I never thought I’d say this, but thank God Snooki is pregnant. If that midget liquor sponge hadn’t gotten knocked up, there would be literally nothing interesting going on with the cast of Jersey Shore, and I say this with one episode left in the season – a time when the drama and shenanigans are usually at their peak. The only compelling storyline since the cast returned from Italy - Mike’s douche-tastic attempt to ruin Snooki’s relationship – looked like it was gonna come to a head at the beginning of last night’s episode, but even that fizzled out quickly.
The Situation confessed (a little too eagerly) to Jionni that he banged Nicole while she and Jionni were dating. Jionni responded by…shaking his hand and thanking him for his honesty?! What kind of guido is this dude?! Where’s the hot-tempered jealousy?! Jionni then climbs into bed with Snooki and reveals that he doesn’t believe Mike’s story, which makes him even more of a pussy for smiling in the face of the guy who he thinks is slandering his girlfriend for no reason. Fortunately, Snooki still has some balls and she responds to Mike’s rampant dickishness like only she could – by throwing pickles at the dude.
“I think Jionni took the news so well because he knows Snooki’s hooking up. He’s doing the same thing,” Pauly D theorized, ignoring the fact that Jionni is an obvious closet case. Snooki, of course, has a different take on the situation. “Jionni and I are getting married, I feel, when he proposes,” says Snooks. “I don’t when that is, but he better do it, like, within the future.” Sounds like a girl with a plan…and possibly a serious learning disorder.
Because the producers are well aware of how boring this season has been, Snooki then proposes a camping trip like she’s reading from a cue card and then there’s a food fight, for some reason. Fortunately, what starts with a little innocent hot dog flinging turns into a serious condiment war between Snooki and The Sitch…because that’s how grown-ups settle disputes. Did I mention they were sober at the time? And don’t forget these two are about to head off into the woods together. What could go wrong?
None of the roommates have ever been in the woods before, but Snooki sums up the venture as “marshmallows, ghost stories and drinking.” Sounds like she has a pretty good understanding of camping to me. There’s some more “drama” between Deena and that Joey dude who openly treats her like sh!t, Vinny bangs a “thick chick” because “hot girls are boring” apparently, and then it’s finally time to see guidos attempt to pitch a tent.
Pauly and Vinny opt out of the trip so that they can execute the most labor-intensive prank in history by moving all of the furniture in the house outside. I got tired just watching them; seems like the joke is really on Paul and Vin with this one. But even if they spent the weekend engaging in back-breaking labor, the gayest guidos made the right choice by staying home. Not only were they spared near death as a result of Mike’s pyromania (or, as Deena explained it, “He’s like one of those people who loves fire…a hermaphrodite”), but they also didn’t have to witness The Sitch’s weird wilderness-induced paranoia.
After the girls share their feelings and freak out over spiders (in fairness, f*ckers were huge) everyone decides to pull the plug on camping and return to the comforts of home. Little do they know, their home is now on a damn patio. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait until next week’s season finale to see their full reactions.