One thing that no one could ever say about Two and a Half Men character Charlie Harper is that he lacked confidence. Ashton Kutcher, known for his comedic performance and marrying a cougar, was expected to bring the laughs to the popular CBS phenomenon known as “Two and a Half Men,” but shockingly, Ashton sucked. Like, really sucked. Ashton appeared to be sedated the entire episode and we don’t know if his nonchalant demeanor and delivery was scripted, or if he was nervous, or if he should just retire and stick to full-time tweeting.
Two and a Half Men producers and writers took their revenge out on paper, making a mockery of Sheen’s character. At Charlie Harper’s funeral ex-girlfriends and jumpoffs were in attendance talking about the STDs that Harper gave them. A drug dealer showed up to collect the money Charlie owes him, and Jenny McCarthy said she only attended the funeral to spit on Charlie. OUCH!
After the funeral, Charlie’s brother Allan received his ashes, only to spill them all over the floor. DAMN, some folks at CBS really hate the Sheenius.
Ashton finally appeared, playing a suicidal billionaire named Walden Schmidt who tried to kill himself before realizing the water in the ocean was too cold for drowning. For being a man with $1.3 billion, Walden was stupid as hell. Ashton, who is known for his humor, energy and charm, appeared to be sleep walking around the set.
During two scenes of the premiere, Kutcher walked around Charlie’s house naked men because naked men are supposed to be funny? Not so much. Walden is a complete 180 from cocky womanizer Charlie Harper, and the show’s writers are not capitalizing on Kutcher’s abilities. We thought he was going to be funny! He’s actually good at being funny, so WTF?!
I’ll tune into another episode or two to see if things get better, but it seems that last night’s audience was left unanimously shocked. Aren’t season premieres like opening weekend at the box office? A strong first impression motivates fans to promote projects via word of mouth. Sigh. Charlie Sheen had predicted the show would bomb without him.