Posts by Shortcake

Jessica Alba is featured in Vogue Italia’s April issue wearing some kinda creepy clothes and makeup.

The pregnant 29-year-old actress looks absolutely stunning in a new photo shoot by famed photographer Michelangelo di Battista for the magazine's April issue (via ZFashionBlog) -- sporting bangs and a short bob while modeling a collection of dark and sexy clothes.

Nevermind, not creepy, “dark and sexy.” Um… okay. Jessica’s beautiful when she looks natural. In these photos, she looks like Ke$ha and Lady Gaga had a baby together after a week long drinking binge.

Photos: Vogue Italia

Dianna Agron, Quinn from the show “Glee,” is reportedly dating Captain America star Chris Evans.

The two have been casually dating after first meeting at the Weinstein/Montblanc pre-Oscar party in February. “Chris’ brother Scott is a huge fan of her show, and he particularly loves Dianna,” says the insider to In Touch. “He and his friends like to joke that as long as she stays on the show, the family will welcome her with open arms!” 

Jeez, talk about pressure! What happens if she leaves the show? Nah, Captain America wouldn’t let that happen, especially not for hottie Diana. I wonder if she sings to him while they get it on... You know, break into song and start dancing to the Captain America theme song?

Just don’t get preggo yet, Diana. Poor Quinn has already had enough of that on Glee. Although...those would be some good-looking babies… YUM.

Oh, dear god. With the release of “Breaking Dawn”  fast approaching, speculation on the wedding gown Kristen Stewart’s Bella will wear has already begun. Photos from the official illustrated guide to the series have been released, and show illustrations of what might possibly end up being the gown.

I can’t believe there is this much fuss already over the next Twilight movie, let alone a dress that one of the characters will wear. Are fans seriously worried that the dress may not look exactly like it was described in the book? Well, then again, based on Stephanie Meyers’ writing, the description probably wasn’t that good to begin with, so the dress has got to be an improvement either way, right?

Picture: Entertainment Weekly

Kathy’s mother Maggie has just moved into an old folks’ home, where scandal erupted, thanks to the manor’s newsletter. It referred to Kathy’s New Year’s Eve appearance with Anderson Cooper, where she dropped f-bombs during the live broadcast. In a sarcastic tone, the newsletter said, “[Maggie] must be very proud.” Maggie wants some damage control, as she doesn’t want to be known as the mother of the daughter who desperately needs her mouth washed out with soap.

Kathy gets the idea to put on a talent show at the manor, and she promises her mother not to do any dirty stand-up. In lieu of stand-up, Maggie wants her daughter to sing a song. In accordance with her mother’s wishes, Kathy gets some vocal training from a Broadway conductor and Broadway star Kristin Chenowith. Despite the fact that Kathy did choir in high school (and even sang the old song “Shenandoah” as a solo), she’s no Kristin. Her voice is painful to hear, but the enthusiasm is there, jazz hands and all.

This week’s episode began with a shot of a graveyard and Kenny proclaiming more of his “Beast” sh*t. Unless his former sexual partners agree with him, he needs to shut up and just cook.

Congressman Aaron Shock was the guest judge for the Quickfire. Padma explains that all food served to members of congress must be hors d'oeuvres, as food can’t influence politicians working with lobbyists.

The Quickfire was to serve food on toothpicks (or in some cases, the kind of umbrella straws served with daiquiris, and those plastic swords that held maraschino cherries in the Shirley Temples I drank as a kid). Angelo won with a cucumber, shrimp, and cashew dish. For this, he gained immunity and a sweet $20,000.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs had to cook a power lunch at The Palm. The power lunch is a Washington tradition, where those politicians and lobbyists discuss fun topics like farm bills and EU exchange rates. The Palm has never handed over the kitchen to non-staff, so the contestants are extra-nervous. 

This week, Kathy works on several projects. She solves the mystery of her missing food, finds a new pet to replace her recently departed dog, and finally gets her home renovations finished.

Kathy Griffin first notices her candied malt balls are missing. Looking to solve the mystery, she sets up a nanny cam to find the culprit. We find out Tom, Kathy’s tour manager, has been eating Kathy’s food—Amstel Light, Kit Kat bars, a whole jar of peanut butter, among other stuff. He has conversations with Kathy and sings her songs in his druggy state, but has no recollection of any of it. But the most bizarre aspect of Tom’s behavior is his manner of dress—he wears gloves but no pants during his sleep snacking. (Side note: Kids, please don’t take Ambien. That sh*t is like a legal hallucinogenic, except it’s not the fun kind. And it makes you fat.)

Kathy, ever the helpful boss, hires a psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety issues. Tom has been previously diagnosed with trichotillomania (TTM), which is a fancy way of saying he has a hair-pulling habit. The therapist suggests

In this week’s Quickfire challenge, the chefs had to cook with odd proteins, from the more common fois gras to white duck kidneys (which are actually testicles). Other exotica included crocodile, emu eggs, and llama. The chefs drew knives to pick their order, the usual deal.

Halfway through though, the chefs have to switch and finish what their peers started. (It wouldn’t be Top Chef without unplanned collaboration!)

Kelly won the Quickfire with her emu egg omelet. Granted, the eggs looked difficult to work with, but unless the omelet was prepared with one hand tied behind her back (and this has happened on a previous season of Top Chef!), it’s a bit of a copout.

Chef Michelle Bernstein was the guest judge—she’s been on other seasons and is known to be harsh.

