and then let's have the kind of sex where I'm the only one who gets off and then you lay awake all night full of semen and hate.

Ronnie: Nah, I don't wanna do that again. Get out.

Sammi: But I got you some pizza.

Ronnie: B!tch, I wanted a protein shake, for some reason! Oh, and I threw your shit all over the room!

Sammi: Whoa, my sh!t's all over the room. You'd think I would have noticed that since I've been standing here holding this pizza like a dumb @ss for ten minutes. God, I suck.

Ronnie: *weird, scary Joker laugh for like a half hour straight*

OK, so it isn't Shakespeare, but it's the thing to happen on Shore this season. At least it was until...

The grenade whistle! Someone thought it would be a good idea to introduce one of those obnoxious World Cup vuvuzela horns to the Jersey Shore house and how incredibly right that person was! Pauly D's moderately fugly chick clears out after Vinny sounds the alarm, as any self-respecting woman would after someone blew a horn to let the neighborhood know she's un-f*ckable. The Situation tries to coax her into a threesome anyway, so the lesson is: A girl who you wouldn't bang on her own can be banged as long as there's another chick involved, too. The Sitch should probably write children's books.

There's more drama when Sam pops Ronnie in the face, but somehow they manage to patch things up. Honestly, I had mixed feelings about this episode until the end. The 6 am smeared make-up and bloodshot eyes brought to mind those way too long nights of drunken drama we've all experienced and, frankly, the Ronnie/Sammi reconciliation was the kind of real moment that's all too rare on most reality shows. Sammi's had the upper hand in the relationship ever since Ron got caught cheating, but now it seems, the tables have turned. It's the kind of complex situation usually found on scripted dramas about grown-ups. When Jenni and Sammi finally resolved their long-standing beef, I found myself thinking that maybe the Jersey Shore "kids" are growing up before our eyes *tear*...Then again, the episode ends with Snooki buying a stripper pole and the guys finding out that Deena likes to lick @ss, so maybe not. Thank god.