The holidays are over, there's about 18 feet of snow on the ground where I live, and I'm pretty sure those birds dropping out of the sky are the first sign of the end of the world. I didn't think anything could snap me out of my winter blahs until I saw Snooki shoving a giant stuffed alligator into her trunk while wearing 4-inch heeled hooker boots. That's when I realized: Not only is Jersey Shore back, but it's back with a new greasy orange ball of guido trashiness who threatens to spread a wave of venereal disease along the New Jersey coastline that will make the Gulf oil spill look like a day at the beach. In other words, Deena Nicole Cortese is the second sign of the apocalypse.

"Deena is like another Snooki. She loves to party; she loves to be loud and obnoxious, she doesn't give a f*ck about what anyone thinks. Hello, that's me." That's right Deena is like Snooki, only more so. She's sluttier, stupider, and you'd have to be twice as drunk to consider having sex with her (so, you'd have to be comatose). Obviously, the producers of Jersey Shore were concerned there would be a lack of drama without Angelina on the show this season, so they went into a lab and created the worst Franken-skank monster the world has seen since Anna Nicole Smith.

Before Deena can get her insane on, though, we get to catch up with the rest of the roommates: JWoww's having Tom problems. No big surprise there, since he's currently suing her. Pauly D's mom lives in the most ghetto apartment in Rhode Island, for some reason. The Situation is still a douche (I bet he pretends he's talking to the Jersey Shore confessional camera in the mirror every morning). Vinny's keeping up his reputation as the house nerd by being all worried about his shampoo. And, of course, Ronnie and Sammi are up to some bullsh!t so boring that Snooki looked she forgot they exist for a second.

Before she and Snickers even get to the Shore, Deena's skanky-sense is already tingling at the mention of Ronnie's faux-hawk. "You never know what'll happen when you put a little cherry vodka into Deena Nicole," she says. Holy jeez. Either she was made for this show, or this chick is one hell of an actress. 

Ronnie and Sammi are the first to arrive in the house, probably because they were sick of sitting at home watching paint dry and occasionally swearing at each other. "I can smell the fake tans and hair gel already," Ronnie says when they pull up. I'm pretty sure you're just smelling yourself, Ron, but good line, anyway. On the drive, Sammi said something about hoping JWoww has implant cancer or some sh!t, so who do ya think was next to walk in the door?

Jenni "Jwoww" Farley is not shy about the fact that she's had a lot of work done to acquire her cartoonish figure. JWoww spent a lot of money and a lot of time under the knife in order to look like some gross combination of Jessica Rabbit and a middle-aged biker bar skank, and she dresses like a 10 buck-a-BJ hooker so that the world can see the results. According to her ex-boyfriend Tom Lippolis, however, Jeni wasn't always the smooth-skinned huge-boobed robo-ho we all know today.

Tom is in possession of nude photos that Jenni took before her liposuction and second boob job, and he says the reason J-Weezy is so anxious to bury the pics is that they show a very different J-Bod from the one we're used to. "Before she had her second breast augmentation, she was uneven, scarred, deformed and had tons of cellulite," Lippolis said in a recent interview. Well I guess that explains why Jenni, who has no problem going out in public in little more than pasties and a g-string is so worried about her booby pics going public.

The funny thing is, Tom claims he had no intention of selling the photos until Jenni started withholding money that he says he earned as her manager. This story is especially fun because as the courtroom drama unfolds, we get to watch Jenni and Tom's relationship disintegrate on the new season of Jersey Shore. Yay, overexposure!

JWoww's breasts are as real as her hair extensions and she makes sure that she gets her money's worth outta those fake girls. The Jersey Shore star turned down an offer to pose for Playboy and we're still trying to figure out why. She pretty much strips down to nothing everytime she walks outside!

JWoww, Sammi Giancola, Snooki, Deena Nicole Cortese and crew co-hosted MTV's New Year's Eve special where Jenni actually didn't even want to wear a blazer, a source tells Us Weekly.

I can't hate. JWoww looks sexy and she owns it. I like confidence. Go 'head now whore!

Like many "celebrities" without talent, the only thing worth admiring about Sammi Giancola is her looks. She is officially the hottest girl in the Jersey Shore house, which isn't exactly saying much, but the woman is undeniably hot. Unlike JWoww, who looks like she's hooked on roids, has breast implants and wears hair extensions, Sammi comes all natural.

Anyway, Deena Nicole Cortese is sucking in that gut of hers to the point where she looks like she's about to topple over. Nicole Polizzi isn't as cute as she was during season 1, and the boys look the same. Notice how Ronnie's dumbness manages to shine through even in still photos? I love it.

Photos courtesy of MTV

First, she taught you how to land a husband, now she's gonna help you look skankier than ever! I think she has the order backwards on that.

If you've been thinking of getting injected with something to make yourself more attractive to greasy, over-tanned gym rats, you can now do it for cheaper, just by dropping Jenni "JWoww" Farley's name. J-Wizzle announced on her website today that she is so happy with the fake ta-tas she received from New York plastic surgeon Stephen Greenburg, that she wants all of her fans to get risky, unnecessary operations, too!