Kathy Griffin decides she needs to do something besides tell jokes at charity events. She admits that she bombs at the shows, as they’re too “stuffy.” Instead, she wants to get a public pap smear in front of a huge crowd on live television.

When Kathy tells her mother Maggie the news, Maggie is understandably horrified, saying, “That’s disgusting.” But hey, if your daughter is spreading her legs in front of you and cajoling you into taking a look, the positive message behind the Public Spreading gets lost.

Kathy’s secondary goal is to sell out three shows at Madison Square Garden. She has a book signing in New York and makes the usual TV appearances—Good Day New York, Wendy Williams, and Joy Behar. In the end, Kathy sells out all three shows at the Garden. We saw only a couple of minutes of the show, probably because it was all Bravo could get away with airing without incurring hefty FCC fines.

Before Kathy spreads for public, she meets with some cervical cancer survivors. One woman was told that she would never have children, and she was sitting on the couch holding her third baby. While the women aren’t terribly keen on Kathy’s methods of spreading awareness (pun intended), ultimately they support her way of raising cervical cancer awareness.

Before her vaginal debut, Kathy decides to get waxed and “vajazzled” (which is about as awful as it sounds.) The day comes, and Kathy shows up in a bikini and shows off her star-shaped vajazzled rhinestones on her vagina.

Kathy’s lack of self-consciousness was incredible. She was lucky to have the doctor performing the pap smear talk to Kathy through the actions, as this has been known to make female patients more comfortable. Ultimately pap smears are a quick and relatively painless process. One woman in the audience expressed that Kathy helped her learn more about her own body, as female pelvic health had never really been discussed in her family.

Despite Kathy’s unorthodox methods in spreading cervical cancer awareness (much like last week’s Washington hobnobbing), she ultimately affected positive change, her goal from the very beginning. It’s the sort of thing only Ms. Cut a Bitch could get away with.

Next week: Ambien sleep eating!

In his week’s quickfire challenge, the chefs had to make a pie. As usual, there was the usual “But I’m not a pastry chef!” and “Desserts? Nooo!” moaning.

Even if a Top Chef isn’t a pastry chef, should a Top Chef know how to make a basic pie crust? Absolutely. Though 90% of this challenge's purpose was to pimp out the upcoming “Top Chef: Just Desserts,” the challenge was a good opportunity to showcase the chef’s basic skills (or lack thereof).

Ed made a banana cream pie… with peanuts and celery foam. Not only did it look terrible, it sounded like something last week’s middle school students would’ve barfed up after lunch.

Kenny’s Bananas Foster pie won, which looked pretty darn tasty, as did Kelly’s chocolate ganache pie.

This week’s elimination challenge was to prepare picnic food for 150 Capital Hill interns. Each chef was given their own grill. It should’ve been easy enough, as plenty of non-chef folks hang out in parks and grill for summer holidays. But for the most part, none of the judges were pleased, especially Gail. “Step it up!” she said.

Arnold won with his lamb meatballs. He mused about interns and claimed, “I’ve never been anybody’s bitch.” Well, in his own mind anyway. In the kitchen there is a clear hierarchy—even Tom was somebody’s bitch at one point. If you’ve ever worked as a prep chef, line chef, and yes, SOUS CHEF, you’ve been somebody’s bitch. Arnold also earned demerit points for his relevant-in-1998-White-House-intern jokes.

Editor's note from Firecracker: I watched last week's episode of My Life on the D-List and I couldn't stop laughing. The show is hilarious enough where you clearly don't have to watch it in order to get a laugh, so I asked Special K to recap it for you. Enjoy.

On this week’s episode, Kathy Griffin continues her fake relationship with Levi Johnston a.k.a. Mr. Palin Inseminator. She visits him in Wasilla, Alaska before her show in Anchorage.

Levi gives her the full tour as she searches for Sarah Palin, which includes a trip to the mayor’s office and a surprise visit to Sarah’s house. (She wasn’t available.) Not surprisingly, Levi trails behind, probably afraid of the invisible electric fence the Palins have set up just for him. As they leave the Palin domain, we see their calling card: “Gone Fishin’”—just the first of many Alaskan stereotypes throughout the episode.

Levi’s house looks exactly like you would imagine: It’s full of wood panels and tons of dead animals on the walls. They go ice fishing for several hours and Kathy tells Mr. Inseminator, “I’m bored. Let’s have sex.” (Perhaps this was a reenactment of the Levi/Bristol conception?) Thankfully, the audience is spared the gory details.Not only does Kathy act like Levi’s fake girlfriend, she also becomes his Life Coach.

Kathy has a book signing, which Levi attends with her. She tells him how to deal with his burgeoning gay fan base, which has increased since his Playgirl spread, and lessons in graciousness. “Say ‘thank you’ and go to the next one.’”

Levi also takes Kathy to gay bar in Anchorage, as Kathy wanted to go to a place where she would feel most comfortable. Levi seems a bit uncomfortable with his surroundings at first, but he settles in, even proclaiming“I love the gays!” While his tone was not the most enthusiastic, it’s clear Kathy’s gay-friendly influence is working on him, perhaps as he realizes how ridiculous his life has become.

This week’s subplot involved Kathy’s assistant Tiffany, as Tiffany is on the lookout for her “caramel macchiato” dream man. They do a
“Bachelorette” type contest in a manly-Alaskan-man bar. Tiffany didn’t find her dream man, but a burly hunk of Alaskan man meat did win a white rose. The episode ends with a few clips from her Anchorage show, where she makes a few tasteful jokes at the Palin family’s expense.

Next week’s preview: Kathy hangs out with her mom.