Every Friday, Firecracker gives us the low-down on a famous dude who’s making tongues wag and panties drop across the land with her “Because He’s Hot” posts. I’ve decided to do the exact opposite this week and fill you in on a woman who I expected to be hot, and who, it turns out, is the stuff of wet dreams. Unfortunately, I mean the kind of wet dream where you wake up covered in cold sweat and vomit.

That’s Vanessa Paradis. She’s a French pop singer and, you may wanna sit down for this one…Johnny Depp’s baby mama! Seriously. Johnny didn’t hit that during a crazy weekend of drinking absinthe and hanging upside down smoking opium or whatever the hell Johnny Depp does for fun, he wifed it up and got it pregnant! Twice!

I know, it sounds like I’m being unnecessarily harsh. It’s not like she’s Deena Nicole Cortese. She’s French; Johnny’s weird; they probably smoke 400 cigarettes a day and do sex things that poor folks like you and I haven’t even heard of yet, but come on! I took a lot of crap for pointing out how foul Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s girlfriend is, but I do these things as a kind of public service. I wanna live vicariously through rich, famous guys, not wonder if they need Lasik. If guys like Johnny Depp are gonna pass on the millions of hot women who would gladly crawl over broken glass for a piece, they should at least send them my way. I may not be a world famous movie star, but my mom says I’m handsome and I’m waiting on a big, 4-figure tax return. Ladies?