Heidi Montag had several plastic surgery procedures and now she looks much older than she actually is. Heidi turned 25 years old on Thursday and she celebrated the occasion at Vanity nightclub in Las Vegas. The has been reality star was there with her husband, and they were charging guests $20 - $40 a head to join them! Ouch.

I guess it's inaccurate to say that they're on the D-list. I think they're on the F-list.

... Back to Heidi's face. Her eyeshadow matches her dress, but her skin is already brown, so it doesn't work. Then she loves the platinum blonde weaves that are too light for her skin tone. She's looking like Crystal Harris' sister these days and she's losing whatever hotness she once had. Twenty to forty bucks won't cover all of the upkeep Heidi's going to need to keep her watermelon tits from hitting her knees and her butt implants, back scoop, and lipo surgeries in check.

Photos: Fame

Spencer Pratt and his plastic wife are finally confessing their sings. Spencer and Heidi say that they mismanaged their money and that "everything" they were doing "in retrospect, was a mistake." They're finally maturing! I feel like a proud gossip blogging mama!

Spencer said that he will never try to stunt like he used to. "My whole million-dollar wardrobe—I would never wear that again. They’re props. We were buying props." He also made big purchases just for the show. "I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again."

He sold his truck last month for a whooping $5,500. OUCH!

Speidi also spent millions on Heidi's music career: Spencer estimated they spent $2 million hiring writers, producers, and engineers who worked with Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Lady Gaga.

Spencer and Heidi Montag are now living at his mommy and daddy's vacation house. He's well aware that his 15 minutes are ovah!

"The second we continued on our quest for fame was a mistake. This isn’t a business. That was the big thing I didn’t get: Reality TV is not a career. Anyone who says, ‘Oh, you can have a career in reality’—that is a lie."

The quote above makes me a little sad because people in the entertainment industry are always lying to aspiring up and comers or C-listers. Mike Sorrentino and pretty much everyone in Jersey Shore is going to be saying the same exact thing 2 or 3 years from now.

On whether they had ever split: Spencer: “No.” Heidi: “No.” Spencer: “Not for one minute.” Heidi: “We’ve never even been apart.”

On why Heidi should have saved her money: “I should have known growing up and not having any money ever that I should have kept every dollar that I had.”

On why Spencer was fired from The Hills - Producer Sara Mast wanted him to punch his sister, Stephanie Pratt!

Mast tried to get him to punch Stephanie. “Her exact quote: ‘That Snooki effect,’” Spencer said. “That’s when I snapped,” Spencer said.

Please, help me out here. I’m trying to figure out the level of Heidi Montag’s stupidity. Can she not count? Does she not know the difference between A.M. and P.M.? Or is she really just lacking any amount of common sense?

The poster girl for body dysmorphic disorder claims that she’s been working out fourteen hours a day for the past two months in order to get her 5’2” body down to 103 pounds. She tells Us Weekly, "I've been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I've been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape. And I was actually a lot overweight.”

So what was this horrific weight that motivated her to get off her lazy @ss and out of her pie binges? Um...130 pounds.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t constitute as “a lot overweight.” Especially when 10 to 15 pounds of it is probably boob anyway. But I’m not a doctor, so who am I to say that losing 27 pounds in two months and working out 14 hours a day isn’t healthy? Obviously, Heidi knows best.

Photos: Wenn

Crystal Harris isn't letting a little thing like her canceled wedding to Hugh Hefner keep her down. Instead, she's getting her party on in Vegas! Crystal told Radar Online, "I came to Vegas to hang out with my friends for the day. I wanted to get away from L.A. so I didn't have to think about the wedding."

While partying at Wet Republic, Crystal was spotted hanging out with Heidi Montag. Crystal's people must have flown Heidi out to teach Crystal how to whore herself out for fame instead of latching onto the ballsack of a geriatric man. I mean, Heidi does hang on to Spencer's tea bag, but he's not Depends bound like Hef.

Photos: WENN

Though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are pretty much conjoined at the hip, Heidi had to (temporarily) remove the cancerous growth that is her husband in order to film her new VH1 reality TV show, Famous Food. Sources say that the producers were determined to keep Pratt off the set from the first day onward.

Spencer wasn't allowed on the set, near the set, or to be involved in any way whatsoever--and not wanting bad blood...Heidi agreed to keep her man at bay.

I suppose VH1 is trying to keep their show classy and less headache-inducing, but it’s still a little unsettling. Heidi without Spencer is like Charlie Sheen without crazy eyes. Just plain weird.

Still, it looks like the show will be free of Montag-Pratt drama as Spencer has abided by the show's rules so far. I, however, half-feel like he lives by the Miley Cyrus credo and can’t be tamed. He’ll find a way to weasel himself into the tabloids no matter what--if there’s one thing he’s competent at, it’s that.

