If a chick walks around with her hair looking like this, you shouldn't get within a 3-yard radius of her snatch. Unluckily for some random San Jose, California fan, Britney Spears wrapped her legs around him and gave a lethargic "lap dance."

Britney Spears Lapdance

The reason why this wasn't sexy is because he didn't smell like bacon, which didn't motivate Brit Brit to give more face to face action.

If I had to name some of the least sexy pop stars of all time, Spears would be within my top five, right below Courtney Love and Tracy Chapman. When you have to borrow a stranger's phone to tell daddy you're coming home late when you wanna spend the night, you're practically begging a guy to suddenly say he has whiskey dick.

Britney Spears has done several things that could hint that she's part retard, but the 29 year-old mother of two seems generally fine to us.

Britney Spears' former manager Sam Lutfi filed a lawsuit against Britney and her parents and he wants Ms. Spears to testify. But Britney's overbearing parents are trying to convince folks that Ms. Spears is "mentally incapable" of testifying in court.

Sam knows this is bullsh!t, so his lawyers are demanding that Britney undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

Billboard reports: In the Ryan Seacrest interview, which was recorded approximately two months ago, Britney Spears is interviewed at length, and she responds logically and coherently to questions, evidencing logical thinking and mental competency. The edited interviews in the [MTV] video documentary also evidence coherent and logical thinking, responsiveness to questions, and mental competence.

If Britney took the stand and gave a damaging testimony, one that helps Sam win his lawsuit, who effing cares? If she loses her mind again, her parents' restrictions and her confined lifestyle will be the cause of it. 

Photo: Fame

Papa Spears is still controlling Britney Spears' life and it's much worse than we could have imagined. Reports surfaced that Britney, 29, can not own a cell phone, but now In Touch Weekly reports that there's more. Britney is on a tight budget, is not allowed to have a credit card, and she has to be accompanied by "a sober companion" whenever she's not with boyfriend Jason Trawick... Well, is the sober companion hot? She wouldn't ever have to look for someone to join her in the "1, 2, 3" threesome that she sings about.

“She isn’t allowed to have a cell phone, and she’s not allowed to take incoming calls to her home unless security screens them first. If she wants to make outgoing calls, security has to dial the numbers for her. She still has an allowance, and if she wants extra cash, she must submit a formal request…

The onetime party girl is “incredibly lonely,” says the insider.

Britney's sober companion also goes to the bathroom with her in restaurants or other public places to ensure that no one can slip her drugs.

Britney isn't the only one in prison. Jason is also trapped and Papa Spears keeps him on his payroll, as far as I'm concerned. I admire Britney for putting up with this sh!t and that is all.

Have you always wanted to meet Britney Spears, but were never able to amass enough corn dogs and Newports to bribe your way backstage? Well, you're in luck! Brit-Brit is planning to mingle with the commoners.

Britney's much-hyped "Femme Fatale" tour features a big bonus for fans willing to shell out $1000 for VIP tickets - they get to enjoy a meet and greet with Ms. Britney herself! Britney says she's been anxious for the opportunity to meet some of her biggest fans (Seems like she could've done that whenever she wanted and not charged them a grand for the privilege, but whatever.) and adds that she sees this tour as an opportunity to "reconnect" with her fans.

Love Britney or hate her, she's definitely going all out for this tour. Seems like she's taking a page from the Lady Gaga playbook with all this fan appreciation business, but that might be what it takes to pull off the big comeback she has planned. 

(Photos via WENN)

Britney Spears is attempting to re-conquer the world with her "Femme Fatale" tour, and since no one wants to shell out 75 bucks for a concert ticket just to see some beer-gutted hillbilly drunkenly slurring her way through "Oops...I Did It Again," Britney has instituted a strict backstage ban on all drugs, booze and junk food (aka, "Britney kryptonite"). 

The Sun reports that Britney has forced everyone working on the tour to abstain from intoxicants and "unhealthy" foods while they're in the presence of the Brit-Brit. So what foods qualify as unhealthy? Apparently, hot dogs, pizza, and cookie dough ice cream have all been expressly "blacklisted." I guess it's good that Brit's showing some discipline, but it's a bit sad that a grown woman can't be in the presence of cookie dough ice cream without flying into a sugar-fiend tantrum.

In addition to the junk food ban, Britney also requires constant Michael Jackson music in her dressing room. No one is quite sure why, but apparently Brit has become obsessed with Jacko in recent months. Well, it's good to hear that with all the pressure she's under, Britney is keeping a good head on her shoulders. After all, no one ever associated Michael Jackson with insanity and bizarre public behavior. Oh, wait... 

