There’s been a lot of speculation lately about Vinny Guadagnino and Pauly D being gay guido lovers (GGLs). I initially dismissed it, thinking the guys were just caught up in the throes of a passionate bromance, but after seeing Pauly descend into full Shakespearean tragedy mode after Vinny left the house on last night’s episode of Jersey Shore, I’m beginning to think these two might be smearing their fake tans on one another’s private parts.
Even weirder were the reactions from Deena (“I love him!”) and Jionni (asking Snooki, “Do you love him?!”). Relax, guys. Vinny’s cool, but he’s not Ferris freakin’ Bueller. There are worse things than one of your friends heading back to Staten Island a few weeks ahead of schedule. Vinny’s family has an equally dramatic reaction to his return home, but because his mom is the old-school, loving Italian type, she welcomes him with open arms, instead of smacking him for quitting the world’s easiest seven-figure job.
Fortunately, Snooki is around to keep things perspective. “Let’s just get wastey pants,” she says, coining my new favorite term for getting hammered. Before noon, the Meatballs are humping each other on top of the bar and doing body shots with Deena’s surprisingly non-hideous sister. Despite stumbling to a cab while the sun is still up, Snooki is somehow back out that night swilling vodka and attempting to break dance, which leads me to believe she’s somehow grown a second liver.
The whole crew heads out for round three and Snooki has somehow sobered up yet again. She’s soon in need of a serious Cuervo infusion, though, as The Situation’s d-bag friend The Unit is (as always) hanging out at Karma waiting to make her life miserable. Why is this dude suddenly around all the time? Where was he the first four seasons? Why is he wearing a vest with no shirt under it? Despite my many questions about The Unit, he’s certainly made this season more interesting, and last night’s episode was no exception…
“Myself and The Unit are ready to gym, tan, tell the truth,” Mike says as he and Jonny douche-walk over to Snooki and Jionni. But in a case of Tebow-esque divine intervention, a fight breaks out and The Unit is bounced from the club before he gets a chance to ruin Snooki’s relationship. Clearly, God loves the Snooks as much as I do. The next morning, the whole crew calls Vinny and receives the bummer news that he’s not planning to return to the house anytime soon. Everyone (especially Pauly) is feeling a bit down. Fortunately, in Seaside, that means it’s time to party…
It’s Pauly’s 31st (!) birthday and Mike does the honorable thing by sending a seemingly DTF Bosnian his way. Amazingly, the chick so strongly prefers Mike, that she dips on Pauly (on his birthday) then comes back to the house in search of a smush session with The Sitch. Clearly, Bosnia is some sort of magical backwards land where people wear shoes on their hands and Nickelback is beloved by critics and audiences alike.
Unfortunately for the Bosnian, Mike is somehow “wifed up” with an attractive, seemingly normal chick. But The Sitch’s good fortune doesn’t last for long. While everyone goes all out for Pauly’s birthday (including his entire family, and barber who made a surprise visit) no one seems to give a sh!t about Mike’s own special day. Although, in fairness, Mike acts like a whiny b!tch as a result, thus reminding everyone why they don’t want to celebrate his birthday.
Eventually, it all becomes too much for The Sitch and I found myself actually feeling a little bad for the “emotional dude.” Predictably, he pulls a Vinny/Angelina, leaving the house in a last-ditch attempt to get some sympathy. C’mon dude…you didn’t really think people were gonna beg you to come back, did you? Have you seen this show?