Tiger Woods' wifey Elin Nordegren told The Florida Highway Patrol that Tiger was drinking alcohol before he banged up his Escalade.

According to FHP documents, "Impairment of the driver is also suspected due to the careless driving that resulted in the traffic crash." Ultimately, the FHP's request for the blood sample was denied, on grounds of insufficient evidence to issue a subpoena.

Tiger Woods had also taken Ambien and Vicotin. The FHP determined that alcohol did not contribute to his car accident. Driving while bat sh*t wife chases you with a golf club is what may have led to Tiger's crash. It's not like Tiger's meds helped, either, but the FHP didn't test him. No 'under the influence' evidence exists on file.

Why are we all subjected to bare witness to this tragic career suicide? Every single day it just keeps getting worse!

Jesper Parnevik is taking some responsibility for Elin Nordegren's turmoil. Jesper spoke with The Golf Channel yesterday and said that he regrets hooking Elin up with Tiger Woods.

"I would be especially sad about it since I'm kind of -- I really feel sorry for Elin. Since me and my wife were at fault for hooking her up with him. We probably thought he was a better guy than he is. I would probably need to apologize to her."

Ellen worked for Jesper as a nanny in 2001. She married Tiger in 2004 and they have two kids: Sam, 2, and son Charlie, 10 months.

I still think that cheating is overrated. It's not the end of the world. I don't like that Jesper throws Tiger under the bus, either. I wish I could marry a billionaire, have two kids and discover he cheated on me. Elin is lucky. There, I said it.

Tiger Woods left a voicemail on Jaimee Grubbs phone while in a state of panic after his wifey went through his cell or his cell phone bill. Tiger tells Jaimee that she needs to remove her name from her phone so that Elin Woods won't discover that the number is attached to a female.

With all that fear and anxiety, Tiger doesn't sound as congested as he usually does. I love that he's basically all casual about it. His extremely wealthy cheating a*s can afford many cell phones. How did he slip up and allow Elin to get all up in his business like that? Sh*t, with his stacks, he can afford to pay as you go! Those "pay as you go" bills are too pricey for the everyday folk, but not for him. That is why women get away with cheating and men don't. We're just better at it.

The voicemail and transcript are after the jump.

Awwww. The art of being vague. When one leaves many gaps in a statement, the other party often walks away more confused than before. It's a beautiful thing.

From the days of having my parents ask me if I'm smoking or doing bad things, non-Christian things, whatever, and looking them dead in the eye and denying it, I think I could pull off some stunts and deny deny deny whatever it was I did, and with such Carrie Prejean-like conviction, that you'd think I was a saint.

On to Tiger Woods and his carefully worded statement posted on his website on Sunday:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

Sounds like Tiger is a sacrificial pussy-whipped idiot who's trying to avoid another beatdown from his "courageous" wife, Elin. What a dork.

Tiger Woods Swedish wife Elin Nordegren is a crazy b*tch who needs to be charged for domestic violence.

Elin allegedly lost her shiz over rumors that Tiger Woods was sexting and sexing Rachel Uchitel.

Tiger said that Erin confronted him about Rachel and an argument ensued. Erin then scratched his face up.

It was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV. Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

You all know the story by now. Tiger's SUV crashed into a fire hydrant and then hit a tree. Elin will forever look like a crazy a*s bitch now and I'm glad. She sucks!