Many of us have already seen the video for Countess LuAnn De Lesseps’ god-awful pop song, so watching her work on it in the season finale of The Real Housewives of New York City is a bit like performing an autopsy. We know a murder was committed, now we get to find out how. Turns out, singer Natalie Cole was on the scene, but she wasn’t exactly an accomplice, just popped in to bring a little C-list star-power to the finale. She also offered to sing at a party to celbrate LuAnn’s one-year anniversary with her boyfriend, so she’s either the type of person who offers random favors to people she just met or she’s in desperate need of publicity. Given that this is a show on Bravo (aka, The Desperate for Publicity Network), I’m gonna guess it’s the latter.
Speaking of bad decisions made by desperate famewhores, Ramona Singer and her husband Mario discuss the possibility of having another child, which seems like a smart decision, considering the only risks involved with getting pregnant when you’re 54 are, um…all of ‘em! But there’s no mutant fetus sleeping on her bloated liver yet, so Ramona slugs the pinot while explaining her terrible plan to her friends at a dinner party. On the topic of things that no one ever wanted to see – Alex McCord somehow landed a modeling gig and we got a brief glimpse of her without make-up. I’d like to personally nominate the RHONYC make-up team for a Best Special Effects Emmy. I’m pretty sure they use CGI to make Alex not look like something that lurks under the beds of small children.
Meanwhile, in a blonde vs. brunette feud worthy of Betty and Veronica, Cindy Barshop and Sonja Morgan go at each other with verbal machetes over…well I’m not exactly sure what they were fighting over, but it made for a pretty entertaining argument. “I just let her chirp away, meanwhile I’m thinking about what I’m gonna wear the next day,” Cindy says of her discussion with Sonja. Cindy’s disinterest in everything that’s going on around her leads me to believe the rumors that she won’t be returning to the show next season, which sucks, because she’s hands-down my favorite housewife. She may not bring much drama to the table, but she’s the queen of the b!tchy put-down.
Then, the unthinkable happens. Ramona thinks she’s acquired the ultimate fashion accessory – a trust-fund fetus. She turns down a glass of wine, shows off her growing boobs, and I throw up a little in my mouth. Yep, she might be pregnant. Naturally, Sonja responds with the eloquent grace for which she’s known. “Do you know how many people are dying to have a baby now, like in our clique?” So this kid gets to grow in a 54 year-old uterus yet be raised by someone who’s on the mental level of a varsity cheerleader. Best of both worlds!
Then, because it wouldn’t be a season finale of RHONYC without a pointless (and pointlessly extravagant) party, it’s time for everyone to get on a yacht to celebrate the fact that LuAnn has a boyfriend. Like all good season finales, this one had some feuds, some fun, and two post-middle-aged women teaming up to pee on a pregnancy test while at sea….
“Are they trying to steal my thunder on such a big night?’ LuAnn wonders when Ramona and Sonja disappear into the bathroom together. Normally, I’d say she’s wrong, but it’s Ramona Singer, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she got pregnant just for the purposes of upstaging LuAnn at her big “I have a boyfriend and I met Natalie Cole” party. But LuAnn’s not worried. “There’s a better chance of Blanche being pregnant on The Golden Girls.” OK, so I’m not the only one who thinks Ramona’s way too freakin’ old for a baby. Good.
Naturally, everyone is wowed by the unexpected Natalie Cole cameo, well everyone except Sonja, who’s pretty much leaking Haterade from her eyeballs at this point. “She’s an old friend,” Sonja says of Natalie. “I haven’t seen her in probably three years.” Ugh. It must get exhausting for these women to try to constantly upstage one another. Oh, but it’s not just the ladies who are so bored with their lives of luxury that they feel the need to aggressively hate on their “friends,” Simon van Kempen was staring daggers at LuAnn during her performance. I’m sure he wrote a b!tchy Tweet about it seconds later.
The episode ended with one of those 80s high school movie type deals where we get a freeze-frame and caption telling us what happened to everyone. Nothing too exciting, except for the fact that (Surprise!) Ramona’s not pregnant after all. So it was probably just late-season theatrics designed to help her hold her place as the most interesting housewife. Really, all she needs to retain her title is her constant wine-buzz and b!tchy attitude. Hopefully, she brings both to next week’s reunion show.