Vanessa Paradis: Johnny Depp's Girlfriend is Gross
Every Friday, Firecracker gives us the low-down on a famous dude who's making tongues wag and panties drop across the land with her "Because He's Hot" posts. I've decided to do the exact opposite this week and fill you in on a woman who I expected to be hot, and who, it turns out, is the stuff of wet dreams. Unfortunately, I mean the kind of wet dream where you wake up covered in cold sweat and vomit.
That's Vanessa Paradis. She's a French pop singer and, you may wanna sit down for this one...Johnny Depp's baby mama! Seriously. Johnny didn't hit that during a crazy weekend of drinking absinthe and hanging upside down smoking opium or whatever the hell Johnny Depp does for fun, he wifed it up and got it pregnant! Twice!
I know, it sounds like I'm being unnecessarily harsh. It's not like she's Deena Nicole Cortese. She's French; Johnny's weird; they probably smoke 400 cigarettes a day and do sex things that poor folks like you and I haven't even heard of yet, but come on! I took a lot of crap for pointing out how foul Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg's girlfriend is, but I do these things as a kind of public service. I wanna live vicariously through rich, famous guys, not wonder if they need Lasik. If guys like Johnny Depp are gonna pass on the millions of hot women who would gladly crawl over broken glass for a piece, they should at least send them my way. I may not be a world famous movie star, but my mom says I'm handsome and I'm waiting on a big, 4-figure tax return. Ladies?
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Twitter
February 12th, 2012 4:26 PM
Wow amwosee, thanks for the tips of all those bugs!! I noticed the login window issues and restriction about linking to photos hosted on the FB servers (what a pain eh?) Yeah hopefully some of these issues will be addressed soon…@Sean: For pre iOS 3.2, you can pretty easily do the same thing using normal NSString methods such as rangeOfString and substring… or integrate a 3rd party regular expression library.
December 9th, 2011 12:02 AM
vanessa paradis is the most beautiful woman in the world, you just managed to post her worst angles, pathetic
December 9th, 2011 12:01 AM
it was hard to find her worst pictures rught?, lol vanessa paradis is gorgeous, one of the most beautiful woman in the world, youre just jealous you cant be like her and have any johnny depp
June 22nd, 2011 8:35 PM
Ah le post plein de ressentiment et jalousie. Vous les petites fan-girls à la noix devez avoir une vie bien triste pour vous nourrir de ce genre de conneries... Au lieu de détester des gens qui ne savent meme pas que vous existez et qui en ont très certainement rien à foutre occupez vous à vous cultiver et à élargir votre petitesse d'esprit phénoménale. Se laisser aller à tant de méchanceté et de bassese pour des fantasmes vraiment il faut bien être humain pour le faire. Bande d'attardés moutons... Bisous de la France !
March 6th, 2011 10:31 PM
YOU ARE SO RIGHT !!! This woman is one of the ugliest everrrrr with that huge teeth crack ! Some people asked why is she ugly ? Come on open your eyes !!! Everything is wrong with her, flat hair, hollow eyes and she's so skinny she look like a skeleton ! Not to mention HER TEETH again !!! THANK YOU LIL PAYNE for posting this !!! Johnny Depp can DEFINITELY do better than that !
February 27th, 2011 12:13 AM
I think she's beautiful. That picture is really a horrible choice to represent her beauty.
February 25th, 2011 11:59 PM
I agree, you are one funny writer ...but seriously.... get real on this one. Of all the 100's of photos out there of her, how did you manage to find the one shot that doesn't do this woman justice? That must've been some difficult task because Vanessa Paradis is probably the most beautiful woman in the world. I challenge others to "google" Vanessa Paradis themselves, and they will see what I mean. The only beauty I'd put a notch above Ms. Paradis' gorgeous looks is a young Brigitte Bardot.
February 22nd, 2011 7:30 PM
OMG! I can't stop laughing because sadly this is so true. She must be a freak in the sheets and totally super chill. I think it's the gap in her teeth that I keep focusing on. You can't help but NOT miss it. Maybe she's a nice person though. I can't see John John staying with a beeotch so more power to the icky lookin' baby mama
February 21st, 2011 10:55 PM
According to what I've been reading on about 4 other celeb blogs, he's not "...passing on millions of hot women." He was supposedly all over some young thang on the Hawaaian set of "Pirates 4." Hardly surprising; A listers are not known for settling for 1 of anything. And, officially, he is not a married man.
February 20th, 2011 12:55 AM
she used to be a super model so she has that quirky, different look
that designers like so much...she's alright, she's no fug face...i mean
take a look at some other people and she's pretty in comparison.
J.Depp is a hotty...kate moss doesn't look so good now!!! (too much
smoking and drinking and doing lines...)