Jersey Shore Recap: Jionnni LaValle is a Douche, Pauly D is the 'Ultimate Guido'

Remember last week's Jersey Shore, where The Situation made the awesome decision to pound his head into a concrete wall? Pretty funny, right? Well, not as funny as listening to Mike share the profound lessons that he learned from the experience. "At least I know from now on not to bang my head into a wall anymore," says The Sitch. "The walls in Italy are pure brick and mortar." As opposed to the walls in America, which are made out of, like, the Internet, or something. Just as things are getting truly hilarious, however, they quickly become tragic. "I can't eat. I can't GTL," Mike whines. Damn. I'm not sure how a neck brace prevents you from doing laundry, but that sh!t is sad. Almost as sad as the fact that a 30 year-old man apparently thought the centuries-old castle he's living in was made out of drywall. Hopefully, he attempts his usual routine and is left with a hysterical neck brace tan line.

Fortunately, Mike's friends are there to offer helpful advice and mercilessly rip on him. "Stop milking that sh!t!" says Pauly D, who apparently doesn't know The Sitch very well. The ladies, of course, break away from the rest of the house to gossip about the previous night's ridiculous pissing contest. Naturally, they trash Mike for a while, but amazingly, none of the girls express their concern for Sammi Giancola, who's obviously in a seriously abusive relationship with violent roid-freak Ron. Ah, well, I'm sure she'll be ok...as long as MTV security stays within shouting distance for the duration of their inevitable marriage. But once again, the guys prove they're the ones who really wear the skirts in the house as Ron and Mike talk about the feelings and cry a little (seriously) while the girls are out talking about what d-bags they are.

After getting yelled at by an Italian priest for walking the streets dressed like a streetwalker, Snooki calls her probably gay boyfriend, and offends him as well - to the point that he basically tells her he's breaking up with her when he visits. She consults the Ron oracle, because apparently that's what guidos do when they have problems. Sorry, but how did the walking mass of rage that just tried to kick the sh!t out of his roommate become the show's in-house Dr. Phil?

But all the drama in the house pales in comparison to what happens next: our first glimpse of Pauly D, sans blow-out. After showing his signature hair in its natural greasy-mullet mode, he fashions it into the world's pointiest faux-hawk and he and Vinny decide to dress like "ultimate guidos." Wait, what do they dress like the rest of the time? Fortunately, I'm not the only who recognizes the irony in this dress-up game. "That's not a costume" says Deena. "That's their normal clothes." The guido comedy hour is pretty funny, and the two even coin a new catchphrase ("fist pumps, push-ups, chapstick!"), but I don't think they realize that the "characters" they're playing aren't that far from their actual greasy selves.

Then, of course, it's Ron and Sammi time again. "If I have to hear Ron and Sammi fight one more time, I will smash my head against a wall," says Pauly D, expertly ripping on three roommates with one line. Finally, Vinny (the real Dr. Phil of the house) does what someone should've done seasons ago and tells the world's unhealthiest couple to keep their negative bullsh!t away from everyone else. Ron and Sam are weirdly receptive to the criticism and walk away from their fight vowing that things will be different from now on (until one of them is in the same room as a shot of Jaeger).

Far more entertaining, is the beef between Mike and Nicole, in which Snooki is continually trying to squeeze an apology out of The Sitch, who persistently sticks to his story that the two of them hooked up. At this point, the guy is either telling the truth, or he's the world's ballsiest liar. Snooks decides to take her aggression out on some hater-ish b!tch who threw a drink at her in the club. Hilariously, she ends up fighting Deena in the confusion, and then basically gets cussed out by her boyfriend when she tries to tell him the tale. The drama should be thick when this dude comes to visit.

The episode ends with Deena discovering her Italian dude got a hickey from his sister, and Snooki becoming the subject of an intervention, because she's "addicted to [her] boyfriend's penis." If things get much weirder, I may insist on a premature return to the States.