Jersey Shore Recap: "I'm Not Anybody's Last Resort; I'm Someone's First Priority"

Whoa. See? I knew this would happen if Sammi came back to the Jersey Shore house. The fights between her and Ronnie are starting to go from guilty pleasure side drama to ugly domestic situation in the making. Watching Ron and Sam tearfully scream in each other's faces for the 900th time this season, I realized I'm finally beyond taking sides and I just fully hate them as a couple. I was all set to have Ron's back on this one. Sammi texting that Borat-looking dude behind his back seemed shady as hell, but as I watched the vein in Ron's forehead pop out as he went on yet another 'roid tantrum, I realized I can't defend anyone who thinks staying in this kind of relationship is a good idea. 

Then it's time for some comic relief in the form of Deena rolling around in a cardboard box, because apparently she's three years old. And sh!tfaced. "It just so happens that Deena defies the law of intelligence," Mike says of his retarded roommate. Um...not the smartest statement yourself there, Mike. I'm gonna go look up "the law of intelligence," but I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. Oh well, watching this drunk idiot get stuck in a printer box is a welcome change from watching a relationship go from bad to violent. 

After the epic battle of Deena vs. cardboard (we didn't get to see the conclusion, but I'm guessing Deena died inside that box) it's back to the drama. No, not more Ron and Sam, but the unexpected (and slightly less annoying) "relationship" between Snooki and Vinny. "Vinny and I are like friends with benefits," Snooks explains, ignoring the fact that they haven't hooked up all season and friends with benefits don't usually cock-block and cry when the other person finds someone else. It turns out that I was wrong about the whole Vin/Snooki situation, though. I figured Snooks was a past drunken mistake that Vin would rather forget about, but can't because he lives with her. Turns out he has "genuine feelings" for her and could see the relationship "getting serious." My only theory is that Snooks has done a better job of turning her Shore fame into cash and Vin's looking for a sugar mama. Why else would any sane, sober human talk about settling down with Snooki?

Vinny goes through the rite of passage of 6 week old girls by getting his ears pierced, Deena tries to bring back the denim dress (leading to a pretty funny Mario Bros. joke that doesn't really translate to print), and Ron and Sammi decide to spend a quiet evening at home. Watching these two alone together leads me to believe their relationship might actually be pretty decent when it's removed from the insanity of the Shore house. But I'll probably eat my words when neither of them makes it to season 4 because they've both been arrested for attempted murder. On an unrelated note, is it just me or are the guys being more brutal with the grenades this season? After kicking some solid 8's to the curb in particularly brutal fashion, Vin tries to get it in with Snooki, who not only shoots him down, but surprisingly busts out the most empowering quote ever uttered on Jersey Shore: "I'm not anybody's last resort; I'm someone's first priority." You go, Snooks. I bet she stole that from a t-shirt at the Shore Store.

I gotta say, toward the end of last night's episode, I wasn't too geared-up for next week's season finale. Sure, there was the usual Ron/Sam drama but other than that there really wasn't much excitement aside from Sitch getting fired from the Shore Store (for sleeping, which is pretty much all he's done this season) and Vinny showing us his d-bag side for the first time. Then sh!t hit the fan in the form of Ron's drunk-@ss mom and the Situation's manipulation. 

At first, I thought this was just a case of Mike trying to breakup his "friends," because, ya know, he's a dick. As the situation developed, however, (intended pun) it became clear that Sammi was every bit as shady as Mike was saying. Sammi did hook-up with Arvin! She was booty-texting him! The sparks are set to fly on next week's finale! To quote DJ Pauly D, "Yeeeeah, buddy!"