(Photos via WENN)

Three years after her public, paparazzi-documented meltdown (complete with hair-shaving and umbrella-thrusting, in case you've forgotten), Britney Spears will regain custody of her five- and four-year old sons Sean Preston and Jayden. They are set to accompany her and her boyfriend-agent Jason Trawick on her summer tour.

The pop princess says she is taking the boys on the road with her on the two-month North American leg of her Femme Fatale comeback tour from June. She has finally reached an amicable deal with ex-husband Kevin Federline.

K-Fed supposedly has no problems with sharing custody--the deal just needs to be court-approved--so it looks like things are on the up-and-up for Ms. Spears.

Though, if her kids are going to be on tour with her, I sincerely hope they invest in some good blindfolds and/or noise-cancellation headphones. Because no boy should ever have to see his mamma up-close-and-personal spreading her legs and making sexy pouts and singing about threesomes. At least until he’s psychologically prepared.

Photo: Wenn

Nicki Minaj will be Britney Spears' opening act on her upcoming tour! The deal was inked days ago and Britney is thrilled about it.

Minaj, who is on tour with Lil Wayne until the end of the month, currently has two singles on the Billboard Top 100 -- "Moment 4 Life" and "Did It On'em." Everyone connected with the concert series thinks Nicki will create even more heat for the tour, which kicks off on June 17 in Sacramento, CA.

We expect this tour to sell out!

Nicki is a much better choice than Enrique Iglesias was. Fans may actually show up early to watch Nicki instead of walking in just in time for Brit Brit to hit the stage.

Photos: Wenn

Even though Britney Spears left the Disney scene way back when, it seems like she's edging back in via Wizards of Waverly Place star Selena Gomez and her band.

Selena Gomez and the Scene have a track on their upcoming album called "Whiplash" that was co-written by Britney Spears.

Miss Britney isn't known for Taylor Swift-esque songwriting skills, but she has actually co-written two of her own singles, "Everytime" and "Me Against the Music," so I am excited to see how this turns out.

I do, however, think it would have made more sense if she wrote a song for Selena's ex-BFF Demi Lovato. That girl is in a little spot of cray-cray right now, something that Britney is way too familiar with. I mean, the closest Selena's gotten to insanity is when crazed Justin Bieber fangirls threatened to kill her over the internet. And it's hard to sound dark and edgy when your biggest demons are preteen girls wielding braces and acne.

Photos: Wenn

I'm going to go ahead and pull a Dr. Drew and diagnose someone with something simply because I'm an a-hole. After finally watching Britney Spears' "I Am Femme Fatale" MTV special yesterday, it became evident that Britney is horribly unhappy.

Britney of yesteryear was a jokester who liked to laugh, be goofy, smile, and keep her damn eyelids fully open while speaking. In contrast, today Britney seems unmotivated, exhausted, bored, sad, and lonely.

Britney's team controls everything around her. Although she's 29 years old, the pre-approved questions and answers that made it to air on "I Am Femme Fatale" gave viewers no new information about the popstar other than she looked awful and the poor girl needs a break. Britney has many people on her payroll and she's a puppet. However, the difference between Britney and other top-selling popstars is that they're allowed to use a damn cell phone and they don't have to date their agent, Jason Trawick, if they wanna get laid.

I don't know if the old Britney will ever re-emerge post-conservatorship, all I know is that I miss the Britney we all laughed our a*ses off during episodes of her reality show "Chaotic." That was Britney at her happiest - silly, fun loving, free to smoke weed with Daddy Dude, burp, and brag about how she's already f*cked 3x for the day, and that was just in the morning.

Spears is a true country bumpkin, not the overworked and sophisticated star that she's supposed to be. I think she feels trapped and she can't even fake it anymore.

When you're recording an interview for MTV, a network that has launched and championed your career for the past 15 years, and you can't even smile through it, something is seriously wrong. We blame all dem cheese grits Papa Spears been givin' his baby girl.

Britney Spears seems to have recovered from the bad case of the crazies she was suffering from a year ago. However, part of the reason she now seems to be relatively sane these days, may be that her team of handlers carefully monitors and controls her every move, to the point that they take away her cell phone when she gets out of line. Well, how else is she gonna learn?

In his new book, journalist Neil Strauss claims that he had daily contact with Brit-Brit for weeks after he interviewed her for Rolling Stone. Strauss says he and Britney became friends and even discussed the possibility of working on her autobiography together. Brit's team became suspicious, however, and Strauss says, "Her people took her cell phone away. They wanted to contol her." Brit apparently found a way to contact Strauss and apologize about the lack of contact, but shortly thereafter, her number was disconnected. Yup, a 29 year-old mother of two who isn't allowed to use a cell phone unsupervised. Well, if that's what it takes to keep her from texting with K-Fed, I guess it's a small price to pay. 

(Photo via WENN)