Jersey Shore Recap: "Hell Has to be Just Like This"

Finally! The whole Jersey Shore is getting along and getting wasted. The first few minutes of tonight's episode felt like a flashback to season 1, when this was a show about a bunch of random guidos having fun at a C-list vacation spot, not about a bunch of emo millionaires starting dumb feuds with each other and b!itching about their love lives for the entertainment of millions of people with real problems. Don't get me wrong, I love the drama, but it's better when it's settled with a hungover hug the next morning. When it goes on for multiple episodes or even seasons, it starts to feel like the most spray-tanned soap opera in history. So it was good to see things get back to normal tonight. Or at least it was, until someone reminded Sammi that she's a b!tchy Grinch (a binch?) put on Earth to steal all the joy from Seaside Heights, NJ.

"In Miami, Ronnie got sh!tfaced to the point that he was incoherent," says, Sam, expressing her concern over Ron Ron's love of the juice. "I've dranken a lot more than I drank tonight," Ron shoots back, proving that he doesn't need to be drunk to sound retarded. Owned, Sam! Sure enough, Ron gets completely hammered and pukes in a shopping bag, totally ruining the mood for The Situation and his skank of the evening, because the "Situation" pajamas Mike gave her to wear apparently weren't a dealbreaker on their own. I mean, I'm not a girl, but I think if I went home with someone and they gave me pajamas with their dumb nickname across the front in huge letters, it would act as some sort of boner kryptonite. Just sayin'.

Things get real the next morning, as Ron starts sh!tting blood, a problem that I immediately diagnosed as God's punishment for getting back together with Sammi. For some reason, MTV forces us to sit through dude's whole rectal exam, and I'd just like to point out this is the second week in a row we've been forced to hear intimate details about someone's @ss on this show. I appreciate the Shore kids finding new ways to keep it crass, but if we're already at weekly @ss talk in season 3, I'm afraid to see what kind of gross sh!t they'll pull in Italy.

"We have no shame," Snooki says in the next scene like she was reading my friggin' mind. The "ladies" of the Shore go on to have a graphic convo about fingerbangin' themselves, before they pretty much trash the toy section of a pharmacy. Then it's time to hit the same damn club they go to every week, and if that's the type of mood these broads were in while they were out running errands at 2 pm, I couldn't wait to see what the night was gonna bring. Sure enough, the unbelievable happens: Snooki and Deena both hook up. I know, I make fun of them for being walking venereal diseases a lot, but if you watch the show, the gruesome twosome don't really get it in that often. Even better, this is the historic night when Snooki hooks up with Jeff Miranda, the douchey fame whore who would eventually propose to her on the cover of a magazine. Plus, dude has a tongue ring? What is he, a lesbian from the early 90s? Step your game up, Snooks. Turns out he's an even bigger moron than anyone thought, getting all clingy after one date and falling for Pauly D's awesome fake voice mail routine. Wait, was that seriously their whole relationship? Dude proposed in public after one date?! That's taking dickhead-ishness to a new level, even by Jersey standards.

Then, because 15 minutes or so have passed without Ronnie and Sam fighting, they decide to have a fight. "What don't I do for Sam, besides wipe her @ss for her?" Ron asks. Again, with the @ss imagery? Is this Jersey Shore or a colonoscopy? Still, I see his point. The chicks in this house have gotta be the laziest, sloppiest group of broads in the history of Jersey, and that's saying something. I've never seen so many sweatpants outside of a tampon commercial. They never cook or clean, and all they talk about is sex. They're pretty much wienerless dudes with hair extensions. Anyway, because it's Ronnie and Sammi, a simple argument over chores turns into World War Sh!tty Relationship.

After all the fun people in the house bond over ripping on Pauly's stalker to her face for a few hours, Ron and Sammi finally decide to call it quits, and goddam that Sammi, she can't even breakup without being annoying. After about three hours of Sam following him around the house shrieking about how she "needs closure, bro," I don't think a court in the land would've convicted Ron for pushing her down some stairs. Leave the dude alone; he's bleeding out his @ss, for god's sake. Don't worry, judging from next week's previews, Ron gets his 'roid rage revenge soon enough. Although, with dude's recent butt problems, it might be a different kind of 'roids pissing him off these days. Zing!