The guidos made their long awaited return to the States on last night’s episode of Jersey Shore, but first they had to say good-bye to the city overseas where they fought, partied, and…didn’t really get laid all that much. “I can’t get a haircut out here; I can’t get a tan out here, and the gym sucks,” Pauly D said of Florence while the crew made their way to the airport. I’m excited to see the Shore whores back in Jersey, too. Not so that they continue to party at the same lame boardwalk clubs while pretending they’re not rich and famous, but so they can stop with all the ugly American culture shock griping. We get it! There aren’t a lot of tanning beds in Europe! They have more interesting ways of getting cancer…like smoking.
As was widely reported at the time it happened, the crew went straight from the airport to the Seaside house, with no break in filming. And of course they gushed about how happy they were to be home for the duration of the journey. “It’s like America’s my mother. I’m coming home to my mother,” said Ronnie. Okay, guys, it’s not like you were in Baghdad. Maybe you’ll stop getting those stupid green, white, and red flag tattoos now that you’ve realized you’re way more American than you’ll ever be Italian. Happy as they are to be home, it’s not long before the Orangemen get caught up in some drama.
“No one wants to room with Mike,” says Pauly. It’s a problem that came up in Italy, where The Situation was his usual douchey self. Now he seems eager to make amends, but no one’s having it. Everyone agrees to their old rooming arrangements, so of course, once they’re settled, Vinny Guadagnino wastes no time violently dry-humping his roommate, Pauly. Lord, I can only imagine what goes down when they’re not on camera. Fortunately, Ron, Sammi, and The Sitch all back in the same room again, which should lead to the same hilarious, but borderline scary drama those three have created in seasons past.
“I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice until I got back,” says Snooki, and, amazingly, she’s actually talking about brined cucumbers. As she slurps pickle juice straight from the jar (seriously) everyone else hits the sauce, then the boardwalk, and it’s like season one all over again. But as important as drinking and partying are to the Jersey Shore experience, they’re not the key ingredients. There were three important letters missing from last season and the guys mean to make up for lost time.
“If we don’t GTL, it’s like the end of civilization,” says The Sitch, and he’s right. I’m pretty sure the fall of the Roman Empire was caused by d-bags not radiating their skin. But while the guys are in heaven, the girls are in hell, lying around the house and stressing about the men in their lives. They dejectedly drag their jet-lagged @sses to a drinks session with their boss, only to find…
A banger of a surprise party! The boyfriends that Jenni and Snooks were stressing about are there, along the family and friends of the whole guido crew. I always love seeing JWoww‘s skinny hippie dad make an appearance. The look on his face always screams, “Where did I go wrong?” Everyone is happy, except Vinny, who cries for some reason, because that’s a reasonable reaction from a grown man who hasn’t seen his mother in six weeks.
But the real drama comes from the fact that Snooki, Mike, and Jionni are all in the same room along with hangers-on Ryder and The Unit, who allegedly witnessed Mike and Snooks’ smush session. Snooki’s behavior pretty much removes all doubt that she banged Mike, and amazingly The Situation comes off as a stand-up guy in the situation, by helping Nicole keep the truth from her man. Maybe Mike’s turned over a new leaf since Italy. For the sake of the audience, let’s hope not.
The party’s over, but Snooki’s not out of the woods yet. Everyone goes back to the house for what seems to be a big confrontation, or, as Mike says, “Hurricane Situation headed for Snooki Island.” Unfortunately, the hurricane peters out into Tropical Storm Situation as Nicole and her man hide from the situation (and The Situation) in Nicole’s room. The next morning, however, The Sitch and The Unit decide to put off their retarded nickname contest in order to torment Snooki, but she wisely kisses just enough @ss to keep the truth from coming out. Girl’s smarter than she looks.
Ryder bangs yet another housemate (Pauly), but that’s hardly news. The interesting thing is the deep funk that Vinny sinks into. I can’t make up my mind if it’s the result of him missing his mommy (in which case I’ll make fun of him) or if it’s just that he’s sick of the Jersey Shore house (in which case, I can relate). The episode ends with Vin saying he wants to go home, but, c’mon…we all know that’s not not gonna happen.
Strong season premiere over all, but hopefully it’s a wrap on whiny Vin.
