“I want this music career so bad,” Melissa Gorga says at the start of last night’s season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The sad thing is, her wish might come true. When you have her kind of money, you can be a 32 year-old mother of two with no discernible talent and an international pop sensation. I’m pretty sure Melissa is the reason people are occupying Wall St. But because she’s first and foremost a real housewife, Melissa has her stylist at the house not for her next video, but for her upcoming family portrait.
Apparently, this portrait is a big deal because in the past, Teresa Giudice excluded the Gorgas from the annual family picture. So it makes sense that Melissa would wanna pick out her best club skank clothes for the occasion. But before we get to the weekly Giudice/Gorga drama, it’s time for the producers to remind us that there are other people on the show. Chris and Caroline Manzo’s brother Jamie (the cool brother) pops into town to talk (and hopefully smack) some sense into Chris’ daughter Ashley. Jamie and Ashley trade tattoo stories (Ashley has a swallow on her wrist. Tee hee. At least it’s not on her throat) and things seem to be going well until Ashley throws another one of her sh!t fits. Here’s hoping she won’t be back next season.
Next, we check in with the more boring stable families. The Manzo kids hilariously crash their mom’s radio show and make fun of the callers, while Kathy Wakile’s daughter goes to prom, and I struggle to stay awake. Isn’t this a season finale? Where’s the drama?! Turns out that like any good Bravo finale, it’s all in the last 20 minutes.
Finally, it’s family photo time. Everyone converges at the Giudice estate and Joe Gorga peer pressures his ill and elderly father into boozing it up with him, then everyone gets down to the ugly business of pretending to be a happy family. Teresa and Melissa apologize and make nice, and everyone puts on their best bling and black clothes for the most gaudy, guido-tastic family photo in history. Teresa’s daughter nearly ruins the occasion with a temper tantrum, but Teresa calms her down with promises of “Justin Beaver.” But if you thought that was the stupidest thing Teresa would do this week, you don’t know Teresa…
Kathy Wakile once again bores the hell out of everyone with her high-horse speeches about parenting (She so won’t be back next season) and then it’s finally time for some actual drama. Teresa’s cookbook comes out, and it turns out she has some unkind things to say about Caroline. In fact, she drops the ultimate Jersey insult on her supposed BFF: She says Caroline’s not a real Italian!
Turns out, Teresa has some b!tchy things to say about pretty much everyone in her new book. She calls Melissa fake, and hints at Kathy and her husband making “corny jokes” about her. It actually seems like the only reason Teresa’s been so nice to everyone this week is because she knew her slanderous cookbook was about to hit stores. Too little, too late, though, as it seems Teresa may have gone too far this time, Caroline and Jacqueline don’t see the humor in her alleged “jokes,” and they feel she really crossed the line with a crack about Caroline’s son. So, somehow, Teresa has managed to make even more enemies. She literally has no one in her corner at this point. Should make for an interesting next season.