“Good food, good sex, and good friends and family,” Teresa Giudice says of her goals for 2011 at the start of last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey. Well, she knows her way around the kitchen, so at least 2 out of 3 should be within her reach. In fact, the episode opens with a photo shoot for Teresa’s new cookbook. Unfortunately for her, her family is involved. Teresa’s husband and daughters want nothing to do with the shoot, but she expresses that it’s “really important” for the book to do well, probably because her family has no other visible means of support. She also talks about how people relate to her because she’s “really real,” as she forces her family to wear fake smiles for a soon to be heavily-airbrushed book jacket photo.
Meanwhile, Kathy Wakile and her husband try their best to be interesting by stressing out over the fact that their 16 year-old daughter might start dating soon. Fail. Speaking of people who are horribly out of touch with their kids, the Lauritas are shocked to hear someone describe their daughter Ashley as, “lazy, with no ambition.” Apparently, Jacqueline and her husband have never watched an episode of RHONJ before. Fortunately, the Manzos are there to mercilessly rip on Ashley for being an entitled, drunk party brat. But the Lauritas main goal in life is to spoil the sh!t out of Ashley so that they can wonder out loud how she got to be such a selfish b!tch, so as they’re talking about what a terrible person she is, they arrange a surprise visit from her biological father. Because, ya know, a grown woman in her 20s can’t arrange to hang out with her dad on her own. God, I hate this chick.
Melissa Gorga finally opens up about Teresa’s b!tch fit from last week revealing that “Teresa doesn’t enjoy to cook. She makes a living off of it.” That oughta help book sales! Then because she’s an idiot, Melissa breaks down crying because one of her cousins visited a psychic, who told her all stuff she wants to hear, because that’s what psychics do to fool idiots. “I don’t even believe in this stuff, but I believe in that!” Melissa sobs. Yeah, because it’s about you. That’s the scam.
For some genuine, non-moronic emotion, we go to Caroline Manzo’s house where her daughter opens up to her about her issues with weight. With the amount of pasta and wine consumed on this show, it’s amazing the Housewives stay as trim as they do. Weight has always been the elephant in the room on this show, and it was nice to hear someone address it honestly. The awesomeness continues, as Ashley Laurita announces her intention to move to California. But then our dose of level-headed reality is over and its time to head back to Melissa’s in-home recording studio. Wonder if any ghosts will stop by to tell her how awesome she is…
Naturally, Melissa has a team of producers, hired by her husband, who sit around and convince her she’s not terrible. Which is not easy to do. Fortunately, the show’s producers decide to balance out the awful with the awesome, so after Melissa’s painful recording session, we get to eavesdrop on Ashley Laurita’s intervention. It’s a wonderful thing to see Ashley’s two sets of parents give her the business and remind her of what an entitled bee-yotch she is. At one point, Jacqueline really goes off on her, clearly unleashing years of pent-up frustration at once.
Ashley has a ridiculous plan to make it as a make-up artist in LA despite a total lack of education or experience. As much as I can’t stand her, I say let her do it, and give her a spin-off. Just as long as her mom goes along to put her in her place regularly.