Busted big time! Part of the fun of Jersey Shore is watching our favorite guidos hook up with random people. But tonight’s season finale showed the consequences of touching tongues with everyone who catches your eye when you’re drunk. Even if you don’t have sex with these people, your most shameful make-out partners can come back to haunt you. Case in point: Sammi and the Russian guy from Rocky IV (aka Arvin). I’m sure Sam never had any intention of getting serious with this mountain of Eastern European fug, but she hooked up with him and now he’s spreading the word to all the wrong people.
Sure, Sam denied it all over the place, but dude was offering up specific examples on the phone and…yeah I’m inclined to side with The Situation on this one: Sammi’s a shady b!tch. That said, watching Mike take all kinds of perverse pleasure in seeing Sammi get exposed as a cheater made me hate the dude even more, and I’ve basically spent all season hatin’ on The Sitch. The list of people in this house I can stand is getting incredibly short. I know Ronnie screwed the entire city of Miami like a stoned Rickie Williams, but watching him sit outside and sulk and chain smoke while everyone else ate dinner, it was hard not to feel bad for him. Sammi eventually came out with “the truth,” saying that she made out with Arvin years ago, but it seemed like a lot of shadiness to conceal a two year-old hook-up.
But screw Ronnie and Sammi. It’s the season finale, which means it’s time to piss off that poor bastard that owns the Shore Store one last time, and most of all it’s time to get crunk! It was good to see everyone party in Seaside for what could very well be the last time, especially since everyone invited friends and family. Among the revelations: JWoww’s dad looks like he’s still on an acid trip that started in the 60s; Ronnie dances like a drunk 80s b-boy, Pauly‘s best friend could have played the mom in Gilbert Grape, and Snooki‘s “coo-ca” comes out when she does the worm…I’m just gonna leave that one alone.
The party takes a turn for the worst when Deena gets wasted (season finale shocker!) and pulls an epic cock block on Vinny. Beef. Sammi pulls Ron aside and says that she can’t be with him if he continues to be friends with Mike. More beef! Vinny compares Deena to Angelina! Roast beef sandwich! Deena flips out when her own bff from home calls her a cock block and, in the process, sets herself up as the new Angelina. Mike and Sammi make peace the next morning, but you know it’s on between those two next season. Everyone goes out for an awkward dinner and then it’s time for one last night out on the Shore, or, as Snooki says, “Time to get it all out. Do everything you can. Have sex with an old man, steal a plant, and then get arrested.” Steal a plant?! God, I’ll miss this b!tch.
JWoww becomes “girlfriend and boyfriend” with Roger and everyone flips out like that’s a thing to flip out about for anyone who’s not in 8th grade. Whatever, it’s good to see her happy after so many bad boyfriends and semi-successful plastic surgeries. Snooki hooks up with some drunk guy and um…anyone else think she’s totally wrong about the definition of “whiskey dick”? And, of course, Ronnie and Sammi fight yet again. It was a doozy, too. But of course, they make up the next day. Ronnie cried while Sammi sat there and scratched her balls, and they finally broke up! But we know they’re still together in real life, so it was kind of an anti-climax.
Then everyone packed up and left, calling it the best summer of their lives. Um…were they watching the same show I was watching? Don’t worry they left us with one last threat…Snooki running for president! Live in fear, America. Live in fear.