Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: New Housewives, Old Hatred

Ah, Jersey. Where would the world of reality television be without your classy/trashy new-money guidos? Last night's season premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey offered the same blend of drama and unintentional comedy that made the first two seasons must-see viewing for fans of carrot-colored human train wrecks, but with the added bonus of a little new blood to liven up the proceedings. I'd say that new cast members Melissa Gorga and Kathy Walkie have no idea what they're in store for, but they're both related to Housewives veterans, so they knew just what they were getting into. Hey, if you're gonna hang out with ridiculous big-haired walking egos, you might as well get paid for it. 

Teresa Giudice introduced Melissa by saying, "She's my sister-in-law and we're not exactly best friends." Oh, good. This chick hasn't said a word on camera yet and Teresa already hates her. I give her one season before she pulls a Danielle Staub and quits to write a tell-all. But because she's at the christening party for Melissa's son, Teresa tries to make nice. However, Melissa and her guido-tastic husband Joe ain't having it. "Do what you do every day and just walk the f*ck away," Joe tells his big sis. "You're garbage," he adds. And then it's on. What bapstism is complete without a brawl?!

So what the hell was everyone so angry about? Christ, this is the season premiere! We flash back to one week earlier for an explanation as to why things heated up faster than a Hoboken tanning bed. "It's been a bittersweet year for Joe and I," Teresa explains. "We went through a bankruptcy, which was so not good." Damn, she's got a way with words. Like if Shakespeare lived in New Jersey and was half-retarded. "But I think Joe's really enjoying his new career," she adds. Cut to Joe sweating his @ss off in a pizza kitchen. Yeah, looks like he's having a blast. 

Next, we catch up with Caroline Manzo, who is in a very different place than Ms. Guidice. "Things are going very well for the Manzos," she says. Things appear to be bittersweet for the eldest housewife as well, though. Her two sons are ready to leave the nest, and she sobs her way through a tour of their new apartment. Jeez, only Italians cry when their 25 year-old sons move out. My mom cries when I stop by for dinner. 

Then we get filled-in on the Ringo of the group, Jacqueline Laurita, who stops in on the office where her daughter is interning, only to find out she's the sh!ttiest intern since Monica Lewinsky. Ashley Laurita apparently doesn't like commuting, so she asks her mom to buy her a new apartment right in front of her boss and then breaks down crying in the middle of her office. She doesn't get fired, of course, because she's semi-famous and works for a PR firm. Why couldn't my parents have been reality stars?! Because Ashley was getting all the attention, Jacqueline then starts crying and storms out. So that's where she gets it!

So far it's the same drama from the same leathery, spoiled, badly aging arm candy we know and love. But then we get introduced to the new housewives and things really get ridiculous...

(Photos via WENN)

"I tend to be very spoiled," Melissa Gorga says by way of introduction. Cut to her husband literally kissing her feet. Guess she speaks the truth! It's a two-way street though, apparently her husband, Teresa's little brother, expects her to be "a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the kitchen." OK, so they're old-fashoned, but it seems to work for them. The important thing is, they both hate Teresa, for reasons that remain unclear. They both kiss each other's @ss for the cameras for a while and then introduce us to...

Kathy Walkie, who is related to Joe and Teresa in like 18 different ways that I didn't quite understand. Apparently, every guido in Jersey is related, so don't be surprised to see Snooki make a cameo this season. We get introduced to Kathy and her husband Joe, who, despite being Lebanese, is the most stereotypical Italian since Mario and Luigi. There are a lot of interesting things about Kathy, but what really stood out in last night's premiere is the fact that she's the single dumbest human being on earth. Some gems: "The thing with my husband is, you either love him or you don't;" "I love to cook, because I think what you put in your mouth is important," etc. She's the queen of saying things that don't actually mean anything, but I'm pretty sure that actually passes for wit and wisdom in most parts of Jersey, so she should be fine. 

Then it's finally time for the big baptismal throw-down. Joe Giudice decides to skip the ceremony because he caught the sh!ts from Teresa's cooking. Teresa doesn't want Kathy and her creepy husband rubbing their corpselike flesh against her baby. Shots are turned down, which is the guido equivalent of spitting in someone's face. Basically, the stage is set for an epic brawl in the name of Jesus.  So, the brawl goes down, everyone has different views on who started it, and a camera man gets knocked down, right as someone says, "I'll f*cking kill every one of yous!" Basically it's the most guido moment in reality TV history, which is really saying something. So, aside from some BS about Caroline baking biscuits or some sh!t, the season 3 premiere was basically 90 minutes of non-stop drama. Should be a good season!