Posts by Cheesus

When one Basketball Wife leaves, two more come in her stead. Kesha’s off the island, but now Jennifer Williams and crazy Kenya Bell are in Tahiti. Substituting crazy for more crazy!

Tami, Shaunie, and Evelyn go on a sunset cruise, where Tami says she’s going to try to talk to Kesha because she thinks they can have a mature conversation. Maybe a straitjacket would help too? Shaunie thinks that Kesha didn’t want to escalate the situation, though Evelyn doesn’t blame Tami for taking it the wrong way. But that stuff is about to be old news because they spot Jennifer on the patio of her bungalow. Awwwwkward. They sail on by, and it’s like running into an old lover for Evelyn. It brings up old memories, and so she wants to lay everything out on the table. Tami is licking her chops at the prospect of confrontation.

Jen eats salad with Suzie, because she’s the only one she’s still really on good terms with besides Kenya. Jen has “a lot of emotions” about being in Tahiti since it reminds her of her honeymoon in the Maldives. The two of them talk about how they are “grown women” and should be able to talk about their differences without any crazy, but they have this conversation as much as they have conflict. And look where we are now. But still, Jen doesn’t want to see Evelyn or talk to her at all because she doesn’t tolerate abuse--which is why she’s still going through with the stupid lawsuit against Nia, Evelyn’s assistant.

Suzie reports all this to The Clique (AKA Tami, Evelyn, and Shaunie), who all seem a bit irritated by the whole thing. Then they go on jet skis because this is actually, like, vacation. When the four of them go to get breakfast, they discuss how they haven’t run into Jen or Kenya at all. Shaunie thinks it’s just plain rude not to tell them they’re there. True dat. But they’re also curious about how Kenya’s dealing with the nasty fish sh!t they spread all over her room. Tami’s had enough, so she goes with Shaunie to try to get Kenya out of her hut. They smell the fish, but apparently Kenya doesn’t? That’s some witchcraft, right there.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner are on a destructive but profitable path towards more reality TV shows, rando charity functions, and gratuitous perfume lines. I guess it’s hereditary. (Just look at Kim Kardashian and Kris Jenner.)

The younger spawn of the Kardashian-Jenner clan recently modeling rock ‘n roll inspired Andrew Charles clothing for the 9th Annual Race to Erase MS event.

The only reason I’m writing about this is because I can’t get over how close they are to tumbling out of a roadside biker bar. Sixteen-year-old Kendall’s got a midriff-bearing baby tee and a pair of snakeskin jeans, while her younger sister’s basically wearing disco balls for pants. Why dress like it’s 2012 when you can dress like how the world was when you were barely out of utero?

Snooki and early-2000s Britney Spears would be proud. I think that says it all.

The famous Hidden Hills Keeping Up with the Kardashians home, which we saw for a good five seasons on-screen, was sold to an undisclosed TV producer, and has now pretty much been torn to the ground. That must have been a fun day.

The house’s new owner had the house taken apart and all the pieces donated to Habitat for Humanity, including the roof. This means that pieces of the Kardashians will be strewn across the country, a part of unsuspecting families’ homes, perhaps smelling of the faint hint of Kris Jenner's desperation and Kim Kardashian's fake eyelash glue.

In its place, the homeowner is building a modern, industrial house that won’t look like it came from Seventh Heaven. If he’s going for less wholesome vibes (HA!), he’s certainly succeeding. The only piece of the house he kept was the stripper pole. It is to become a coat rack. LOL.

The New York Daily News put on their detective caps and uncovered the identity of the second masseuse who accused John Travolta of exposing and touching himself while getting a massage in an Atlanta hotel room. And his name is also John! 40-year-old masseur John Truesdale, who is now represented by Gloria Allred, confirmed his involvement in the suit once confronted by reporters.

“I thought I was supposed to be anonymous,” he said. “The paparazzi are here for me? I can’t believe it.” (Really, though? In this day and age?) Truesdale is not allowed to talk about the case, but he filed a $2 million lawsuit earlier this month. In the suit, he claimed that Travolta stripped to his skivvies and humped the massage table, while also groping Truesdale’s upper thighs and grabbing his legs.

Wowza. Danny Zuko is in in deep. For selfish reasons, I really don’t want this to be true. I’d like to sing “You’re The One That I Want” without imagining John Travolta’s masturbation fantasies.

Photo: Wenn

Earlier this week, rumors started circulating that Raven Symone is a lesbian, and living with former America’s Next Top Model contestant, AzMarie Livingston. The actress/singer/Broadway star has finally responded, and she’ll neither confirm nor deny who she’s currently got sleeping in her bed and her vagina.

“My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I’m datings to know. I’m not one for a public display of my life,” she said on Twitter. “However that is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I’m not harming anyone.”