If you’re in Hollywood, and you think the air smells a bit more plasticky than normal, you’re not going crazy. Heidi Montag is back! The reality TV fame whore/failed pop star explained on Lopez Tonight why you haven’t seen her and husband Spencer Pratt staging any more pathetically earnest photo shoots around town in a long time.

"I needed a break after such a crazy six years of my life. And [from] being in L.A. and Hollywood…I've been with my puppies and my husband. It's low-key.”

So what’s Heidi going to do now that’s she’s decided to come back into the Tinseltown ring of fire? The ex-Hills cast member is starring in a new celeb-reality VH1 show called Famous Food, but her description of the show is probably more entertaining than the actual thing itself.

She reveals, “We started a restaurant...We are all potential owners or whatever. And at the end, maybe one person might get chosen to be a partner in the restaurant, and then maybe no one will get chosen.”

Sounds life-changing. Or whatever.

Photo: Wenn

Heidi Montag isn't done pimping herself out on reality TV and neither is Danielle Staub, Jake Pavelka or Juicy J and DJ Paul of Three Six Mafia. Oh yeah, lets not forget Ashley Dupre, the former prostitute linked to Eliot Spitzer.

A source on set said Heidi and the gang are working on a reality show in which the group is "revamping a restaurant from the ground up. They started shooting this past weekend."

Heidi and Danielle Staub better stay away from the grill or any other heated appliances or else they're gonna melt down like the wicked witch in the middle of making crème brûlée. This show could be a total catastrophe. I love it! 

[Photos Via WENN]

Heidi Montag makes a small cameo in the new movie 'Just Go With It' but was nowhere to be found during the New York City premiere Tuesday night. Heidi claims Jennifer Aniston banned her from attending the premiere because she's 'too polarizing.' Forget what you believe Heidi, it's because you're a fame whore!

"I'm so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I've ever been in and I can't walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was 'too polarizing.'"

Heidi should put a happy botox-injected smile on her face and just be thankful she was in the movie in the first place. Had she attended the premiere she would have figured out a way to make the premiere all about her, and I'm sure Spencer Pratt would be in tow.

Thank you Jennifer Aniston for putting a stop to the Speidi machine!

Because Heidi Montag has nothing else to talk about, she's still talking about the plastic surgery procedures that she had OVER A YEAR AGO. From what I can remember, Life & Style is the only magazine willing to pay Speidi for a story these days, considering that pretty much every Heidi and Spencer story is fake. Keep in mind that Life & Style also reported that Heidi was downsizing her fake breasts and that has yet to happen.

"Parts of my body definitely look worse than they did presurgery. This is not what I signed up for. The absolute worst is on my breasts, and the scariest is below my butt cheek. People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body."

Heidi's damage:

• A 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction

• Two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift

• A horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back

• Lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction

• A bright-red mark inside her right nostril

• Uneven boobs

• A stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job

This story isn't scaring anyone off from having plastic surgery cause people don't get that much work done in one day because they're not hoping to score magazine covers and TV interviews out of it! Plus most people don't have that much money to drop on surgery, so there's no value in Heidi talking about this, meanwhile her watermelon t!ts remain intact. Heidi should sell her breast and booty implants on eBay. You could glue a picture on top of 'em and make a cool looking frame for your wall. Martha Stewart, write this down!

The only way this could not be annoying is they also staged a fake funeral so that the world could rejoice in pictures of a giant tombstone with "Speidi" written on it.

Despite never actually getting divorced, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got re-married on Sunday. So, I guess they're "renewing their vows," which is something usually done by old people who have been married for 50 years, not by attention whores who have been married 2 years, and already had two friggin' weddings!!! God, I'm sick of these two.

Says Lord Douchington Spencer, "This time, it's just me and my bride on a secret little beach with nobody else and it's just about her. Versus last time it was about everything else. It was about drama, it was about ratings." Uh-huh. It wouldn't also happen to be about desperately trying to stay in the spotlight, like everything else you've done in your life, would it? Hey, I have an idea. If you guys like "secret little beaches" where it's just the two of you so much, why don't you go to some secluded island somewhere and never leave it, ever?

Spencer also discussed the fact that he and Heidi are officially broke-@sses, because you can't have a little private wedding without doing a bunch of interviews first. That would just be stupid! Spencer says he "hates fame" (riiiight), but "loves money" (duh), so for him, becoming a fame whore was just a quick and easy way to make a disgusting amount of cash and then blow it all on turning his wife into Frankenstein. So, now that they're bankrupt, we can expect to see a lot more of Heidi and Spencer's desperate attempts to remain relevant. Excuse me while I go look up "painless suicide" on Google.