Because He's Hot

In honor of the new season of Mad Men premiering this Sunday night on AMC, I thought it was only fitting to make John Slattery my Because He's Hot guy. I haven't seen a single episode of Mad Men, despite enthusiastic suggestions from friends, but I've seen some of John's other work and I must say that I'm impressed with his face.

I'm not gonna lie, he doesn't make me weak in the knees, but he could just wink or snap his fingers and I'd be on my knees.

Because John, who has a few decades on me, gives me a reason to expand my definition of what "hot" is, he's this week's Because He's Hot guy... John is aging gracefully, but god damn, that black and white 'young' photo is hawt!

You know a guy has to be sexsay in order to take me outta Because He's Hot retirement, and Dave Franco is just that. Dave stars in 21 Jump Street (which is HILARIOUS, btw) alongside Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. Dave plays a drug dealer named Eric in the movie and his hotness was one of the most entertaining features of the film. In summary, dude had me excited the entire movie and I want to do awful things to him for a week straight.

Dave, 26, is James Franco's younger, and arguably hotter, brother. Dave isn't even on the tall side, but it didn't matter. His smile is perfect. His eyebrows are hot, and I usually don't care or pay attention to a guy's eyebrows. It's that serious! Like his brother, there's something exotic about his look. Dave is part Portugese, Swedish and Jewish, which explains it. I don't really know how to describe why Dave deserves to be a "Because He's Hot" guy in great detail, but I plan on watching 21 Jump Street again in order to find out. *Grabs towel and a tall glass of water. Checks pulse.

I don't know about y'all, but I would like to know what a Vatican assassin rockstar from Mars is like in bed. Furthermore, Charlie Sheen is a connoisseur of porn, and pornos can be very educational, so he's bound to give you a bitchin' good time. Plus whenever he's hitting it right, and if you like to give pointers in bed, you never have to say things like "Baby don't stop" or "That feels good." Nope. The only thing you ever need to say is "WINNING!" 

But on a serious note, Charlie Sheen used to actually be quite dapper. He isn't gorgeous, there was just something overtly sexy about him. Oh ya, I think it was his face.

But now that we know the man is legally insane, we also know that he is HIGHlarious! Sheen is the life of the party because, well, he is the damn party.

Charlie smokes cigarettes like a fish, basically ate several grams of cocaine for years, and has dipped his stick in many a hooker; it's surprising that one of his testicles hasn't detached itself and ran for its life while a passed out Sheen slept in an upscale hotel room. We "can't process his brain," or his resilience, and Sheen's invincible nature is kind of hot.

Charlie's head of hair also remains full while some men lose theirs around 23, or younger. There's some kind of fountain of douche from which he drinks from and he thrives upon its resources. His voice is shot, but he doesn't look too aged whenever he's cleaned up.

Married three times but currently legally "single," judging by the outdated slang he uses, Charles is stuck in the '90s. You can throw out the anti-wrinkle cream, ladies, cause Chuck will make you feel young again. Additionally, he has tiger jizz - the man has undeniable attributes! For all of these reasons we've made Charlie Sheen this week's Because He's Hot Guy. Duh, Happy April Fool's Day.

I wanted to break my streak of pretty boys, so Balthazar Getty is this week's Because He's Hot guy. Balthazar, with his patches of grey hair, can look older than he is, but he's actually a 36 year-old actor and heir to an oil fortune. So if any of you don't think the man is hawt, he's rich, it really doesn't matter.

Balthazar blurs the line between "sexy" and "handsome." I think he's both. He's one of the most f*ckable men on television, but if I have to be specific, he is definitely more handsome than sexy. Balthazar is famous for groping on Sienna Miller's A-cup during a vacation in Italy, while the father of four children was and still is currently married. But who are we to judge? That isn't our marriage anyway, we just wanna bone, yo!

I have a deep voice fetish and Balthazar has that. I also like that he doesn't try to cover up the scar in his right eyebrow where he's missing some hair. But let's be honest, it's his goddamn intense look and piercing stare that could cream the panties and manties of folks everywhere. He is one sexy beast. Lord knows this man has taken some bad pics, but I've watched Balthazar on Brothers & Sisters back when I used to catch every episode, and he looked good enough to eat in every scene.

When it comes to Australian celebrity chef Curtis Stone, you take one look at this 6'4 piece of man candy and the post writes itself. Not only is Curtis handsome, the man can cook! Nothing is sexier than a man or woman who can make dinner and then provide dessert afterwards. Hint hint.

At the age of 5, Curtis began cooking with his grandmother. Since then, he has cooked for top restaurants in Australia and London, written various books, and created a line of kitchenware. If you wanna know about what this chef is up to now, he currently co-hosts NBC's "America's Next Best Restaurant."

While competing on last season's "Celebrity Apprentice," where he made it to 4th place, a female contestant, who obviously had a huge crush on him, gave him hell. After her lust turned to unwarranted hatred, Curtis had to deal with the wrath of a hot chick who was pissed that he wouldn't service her with his almighty bone; and how could you blame her for wanting to tap dat a*s?!

When faced with adversity on Apprentice, Curtis took it all in stride and remained kind to everyone. It's actually very difficult to find photos of Stone where he's not grinning from ear to ear. For making women all over the world hungry when they're actually full, Curtis is this week's Because He's Hot guy. We want a sample of what he's cookin'!

Laz Alonso is the newest guy that can Energizer Bunny me all night long. If you don't recognize Laz, that's okay, because I don't either.