Yeah, it’s your right. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t curious. You could at least use this opportunity to talk about how sexuality is a spectrum blah blah blah and how you’re fluid and blah blah blah, but instead we’ll all just look at you and question why you’re so grumpy pants and scared of saying that you like girls (at least sometimes).

Dammit, we don’t care if you like pussy! We DO care when you get all defensive on us. What have you got to hide? So much shame! So many secrets! Now we really want to know.

Photo: Wenn

What did Karl Lagerfeld do without you, oh glossy-haired one? Eternal fashion favorite Blake Lively missed one of the largest fashion events of the year in order to hang out with her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds. Um, okay.

The Gossip Girl actress normally attends the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala, but skipped out for a much more low-key affair. Instead, she spent the night with Ryan’s family in Vancouver. The couple have been dating for seven months, and spent time in Napa Valley before jetting over to Canada to visit the Reynolds.

Some people might call this cute, but I call it kind of stupid. The Met is one night of people fawning all over you, in an avant garde dress you really couldn’t wear anywhere else. By skipping out, you’ve probably now got Anna Wintour out for blood. Try winning that battle.

Photo: Wenn

Russell Brand must be severing all ties with his ex-wife, because he doesn’t even want to be reminded of her on Twitter. The infamous playboy comedian has clicked the “unfollow” button next to Katy Perry’s name. Shocking! But not really.

Katy did the same for him right after they broke things off, but Russell waited until now to finally cut the virtual ties. Obviously, Katy has moved on with her new boy toy, Florence + the Machine guitarist Robert Ackroyd, and we think maybe Russell just doesn’t want to see his old number one happy, especially in the arms of another boo.

But it’s also just a good thing to unfollow someone when you break up with them, or they break up with you. Reading their Twitter feed is, like, looking into the depths of their soul. Or, you know, something akin to a murderous, masochistic endeavor that ends with you down a bottle of vodka, two hours of your time (spent reading inane updates), and half your dignity.

Jessica Simpson didn’t go the Beyonce and Jay-Z Blue Ivy route, but her and her baby daddy, Eric Johnson, are also not Beyonce and Jay Z. The something-or-another star brokered a deal with People magazine to sell them the first photos of her baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson, for $800,000. I guess it was in her stomach for long enough, she might as well profit off it!

This is much less money than celebrity babies have banked in the past, but from my POV, it’s still a lot of money for photos of a baby of two not-quite-that-famous people. Jessica already makes lots of moolah from her fashion empire, so it probably won’t make a dent in her wealth. Oh well.

But in addition to the sales from her baby photos, Jessica also signed a $4 million deal with Weight Watchers so that people everywhere can scrutinize the 40-plus pounds she has to lose in order to be skinny enough to be on the “after” side of a Weight Watchers ad. 

In her latest round of publicity for not-Twilight (aka Snow White and the Huntsman), Kristen Stewart covers the June issue of Elle magazine. And even though she looks marginally unhappy to be there, the interview portion is a wonderful and also slightly antagonistic treat. Ah, K-Stew.

When talking about her dislike for riding horses, which she had to do for the film, Kristen made it clear that she doesn’t like dominating things. She says,

"I hated it. I didn't take to the whole mentality of f**king ordering that thing around – 'Go now!' You have to be an @sshole, basically. Not to say that horse people are @ssholes to their horses. But you have to basically tell that thing who's boss, and I didn't want to do that. I was like, 'No, do your thing. I don't even want to be up here.'"

Then, when discussing how she regrets being homeschooled, she brings out even more F-bombs. And insists that she wishes she were a little more screwed up up and that life wasn’t so easy for her.

"Because I didn't go to f**king school – I feel I would have had a bit something extra if I had,” Kristen says,

“Maybe because my life is so f**king perfect, when I see the other side of life, it just seems like, almost like I want... You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, Why is everything so easy for me? I can't wait for something crazy to f**king happen to me. Just life. I want someone to f**k me over! Do you know what I mean?"

Eye-roll. 

Because this isn’t going away any time soon, you might as well learn all about Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian’s mess of a divorce proceeding. Kris is determined to bring the queen of the Kardashian trifecta to trial, even though she wants to settle things quietly. 

A friend of Kris says that he just wants the real truth about their marriage to come out, and will go to trial so that she’ll have to answer a lot of questions about their relationship under oath. “Kim and her lawyer are trying to bully Kris into a settlement and that isn’t going to happen,” the source says. “The only way that this case won’t go to trial is if Kim publicly apologizes to Kris and admits that she only married him for television ratings...Kris is ready to fight and he has said that Kim should ‘bring it on.’”

Wow! I just had the most brilliant idea! Kim really should “bring it on.” Cheerleader outfits will be involved, maybe a musical score. There will be some really epic dialogue that teenage girls will forever repeat when they want to turn the b!tch dial up. Might as well make this stuff entertaining, instead of super-repetitive.