OK, this is what we've been waiting for. Before tonight, aside from the (kinda dumb) gimmick of having the judges face away from the stage so that they can't see the singers, The Voice was basically a slightly hipper version of American Idol. Now that the best contestants have been chosen, it's time for the battle rounds, in which the singers go head-to-head, and the coaches make their final cuts, chopping their teams in half. This should be far more interesting than watching Paula Abdul Christina Aguilera attempt to hit on the male contestants while at the same time struggling valiantly to keep from falling out of her spinning chair.

The first battle for Christina's team was between Tarralynn Ramsey and Frenchie Davis, a match-up that Tarralynn says she saw coming because she and Frenchie are both "great singers," by which I'm sure she meant, "We're the only two black chicks on the team." Before the face-off, however, the contestants met with the celebrity coaches and the celebrity coaches' celebrity friends, because no one has ever become a great singer without talking to 500 famous people first. Christina and Aussie singer Sia coached Frenchie and Tarralynn through their rehearsals of "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" (a song that I'm sure was chosen because Beyonce is also a "great singer") and following a Don King-esque intro from Carson Daly, it was finally on. After a battle worthy of Rockys I-IV (this show really invites the boxing metaphors) Frenchie emerged victorious, shooting Tarralynn an awesome, final "Go home b!tch" look.

Next up was the battle Patrick Thomas (boring cowboy) and Tyler Robinson (gay Mormon). Coached by Blake Shelton and Reba McIntyre (this show kinda overdoes it with the star power) the mis-matched duo were asked to sing "Burning Love" by Elvis. Elvis is kinda country (he died on a gas station toilet) and kinda gay (dude wore a sequined cape) so the song selection made for an interesting battle. Alas, the gay Mormon brought about as much soul to his performance as you'd expect from a dude in a bow tie, and the cowboy rode to an easy victory. Cowboys 1, Gays 0. It was like the Bush/Kerry election all over again.
Next, Adam Levine chose Casey Weston and Tim Mahoney for a battle of young versus old, attractive versus vaguely potato-shaped. They sang "Leather and Lace" which, thanks to Google, I now know is a song by Don Henley and Stevie Nicks. Forget that thing I said earlier about The Voice being hipper than Idol. Obviously, this is a song for old haggard people, so 18 year-old Casey seemed to be at a disadvantage, but apparently, she exchanged throats with a 70 year-old chain smoker before the show. Casey triumphed over washed-up perennial loser Tim who was sent back to the midwest, presumably to wrap his lips around the tail pipe of a running car.