I was waiting for a movie to start in the theater when a promo for "Breakout Kings," a new show on AETV, came on the big screen. When Laz appeared, I wanted to clap like a seal because I found this week's Because He's Hot piece.  Laz is what lust at first big screen debut is all about. That smile, that smooth skin, that clean haircut... he'd be damn near perfect if he has an athlete's @ss too. Fingers crossed.

Laz's biggest role was playing one of the main characters, the jealous guy named Tsu'tey, in Avatar. He is Cuban and black and is bilingual in English and Spanish. This sexy piece has also appeared in some music videos and has won an Emmy for his participation in Budweiser's "Wassup" commercials. Remember those? 

Alonso has appeared in This Christmas, Fast & Furious, Jarhead, and more. He graduated from Howard University with a BBA in Marketing and had a lucrative career as an investment banker at Merrill Lynch on Wall Street. Pecs and brains? I'll take it! He is so spongeworthy that I'll just stop here and allow his photos to do the rest of the explaining.

I had two other men in mind for this week's Because He's Hot post. Then I watched last Monday's episode of Gossip Girl, and it was all over from there! Chace Crawford is the very definition of a pretty boy, but he has huge eyebrows and a really deep voice, so he's a manly pretty boy. Like a younger Bradley Pitt. We can live with that.

You know how you meet a cute guy at the bar and you take him to your place only to discover that he’s actually the Energizer Bunny? Next thing you know you’re trying to convince him that you’re way too tired. Or you've been in a relationship with your man for a really long time, ya know, like an entire month, and the person you used to want to ravage every other hour is trying to get some and you're like, 'It's 7 p.m. It's too late! I'M TIRED!' Well, it could be 5 a.m. and I could have a raging headache, fever, and an 8 a.m. doctor’s appointment and Chace would still never hear the word "no." When Chace is in the room, the only thing you need is a pulse, dammit!

Not only is Chace a sexy beast, he’s actually smart. After high school, he went to Pepperdine University where he studied broadcast journalism. After his mom encouraged him to pursue acting, he quit school his sophomore year before moving onto starring on Gossip Girl where he became friends with his British co-star, Ed Westwick.

Chace and Ed were actually living together in what one could only imagine was one of the most epic whore houses of the 21st century.

When Chace isn't acting, he's performing philanthropic, heroic acts. We don't hear much about Chace being in relationships, which means that his hooking up with chicks should be considered charity work. He makes me want to jump into the damn TV screen and get some rugburns.

When I decided to bring back "Because He's Hot" posts weeks ago, I knew that I wanted to feature Armie Hammer because he looked hot as hell in The Social Network. But when I tried to find sexy photos of him to post, I really had to do some digging because there's a major shortage.

Armie looks better on film than he does in still photographs, which is fine because our sex tape together is much more important than a Facebook photo. Sometimes ya gotta compromise.

Armie, who played the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network, is one hell of a sexy @ss b!tch. Like, literally. He's hotter than most of the chicks that I see everyday on the street. Then there's that voice of his: It's so deep, it's perfect.

There wasn't a single dude in The Social Network that I wouldn't take home - from Armie Hammer to Andrew Garfield to Timberlake... Sh!t, I even thought Jesse Eisenberg was adorable and that I wouldn't need drugs to be seduced by the short Latin student, Armie's BFF in the movie. He was cute too. But by playing characters who are 6'5 and actually being that same height in real life, Armie definitely stands out.
 
I don't even need to get into specifics because this man is specifically easy on the eyes. Armie looks like he could be a model, preferably a nude one, but you could easily picture him in an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. He's delish!

It's sexy chocolate time ladies! "Tall, dark, and handsome" is a cliche often wasted on men who are average, pale and attractive, however, when it comes to Idris Elba, "tall, dark, and handsome" is what he's all about.

Idris played Steve Carrell's boss on six episodes of The Office in 2009, and acted in The Takers that same year. Most recently he appeared in The Losers. His upcoming film named Thor, staring Natalie Portman and Anthony Hopkins, is in post-production.

You may remember Idris from starring alongside Beyonce in Obsessed. After taking one look at this man, it's not hard to figure out why Ali Larter's character went crazy, literally, for him. Ali played Idris' co-worker, and if Idris were my office co-worker, I'd find reasons to go into his office everyday and bend over. 'I think they cleaned the carpet yesterday. I wanna touch it.'

Elba was born in London and he's only 6'3, a little on the short side. He began working as a DJ before moving into acting. He has an ex-wife and a daughter, and he's also friends with Diddy and Ludacris. In 2007, People magazine named Idris one of the 100 Most Beautiful People in the World, which is bullsh!t. This piece of man candy is one of the sexiest!

The best way that I can justify why Adam deserves to be placed into this category is simple: Adam Levine is not a man, he is a God!

Adam Noah Levine is also not the most handsome man around, he is one of the sexiest. Adam is hot because he has swagger for days, and swagger trumps physical attractiveness. The definition of swagger, arguably, is sexiness.

Levine's horny fans love him because, well, have you heard this man's lyrics? Maroon 5's music becomes sexier by the album. Check out "Kiwi."

It's his energetic stage presence that also breaks hearts. Unlike many televised Maroon 5 performances, Adam is nothing short of brilliant on the electric guitar, which he plays throughout his shows. He's got soul, he knows how to dance, he claims to love to please and has boasted that he can go all night long... so I don't know where to stop here, because this man needs no explanation or introduction.

I remember a girl in school telling the class about her friend who was f*cking Adam, cause that is what higher education is all about - discussing who is having sex with whom. So my teacher walks into class the next day and lets everyone know that she did some research. She had typed Adam's name into Google and all that came up was "HOT! HOT! HOT!!!!" I rest my case.