Roger loves to fight. When he’s not beefin’ with JWoww for seemingly no reason, he’s throwing down with random club d-bags at Karma. Somehow the thick-necked ‘roid case manages to scuffle without taking any lives (it helps to have an MTV security team just off camera) and everybody leaves the club unscathed and un-cuffed. Snooki is (as always) excited to “touch Jionni’s weiner” but the combination of one too many cosmos and the thought of having sex with Snooki has the closet-case guido blowing chunks (thanks for the audio on that, producers). “I wanna have sex right now. Why the f*ck are you throwing up?” says the ultra-compassionate Nicole. I don’t know what’s more impressive, her way with words or her tender bedside manner.
Because he’s an actual heterosexual man, Roger has a somewhat decent reason for blowing off his girlfriend – opting to pound drinks and chicken salad sandwiches instead of smushing. This guy actually seems cool and I’m hoping both he and Jenni’s hooker boots will make plenty of cameos in the upcoming JWoww/Snooki spinoff. Further proving that they own the only testicles in the Shore house, the ladies suggest a fishing/crabbing trip the next morning. After many crab-based one-liners (“I caught crabs!” and the slightly more clever “Crabs are here!”) the guidos actually make a decent showing – until Snooki and Deena decide to try their hand at rafting.
“Arms are flapping; there’s meatball sauce flying everywhere,” says Ronnie in what could serve as an accurate description of the boating adventure or any of Deena’s recent smush sessions. Some onlookers try to warn the Meatballs to keep their inflatable raft away from sharp objects. Deena thinks they’re saying “shark” and hilariously freaks out over the prospect of a deadly great white lurking in three feet of murky Jersey piss-water. Snooki, meanwhile is mainly concerned with holding onto her booze and extensions. “Your eyelashes are floating in the Pacific, as we speak,” she chides Deena, while showing off her impressive knowledge of geography.
After failing to bring home any DIY seafood, it’s time for the Shore Store and another run-in with Pauly D‘s stalker. “She stares right at me with this death look that I can feel burning a hole through my head…and it’s messing with my blowout.” I’ll repeat my prediction that we’re gonna see this chick on the news very soon. Speaking of stalkers, Mike grills Snooki about her relationship with Jionni and seems surprised when she says she wants to marry him. “When someone says at the wedding, ‘Does anyone object?’ Can I run in the room?” Mike asks. At least he knows he won’t be invited. Minutes later, Snooks describes her relationship as “definitely unhealthy,” which makes the news of her recent engagement a little troubling.
After a bet between Mike and Nicole somehow doesn’t turn sexual, Snooks is forced to wear Lola (her bunny suit that must be downright rancid after not being dry-cleaned all summer) to the club. Lola is such a needed dose of fun this season, I feel like she’s earned a spot in the opening credits. I’ll be beyond depressed when someone inevitably pukes while wearing her head, forcing the slutty bunny to be put out to pasture.
Since none of the guidos have been arrested in, like, six months, I was thrilled to hear Nicole announce, “I wanna break a law or two tonight.” Sure enough, the cops (who hilariously know Snooks by name) show up while the Meatballs are doing some kind of drunken beach thing. Sadly, after Deena fails to get it in with one of the cops, the girls are released on their own recognizance. I was looking forward to seeing them rock the Lola head behind bars.
Speaking of people who will eventually end up in jail, Pauly’s stalker continues to make things creepy at the Shore Store, and a confrontation with JWoww sadly doesn’t end with any eye-gouging or hair-pulling.
The episode ends with a sad reminder that Snooki is about to marry the wrong dude. After her boyfriend makes another attempt to shame her into being someone else, she goes out with Vinny and actually enjoys herself with her clothes on for the first time since season three. How does Jionni watch this sh!t and still wanna marry this girl. She’s settling, bro!