Jersey Shore Season Finale Recap: So Long, Seaside

Maybe Snooki will be the world’s most patient mom. After all, her reaction to coming home to find all of her furniture missing with a kiddie pool in its place is to scream, “How fun!” Of course, eventually, she realizes that she’s actually the victim of the world’s most labor-intensive prank and she’s slightly less cool with the situation. But ya know who’s really not cool with the situation? That’s right: The Situation. Mike’s response to Pauly D and Vinny’s prank is to sulk and stamp his feet like a ‘roid-raged 3 year-old. As Pauly put it, “He’s being a little b!tch right now.”

Sammi Giancola and Vinny Guadagnino Hug It Out

And who could blame him? Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore could be the last one we’ll ever see. No reason for Mike to try and change the way he’s viewed by his roommates or the public at this point. Come to think of it, if (God forbid) this is the end of Shore as we know it, I can’t think of a better send-off for Mike than standing in the rain watching all his sh!t get ruined because he decided a temper tantrum was a better use of time than moving his freakin’ bed inside. But unfortunately, that’s not the last we see of The Sitch…

Since his attempt to destroy Snooki’s relationship failed miserably, Mike has moved to trying to figure out how take his knowledge about Deena’s sister, Joanie (She’s a squirter. Something you apparently can’t say on TV.) and “use it for evil.” Unfortunately, for The Sitch the whole thing blows up in his face (teehee) when word gets back to Deena that Mike is spreading the word about Joanie’s super soaker. Deena confronts Mike, but she’s hard to take seriously, even when she’s mad…especially when she’s mad about her sister’s hoo-ha.

Vinny and Lesbians

Speaking of lady parts, Vinny is intent on convincing two strict vadgitarians to include sausage in their diet. He’s attempting to hook-up with a lesbian couple, is what I’m saying, but his own prank backfires when he comes home to find that Ronnie’s bed is still in the smush room. But as Ronnie points out, maybe it’s for the best. “Look at their faces,” he tells Vin. “One of them looks like Matthew McConaughey.” And with that one line, Ron makes up for an entire season of contributing less to the show than goddam Crocodilly.

 

Vin seals the deal with the lesbians, thus crossing another item off his “fuck-it list,” but he doesn’t get to celebrate for long. A storm that no blow-out can withstand descends upon casa de guido and threatens to ruin the last night in Seaside. Of course, nothing could stand between Karma and the tanned ones on their last night in town, so they pile into the cabs for a final round of Jersey Turnpiking. But it wouldn’t be a finale without some end of season drama, so Deena threatens to confront Mike’s brother (who is apparently 64 years old and still sporting a faux-hawk) about the squirting rumor. Mike intervenes and that’s about as exciting as things got all season episode.

Right up until the end, I was holding out hope for the kind of pointless conflicts and weird humor that made Shore a hit, but season 5 just didn’t deliver. Even the final dinner/bender we saw on last night’s episode lacked the drama of seasons past because none of the guidos seemed to doubt that they’d get a call a few weeks after returning home telling them where to report for season six. But ironically, this is the first time one season has ended without plans for the next already in place. Three cast members have spinoffs in the works and, of course, Snooki has her own side project going on. There’s no way MTV will let the sun set on the Seaside crew without at least cashing in on a farewell season, but sadly, this was likely the last we’ll see of the guidos as we now know them. #GTS (Gym, tan, sad good-bye). *wipes away greasy tear*

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