David Beckham
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Bend it like Beckham brings on a whole new meaning now that David Beckham's face will be featured on condoms.

We'll be seeing many more women carrying condoms if they have David Beckham's face on the packets. That way if you getting ready to bang a butta face dude, you can put a hot image of Beckham in your mind to help ease the pain.

David Beckham will soon be able to share lovemaking sessions with the hearthrob - his face features on a new range of condoms. Madrid, Spain's Thyssen-Bornemisza museum will start selling the prophylactics later this month as part of an exhibition called Tears of Eros.

Screw the condoms, bring on the David Beckham real doll! I'd find a way to save up the cash to purchase a Beckham-Bone-Me doll. It's perfect because you can get your sex on with him and put him away! And just think... No talking, farting, burping, ball scratching or arguing involved. My dream guy.

David Beckham and Victoria Beckham have had individual Armani underwear ad campaigns, but they've joined bodies for the fall 2009 Emporio Armani underwear campaign.

The pics were shot in Milan, where Armani is headquartered. David Beckham and Posh's photos will be featured in fashion mags and major billboards in New York, LA, London, Milan, Rome, Paris and Tokyo starting this month.

These pictures don't make me wanna watch a Beckham sex tape, and they should! Me thinks they look too much like mannequin robots. Posh looks like she's holding one in and Becks' face looks like he's trying to read a cue card but doesn't understand the words. Next.

David Beckham's new Armani ad debuted in London yesterday. Beckham's package drew a crowd of thousands. Fans also got to meet Becks at the Selfridges department store.

David Beckham's Armani ad looks like some metrosexual George of the Jungle shiz. His hair looks oily, his face looks scary and I dunno whether he'd spank me with that rope when he wants to. Suggestions: No rope, no hair grease, no boxers on the hips, just let the undies hang down from his teeth instead.

David Beckham takes his love for adventure to new heights Sunday with a bungee jump off a bridge in Auckland, New Zealand. The soccer star reportedly enjoyed the drop so much that he immediately headed up for second jump.

The Beckham family is moving back to Europe - at least for a few months, according to British reports.

David Beckham is close to finalizing a deal to play soccer for AC Milan for two months, beginning in January. "He will be a club player for a few months, and then leave," AC Milan club president, Adriano Galliani told the Daily Mail Wednesday.

Added AC Milan coach, Carlo Ancelotti: "For me, it would be a pleasure to have Beckham here. He is a serious athlete, a great professional. If he were available for months, we would be very happy."

It's unclear if Victoria and sons Brooklyn, 9; Romeo, 6; and Cruz, 3, would join David the entire time he's abroad. The boys are currently enrolled in school in California.

Beckham would return to L.A. by April 2009, in time for the L.A. Galaxy soccer season kick-off, the paper reports.

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British police have arrested a housekeeper for Victoria and David Beckham after treasured possessions belonging to the couple allegedly ended up on eBay.

"It has come as a terrible shock to Victoria and David. They have been told not to talk about it now because of legal action."

The stolen items, including Posh's dresses and David's sporting memorabilia, were stolen from their 24-acre English mansion and estate called "Beckingham Palace," located North of London in Sawbridgeworth, Hertfordshire.

The BBC reports that Eric Emmett, 55, and his wife June, 56, were busted on suspicion of theft and released on bail. A 25-year-old man was also arrested and released in connection to the crime.

Ebay says they're working with the po-po and they do not tolerate the sale of stolen items on its site.

Don't you just hate it when someone steals your shit?!!! It makes you feel dirty, like someone's greasy hands were all over your possessions. It feels surreal and it's very upsetting. But then to have your stuff posted for sale on eBay? Well, that just means these jerks are amateurs and should go to jail for a long time just as punishment for extreme stupidity and gross negligence of creativity.

I hope the Beckhams get their stuff back.

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Victoria Beckham knows how to get attention, doesn't she? Posh Spice and her Becks showed up at Macy's in NYC on Friday to promote their new fragrance. Victoria showed up in $6,000 Antonio Berardi PVC boots, and I am in so much pain just from looking at these pictures.

There's too much pressure being applied to the sole of Posh's feet. My body weight would not permit this. I would fall over and rip the boots right open. Lucky for Vicki, she prob doesn't weigh more than 102, so it works out.

I admire her dedication to fashion. Everytime I rock some stilletos or something way tight I tell myself 'beauty is pain'. In Posh' case, beauty is excruciating discomfort and awkward walking around. I almost want a pair so I can rock 'em while I'm drunk. I wouldn't get very far but I'd laugh hysterically each time I stood up then fell down again. Me thinks those boots alone = a complete Halloween costume.

There's a whole lotta sexiness goin' on up in here! The hat, the facial hair, the face, the arm muscles. All hail Becks! He hits newsstands August 12.

On being told he was too small to play soccer professionally:

As upset as I was at the time, it made me think, ‘I'm going to prove I can play football professionally.

On being famous:

There is this madness around me, around my family. Without a doubt, out on the field is where I'm most comfortable, where I'm happiest, because I know what I'm doing and I know I can do it.

On playing golf:

I used to play golf, quite a few years ago, but to be honest, I'd rather spend 4 hours with the kids than 4 hours on a golf course. As much as it can be relaxing, it's a frustrating sport. My way of relaxing is listening to music and spending time with the kids.

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Many are wondering if Becks stuffs his junk in the front. I, myself, have also participated in this debate, saying, 'Those pictures aren't real! It's Photoshop!' and the like.

I think the main reason why so many are saying that his penis has been enhanced in his Armani ads is because we don't want to believe that one of the most handsome men on the planet is well endowed, too. This world would seem much too cruel and Posh would have to, like, disappear forever.

But, here's the thing - I was thinking of David Beckham's pecker on Saturday, because that's what I do every Saturday, it's, like, more calming than meditation, and it occurred to me that to find the answer to one of the most important questions perplexing the straight female and gay male population worldwide, all I had to do was look within. Cue the violins.

The answer is very common sense, really. While it's uncertain how many inches David's packin', even if his photos are enhanced, it remains obvious that Dave has a large dick. Reason why? No man with a microscopic or even average size penis would agree to take all his clothes off and have pictures taken of him in his underwear for a major campaign.

And no man with David's status would take off his clothes, knowing his picture will be plastered everywhere, in his underwear if he knows he can't bring it.

Moral of the story, you should start thinking of David Beckham's penis on any given Saturday or while you're trying to fall asleep, while you're at the dentist, while you're baking a cake right after the dentist cause no one tells you not to eat sugar like they own your palate, and while you're having sex and can't climax. Great things will cum, I promise; and Becks is packin', baby,... and everyone lived happily ever after.

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