Spray-tanned, first-pumping American guidos in the historic Italian city of Florence. It’s a concept so brilliant, you wonder why no one thought of it until now. When it was announced last winter that the cast of Jersey Shore would be invading the beaches of old Italia for the fourth season of the mega-hit reality series, the world waited in anxious anticipation to see just how badly Snooki and company would humiliate themselves and their country. The answer: well, maybe I should let Snooki handle this one. “Italy is, like, that big country…no, no, Europe is that big country. Then you have like Britain in there, and England…and Italy.” So yeah, they’re gonna embarrass us. A lot. And it’ll be awesome.
Fortunately, the rest of the cast is less concerned about geography. “It’s gonna be like an international panty raid,” says Pauly D. Deena Nicole Cortese has similar plans for her visit to the motherland, “In Italy I’m expecting to bring a guy home…figure them out, and do sex later.” So get your Valtrex ready, Florence! The guidos are coming and they want to infect your genitals. Naturally, not all of the roommates are going abroad just to get their pepperonis nibbled. Vinny Guadagnino is looking to meet a “nice Italian girl” and show off his non-existent beard. Snooki, shockingly, is trying to stay faithful to her d-bag boyfriend, Jionni. J-Woww and Roger are still going strong, and as she says, “they don’t make 6’4″ juiceheads with tattoos out there.” And, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Sammi Giancola are apparently still broken up from last season, but that should last about a three days. Then, there’s The Situation…
“Lock up your daughters, hand-cuff your wives, The Situation is taking over the Italian nation,” says Mike Sorrentino. “European girls are more free-spirited,” he adds as though he knows what the hell he’s talking about. But the really interesting thing about The Bituation’s (not a typo) barber shop rant is his interest in the newly trimmed-down Snooki. “I’d hit it,” Mike casually tells the dude shaving a tic-tac-toe board in the back of his head. In Sitch talk, that means, “She’ll be mine or I’ll act like a little b!tch and ruin the trip for everyone until she gives it up.” This should end well.
The guys and the girls converge for separate sleep-overs before hitting the airport, and the race is on for first crack at the bedrooms. Instead of doing 90 down the Jersey Turnpike, though, this time they’re up on some Amazing Race sh!t, and seeing the guidettes attempt to navigate European airports with 5,000 pounds of bronzer (and pronounce the names of the cities) might be one of the funniest things ever caught on camera. The boys on the other hand, step off the plane like the friggin’ Beatles landing in America and are the first to arrive at the incredible mansion/castle that they’ll be living in for the season. The place is even equipped with a bidet, which Vinny describes as feeling ‘kinda good on a lonely night.” Um…weird.
Finally, the girls arrive, and it’s time for the long-awaited Ronnie/Sammi reunion. “I don’t know single Sammi,” says Pauly D. “Only thing I noticed changed is that she’s got bigger boobs.” Bigger boobs and a crazy-b!tch look in her eyes. Could be worse; she could “smell like King Kong’s @sshole,” like Snooki. Deena announces that she’d like to become “smush buddies” with Pauly (this girls gets what she wants), everyone does a shot, the ladies talk about their fake boob plans and everyone freaks out when it looks like their hair-dryers won’t work in them crazy European outlets. I’m already thrilled with the way this trip is starting out and they haven’t even left the house yet….
“I thought Snooks was single,” Mike says, with an obvious disappointment, when Deena breaks the news to him. Maybe Mike just has an innocent crush on Nicole, or maybe, as Sammi says, “Nicole’s in a relationship, Mike wants to ruin it. It’s like a disease.” Speaking of ruined relationships, Ronnie gets solo drunk and follows Sam around the house like a sad, hammered, ‘roided-out puppy dog. “He’s so gonna bang you,” says Snooki. Yeah, I’d put money down on that. Then it’s finally time for the guidos and guidettes to venture out into the new and extremely foreign world of Florence.
Not surprisingly, Snooki and the guidettes have a hard time navigating the streets of old Italy in a stick shift, and the guys go to the gym without them, much to the chagrin of Snooks, who’s newly obsessed with the gym. Apparently, that obsession has paid off, as Mike is newly obsessed with her. The Sitch confesses to Ronnie that he had sex with Snooki, and that he hooked up with her while she was dating Jionni…and that he has a thing for her! WTF?! 1.) Is there anyone in the tri-state area that Snooki hasn’t hooked up with? 2.) Is The Sitch such a dick that he’s only interested in Snooki because she has a boyfriend? Me thinks so.
It’s a lot of drama for the first 48 hours abroad. Thankfully, after all that, it’s finally time to hit the clubs. The guys are looking to FTD (DTF in Italian), but they’re reliant on Vinny to translate for them when it’s time to spit game. That should make for an interesting season. But ya know what should make things even more interesting? The night one hook-ups! The Sitch and Snooki, Pauly and Deena?! Do these people know they have to live together for the next couple months? Looks we’ve been sucked into the drama for another season. How do you say “Aw, yeah!” in Italian?