Unless you've been living on Mars with your goddesses for the past week, you're aware that Charlie Sheen has entirely lost his damn mind. At first, the explanation seemed obvious: He was doing an @ss-ton of drugs, even by Hollywood standards. After all, Charlie Sheen loves drugs. Then, the unimaginable happened - Charlie passed a drug test. Now, it's possible that drugs can't handle Charlie's tiger blood and the coke flees from his system just seconds after he does a bump off one of his house whores goddesses. But the other, far more terrifying possibility is that Charlie is actually sober.

Or not. Chuckles claims he's high on a drug called "Charlie Sheen." It's a drug so powerful, that if you tried it, "your face would melt off and your children would cry over your exploded body." I don't even think I have to say it at this point, but that's not a joke; it's an actual Charlie quote. In fact, it's one of the few things Sheen has said recently that actually makes sense. He is high on himself, but more than that he's high on one of the oldest and most potentially dangerous drugs known to man: fame.

Studies have shown that some people's brains respond to recognition and admiration from others the same way they would respond to a line of coke. The rambling, egomaniacal withered carcass that's now calling itself Charlie Sheen is the result of decades of unconditional (and mostly unearned) adoration. He's basically a spoiled two year-old with notoriety and millions of dollars. Can't picture anyone you know saying any of the bat sh!t things that come out of Charlie's mouth? That's probably because no one you know has had their @ss kissed daily since they were 19.

Naturally, not everyone reacts to being famous the way that Charlie has, but as he's reminded us time and again over the past few weeks, Charlie is special. Apparently he meant that he's special in the same way alcoholics are special: He's taken something that's pretty harmless and even a good thing for most people (fame) and turned it into a destructive force that threatens to destroy his family and everything that he's worked to create. Charlie first became a household name at age 20 with his role in Platoon, and by most accounts, he's been a world class d-bag ever since.

Chuck starred alongside another young up-and-comer named Johnny Depp. Both men went on to achieve unimaginable wealth and fame, and couldn't have handled their success more differently. Despite being one of the most recognizable people on the planet, most reports about Depp suggest that he remains humble and down-to-earth while Charlie Sheen is, well, Charlie Sheen.

Fame is a drug, and everyone reacts to it differently. Yes, Charlie Sheen would probably be an a-hole even if he was Carlos Estevez, assistant manager at your corner Mobil station. However, since Chuck's been mainlining the same drug for 25 years, shouldn't see how he responds to getting cut off? We have the opportunity to stage a nationwide intervention by simply not paying any attention to this lunatic. It won't be easy, since Charlie's craziness has been providing some serious entertainment value lately, but I get the feeling that if no one was listening to Charlie Sheen's rantings and ravings, he'd quickly shut the hell up.