Jersey Shore Recap: Drunken Drama in Florence

Jersey Shore has given us lots of disgusting moments over the past three seasons but few compare to the sight of Deena Nicole Cortese mouth-raping Pauly D. The barf-inducing make-out session started on last week's season premiere, but this week's episode opened with even more footage of the drunk face-suck heard round the world. For Pauly it was obviously a drunken act of pity, but little does he know, Deena has big plans for his "Italian sausage" and will probably go full-blown stalker on him by the time this season is out. But Deena and Pauly aren't the only bad-idea hook-up pair gettin' down in Florence. Snooki and The Situation are also threatening to produce hideous guido babies, if only Mike can get his hands on some top-grade Italian roofies.

Yup. Shockingly, Mike is the one pursuing and Snooki is the one trying to stay faithful to her juicehead back home. I guess dropping a few pounds in the off-season can really do wonders for a woman's street value. Just ask Mila Kunis. When she's not dodging the Sitch's sweaty advances, Snooki is playing none-too-subtle matchmaker between Pauly and Deena. "F*ck Deena, please," she tells Pauly, point-blank. "I probably will, but let's just say I f*ck her, then I f*ck other girls...I don't want her to cry." Ah, guido romance. Ya gotta give these kids credit for getting straight to the point. At least Pauly's thinking ahead. He didn't fly to the other side of the world to get exclusive with the likes of Deena. The other guys in the house make fun of Pauly, and rightfully so, but Deena is offering guaranteed no-strings attached sex, which is guido kryptonite. "If we do sex, it is what it is," Deena says. The girl's got a way with words.

Sadly, while Deena is stumbling around casa de guido, Pauly sobers up enough to sneak off to bed and pretend to be asleep. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, meanwhile, makes a drunken late-night call to his "friend" Hannah. Apparently he and this Hannah have become mighty close in the wake of his break-up with Sammi, and Ron even asks her to come visit. That should end well. The next morning, the crew wakes up early (Don't worry, they'll get used to the jet lag and be back to sleeping til 2 pm in no time) and heads to the grocery store in preparation for Sunday dinner. They're shocked, however, to find that "nothing is in English!" Seriously, they said that. After the girls' half-@ssed attempt at cooking, the guys take over. Later, The Sitch takes over again after eavesdropping on an argument between Snooki and her man. Looks like dude might get the Snooki nookie he's been going for, after all.

Then it's finally time to get to "work." The crew meets Marco the, newest small business owner that will soon hate life after hiring the world's laziest guidos. The crew stumbles in hungover and pissed, and they immediately start making lame jokes about "hot salami." Hopefully, MTV hit this poor Marco dude with some serious Euros to make this worth his while. After about 20 minutes of pretending to work, it's time to hit the clubs again. The Italian girls are unimpressed by our homegrown guidos and the guys can't play the fame card overseas, so Mike cozies up to some desperate blonde from Florida. But the highlights of the night come from Ronnie, who gets so epically sh!tfaced that he walks around the club with toilet paper on his face challenging other guys to ab-offs. He also confesses to Snooki that his lady-friend will be visiting soon and sharing a roof with his psycho ex, so we might get to witness the first murder in reality TV history. Awesome!

Deena nearly gets arrested for public intoxication, Mike officially christens the Italian smush room, and Snooki lets on that she might have some feelings for Mike after all (Screaming, "Whore!" at the girl he brought home might be a sign that Snooks is a bit jealous). Despite the fact that she barely suppressed the urge to murder Mike's one-night stand, Snookers lets him down gently when he tries to have a heart-to-heart later that night. Looks like Snooki gained some maturity in place of the pounds she lost. The Situation, on the other hand, is still a d-bag...

Everyone rightlfully rags on Ron and Sam for their drunken drama queen ways, but Sitch takes things a step too far by revealing to Sammi that Ron was bragging about all his recent conquests. Fortunately, everyone's used to Mike's dickish ways by now. The next day, though, an unexpected dick move comes from Pauly who calls Deena out for talking sh!t about Mike. Deena is growing more and more obsessed with Pauly and his sausage every day, so she quickly gets over it. But as always Ron and Sammi have the last word in drama, and the episode ends with Ron turning Sammi down on her offer to go to bed together. So I guess we're back to that.

On an unrelated note, did anyone else notice a lot of gay undertones in tonight's episode? Ron and Pauly nearly made out over a shot glass; Vinny and Ron shared a hot tub; and, of course, Pauly walked into Vinny's room while he was sleeping and offered him some "chap stick." I think the sexually liberated European culture is starting to have an effect on the boys from Shore.