Wtf is the deal with these two? Snooki and Jionni have officially earned the title of Worst Couple on Jersey Shore, and at this point, I don’t even know which one of them sucks worse. Jionni fled the country in disgust when Nicole did a slutty dance in front of him, but when she tells him she banged one of her roommates, he calmly says he needs some time to think. Snooki, meanwhile, has gone from fun, independent party girl to smeared-mascara basketcase. She’s totally ruining the trip of a lifetime by wasting her time in Italy crying about some dude who’s obviously wrong for her. The fact that these two are still together is a testament to how retarded the two of them truly are.
Speaking of retarded, Deena still refuses to accept that she and Pauly D will never “do sex.” Pauly’s too nice to just tell her flat out that her face is like dick kryptonite, so he desperately tries to pick up a different chick when everyone goes out that night. He strikes out, at when they get home, Deena is more relentless than ever. “I think I’m pretty,” Deena says, having tragically grown up in a house without mirrors. “I’m a good f*ck and I have no shame,” she adds, totally ruining whatever chance she ever might have had by proving that she’s certain to go all psycho stalker if Pauly ever smushed her.
At this point, Team Meatball is at an all-time low and they’re looking to drown their sorrows like never before. God help you, Florence. While the “ladies” are out getting sh!tfaced, The Situation hilariously picks up a toothbrush that Pauly used to clean his hair clippers and sticks the thing in his mouth, oblivious to the fact that it looks like it hit puberty. But despite being already hammered or having a mouth full of blow-out trimmings, everyone hits the club. It’s their last Saturday night in Italy, and they’re looking to go hard. And go hard they do.
The guidos aren’t out for very long before things turn ugly. The crowd starts chanting “shame” and “piece of sh!t” at the guys and knowing that they’re surrounded by club security, The Sitch siezes the opportunity to act tough. After some pointless shouting, the bouncers escort them out and it looks like an early end to the night…for everyone except Team Meatball. Snooki and Deena hit a different club by themselves and things are just as bad. “Maybe it was the boots,” Deena guesses pathetically when everyone starts harassing them. The sh!t really hits the fan when the bartender, of all people, starts throwing ice at them. For once, I totally had Nicole’s back when she threw a drunken hissy fit. These kids have clearly worn out their welcome. Good thing they’re leaving Italy soon.
Having apparently not pissed off the city of Florence enough the night before, Nicole and Deena stay up all night drinking and hit the town again (dressed like Hoboken hookers) at 7:30 the next morning. “At this point, we’re tan girl watsted, we need to be meatball wasted,” Snooks says. Before they can get in any real trouble, though, the meatballs pass out and are kicked out of the first restaurant they terrorize.
Back home, Deena starts some beef with Mike, which is pretty much just cliched at this point. She throws a spatula at him and gets in a good one-liner about how fugly dude’s face is. But then it’s time for the last Sunday dinner in Italy and everyone is ready to bond and reflect on their time together. For about 5 seconds, anyway. Somehow, a fight starts about rooming arrangements in Jersey, and Mike ends up threatening to leave the show. At this point, everyone has threatened to leave at some point, but Mike has every reason to, and I actually felt kinda bad for him.
While everyone was encouraging Mike to get on the next plane, Pauly and Vinny continued to fuel rumors that they “get it in” when no one is watching, by getting in bed together and, um…saying that they get it in when no one is watching. Mike gets locked in the bathroom, a situation that’s full of symbolism (he’s alone in the house, and he’s a piece of sh!t). Then everyone hits the club again and totally bails on The Sitch when he starts another fight with the locals. He heads home alone, and drunkenly mumbles to himself about being “the bad guy.” This dude is seriously starting to go off the rails. Someone in the house needs to show him some love, or we’re about to see what it looks like when a guido loses his mind.