Jersey Shore Recap: Jionni LaValle Dumps Snooki

Ah, Snooki blowing on a breathalyzer. It's a sight we were bound to see at some point on Jersey Shore. The only thing that's shocking is that the drunk test she took on last night's episode turned up negative. Still, Snooks plowed into a cop car and didn't have her license on her at the time, so she was hauled off to the clink for the second time in two seasons. We're beginning to think she might have a problem (aside from her unfortunate spray tan addiction).

The guys arrive on the scene too late to prevent Nicole from getting arrested, so it's off to the stazione polizia to rescue Team Meatball. Snooks escapes with some fines and a suspended license, but the really bad news is waiting for her when she gets home. Jionni informs her that JWoww's boyfriend, Roger, won't be joining him on the trip to Italy because he couldn't get time off from work. Jenni immediately calls her man and cries her fake eyelashes off, while he acts like he couldn't give less of a f*ck. And with that, Roger lost his title of Only Decent Dude on Shore. Where the frig does this dude work that he can't get a week off? Is he the world's first juicehead emergency room doctor?

To get their minds off the day's events, everyone hits the club, where The Situation likes the ratio of "hot dog buns to hot dogs." He's determined to get it in, and he may have, were it not for the fact that Snooki was left home alone, and she's equally determined to get revenge after a season's worth of ball-busting. Stalker Taltos twin Brittany shows up unannounced, and rather than turn her away at the door, Snooks invites the poor girl in, hilariously calls her a wildebeest and sticks her drunk @ss in Mike's bed. It takes a hammered Situation a second or two to put things together when he arrives home with one girl on his arm and another in his bed, but his dick thinks more quickly than his brain, so he boots the Aussie he picked up at the club in favor of the sure thing, Brittany. We're never getting rid of this chick.

So Snooki's little prank backfired, but she's got bigger things on her plate - primarily, the arrival of her boyfriend, Jionni, which Pauly D sums up thusly, "Snooki's nervous for numerous reasons. She hooked up with Situation, which she kinda told Jionni about, and the whole Deena les-be-honest experience. So when Jionni gets here, a lot of sh!t is gonna pop off." And pop off it does. Despite the drama, Snooki's initial reunion with her dickish boyfriend, is genuinely kinda heartwarming. This chick is really in love, which makes what happens later in the episode that much sadder.

Naturally, Snooks wants to skip the introductions and head right to the smush room, but because he's a closet homosexual, Jionni has to change into a fancier outfit first. The Situation might actually be more interested in Jionni's arrival than Snooki, and he decides within seconds of meeting the dude that he and Jionni have beef. Snooki finally gets to touch Jionni's "tanned weiner" (weird) and Mike announces his plans to kick the guy if he gets too close. Jionni may be a dick (a tanned dick), but this poor guy had no idea what he was getting himself into...

While Mike practices his karate moves, Snooki announces her plans to squeeze out Jionni's guido babies (c-section, so she doesn't "f*ck up [her] vagina"), and you just know something serious is going down before this night is through. Mike's paranoia increases as the night goes on, and a confrontation between the Sitch and the douche seems inevitable. But amazingly, the main conflict of the night comes when Snooki does a particularly skanky club dance and Jionni bounces on the scene.

Yes, Jionni pulled a dick move, but that's kinda what he does. It's Snooki who comes off as the real psycho here, drunkenly chasing dude through the streets of Florence and screaming, "I hate you!" at JWoww, who's trying to help the situation (lowercase "s"). Snooks' remarkably loyal friends chase J-Love (new nickname alert) through the streets of Florence (In heels! On cobblestone!) but seem to only make things worse. Has everyone forgotten that this dude has no choice but to come back to the house eventually?

Somehow, Jionni is still pissed when he comes back to the house and a probably still drunk Snooki makes things worse by chasing him around the house. There was some debate among the roommates about who was to blame for the night's drama. While everyone agreed that Jionni overreacted, some also felt that Snooki should curb the skankiness now that she's in a relationship. Either way, I think everyone can agree these two shouldn't be together. Jionni seems well aware of this fact, and the episode ends with him getting in a cab to go to the airport. On the plus side, at least the epic screaming match made Sam and Ron realize how much it sucks to be stuck in a house with a drama queen couple.