“We’re dedicated to working out. We’re dedicated to drinking and having a good time.” With that quote, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro unintentionally summed up the Jersey Shore philosophy. Gym rats are rarely hardcore drunks, and vice-versa, but these guidos have somehow struck a balance between two conflicting lifestyles. It’s kinda admirable, but it’s bound to catch up with them eventually. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is 30 now. It’s only a matter of time before he lifts his shirt and is shocked to finding himself douchily pointing at his own beer gut. I say these kids just abandon the boring fitness BS now and descend into full-blown alcoholism. America wants to watch people get hammered, not ripped.
Anyway, last night’s episode started with Ron and Snooki hitting the streets of Florence in search of the local gym. Naturally they get lost, (“Ron can’t read a map because Ron’s Ron,” Snooki says by way of explanation.) so they give up and just start hitting the bottle. “Wine in Italy for me is, legit, like a cup of coffee for normal people,” Snooks says. It’s like she read my mind! I love this girl more every season. For some reason, Snooki encourages Ron to get back together with Sam, despite that she’s clearly meant for Ron, herself. Ron expresses his shock at how much he and Snooki have in common, but they’ve been peas in a pod since day one, if you think about it. They’ve always been the two drunkest, most emotional housemates and now they’re equally obsessed with the gym. They should crank out a baby so that all three of them can sit around, suck on bottles and cry a lot.
Speaking of terrifying thoughts, Deena Nicole Cortese and The Sitch are somehow the only ones getting laid in Florence, which makes me think that Italy is some sort of crazy backward-land where people wear shoes on their hands and hamburgers eat people. In fact, Mike somehow pulls down a set of twins who seem more than willing to catch his diseases, leading Pauly D to coin the first great catchphrase of the season (“Twinning!”). But Mike and Deena can’t do anything without f*cking it up, so Mike tries (unsuccessfully) to trade two twins for one Snooki, and Deena flips her sh!t when the guys for giving her a hard time about gettin’ it in. The Italian dude, who apparently doesn’t watch MTV Italia, is shocked by the guid-ish antics and sneaks out while the Deena beast is still snoring.
Mike’s bimbos have turned into full-on stalkers, leading to a high-larious phone prank from Ron and Pauly, and an unexpected midday pop-in from the twins. The best part of the whole thing is that The Sitch got so hammered the night before, he doesn’t remember if he invited the girls or not. But because it’s always opposite day in Italy, the prank works out in The Sitch’s favor and turns into a potential threesome situation. How did they ever convince this dude to come back to the States? Then, because this season has been too much fun, Ron ans Sam decide to spoil everyone’s good time by getting back together.
In fairness, their reunion dinner was (in Sam’s words) “so romantical,” but I give ’em a week before the Italian polizia are responding to domestic violence calls at the guido mansion. Snooki even admits that things have been a bit “boring” since Ron and Sam broke up, so she probably urged them to get back together at the request of the producers. Either way get ready for a seriously unhealthy relationship, Italian-style!
Then the stalker twins are back. Turns out one of them is still holding her v-card, leading Snooki to hilariously quip, “The one’s a virgin and the other is, like, a big whore.” Regardless, Snooks does her best to set up a threesome for Mike, in an effort to get him off her back. Maybe she’s smarter than any of us thought. But it looks like Deena wasn’t in on the plan, because she pulls the most epic, unexpected cock block in history, by grabbing the virgin twin for herself. This chick is the most adventurous virgin I’ve ever seen! Deena clarifies that she still “loves penis,” but that doesn’t stop her from gettin’ it with “the hot twin” (well, as much as two chicks can “get it in”). But then, the girl hooks up with Vinny. Yeah, I’m not buying the virgin story.
Then the truth about Snooki and The Situation finally comes out. JWoww reveals to Snooki that Mike has been bragging about hooking up with her to anyone who will listen. Snooks denies it, and The Sitch sticks to his story, but you can pretty much tell from their reactions that Snooki is telling the truth. Snooks and Sitch go at it in front of everyone, for the first really good fight of the season. It seems obvious to anyone who knows these two that Mike is full of sh!t, but he’ll stick to his guns until he successfully ruins Snooki’s relationship. “The truth shall set you free, Snooki,” he says, to close out the episode. Just when you think he can’t be any more of a dick…