Jenni gushes about Doc Greenburg and her own massive rack on her site and promises fans, "If you say JWoww referred you, you will receive a free consultation and a discount on any procedure you get done as a result." That's right, the offer's good not only on breast implants, but on nose jobs, tummy tucks, and even a Snooki-inspired procedure called a reverse liposuction, where they pump you full of fat, instead of sucking it out. OK, I made that last one up.

When asked recently if she thinks she may have gone overboard with the breast enlargement, JWoww defended her giant lady lumps to the death, saying, "They look big, but I have such a wide upper frame that they actually are in proportion." It's cool that she's happy with the work she's had done, but trying to convince us her boobs are a normal size? She knows we can see her, right?

I'm peeing myself in excitement for the upcoming season of Jersey Shore. Just in time for Christmas, MTV blesses us with a promo! It's all the trashtastic entertainment you know and love from those crazy Shore kids, and it's only fitting that Sammi and Jenni JWoww Farley got into another cat fight when Sammi was actually arguing with the new house member Deena Nicole Cortese! Chick drama is so hot.

Mike Sorrentino is still getting into sticky situations with grenades, and Vinny has found himself a vuvuzela, which Pauly D declared is the "grenade whistle." I'm totally stoked to watch how the whole drunken nuisance Snooki plays out after she does a face plant on the beach that she couldn't find.

Is there anything else that could possibly make you want to watch the new season? I'm stoked!

Do you have massive fake jugs and a voice like drunk sandpaper, yet still can't find Mr. Right? Well, you're in luck, because the queen of class, Jenni JWoww Farley, has written a book designed to help you trap the juicehead gorilla of your dreams.

Yep, I just used the words "JWoww" and "book" in the same sentence. And no, I haven't been hitting Miley's salvia. J-Weezy can apparently put letters together to make words, and she's using those words to dispense romantic advice and probably a few tips for treating crabs to her lovelorn fans. Hey, if you can't get help with your dating life from six feet of tan, greasy silicone, where can you get it?

Set to hit bookstores this February, The Rules According to JWoww is being billed as Jenni's answer to The Rules, the 1995 single chicks bible that helped thousands of girls trick unsuspecting guys into getting them pregnant. The only major difference is that the women responsible for that book probably weren't getting sued by their exes and hammered on Long Island iced teas at the time that they wrote it. Oh, and they probably weren't dishing out pearls like these: "Learn to spot a man whore a mile away," "Bust his balls a little," and the classic, "Hair belongs on your head, nowhere else."

Hmmm...I do appreciate a chick who keeps her lady bits clean-shaven. And I tend to like girls more when they don't put up with my crap. Oh my god, JWoww does know the secret to getting a dude to settle down. I'm suddenly filled with the desire to move to New Jersey, find myself an orange tower of skank, and start breeding the next generation of douche bags. Damn you, JWoww!

Seems like Jenni "JWoww" Farley probably should've taken the cash Playboy offered her to strip down. Half the men on the East Coast have already seen her naked, anyway, and now it looks like nude photos of the Jersey Shore star might soon be hitting the intrawebs without J-Weezy cashing in first.

JWoww is currently being sued by her ex-boyfriend Tom (who had a brief, douchey appearance on the show last season) and apparently there's more at stake than just money. Amazingly, Tom's case isn't total BS and Jenni is cool with paying him the $350,000 she owes him for services he performed as her business manager, thus making this the first time in history that a reality star was sued by an ex for legitimate reasons. Before she makes with the cash, however, JWoww wants something in return: her boobie pics.

TMZ has obtained a a copy of a letter sent to Tom by Jenni's attorney demanding the return of "certain photos of her that may be derogatory to her image and in violation of her contract with MTV." Hmmm...I wonder how these pictures could violate her contract with MTV. Maybe she's watching VH1 in them? No, a source close to the case says the photos in question leave "little to the imagination." Since everything JWoww wears leaves little to the imagination, I can only assume that in these pics, she's fully naked and performing unspeakable acts with some kind of large bird.

JWoww was spotted poolside in Los Angeles in a white bikini that she had to keep tugging on. If the girls are big, you should have straps on your damn top.

Jenni Farley looks ridiculous. She's so done up for a day of sunbathing: Big a@s earrings, hair did, makeup, really? Does her makeup have SPF in it cause that's gonna mess with her tanning. Actually, this must have been staged. Silly me. Deena Nicole Cortese's new roommate should lay off doing the T in GTL cause she's already looking pretty haggard. Oh, and I drew in her belly button. There's an app for that.

This is the same b!tch who puts tape on her nipples and basically goes clubbing topless. So what did JWoww do on Christmas day for sluts?  She covered herself up!

Jenni "JWoww" Farley was a slutty school girl on Halloween. I thought she'd put dental floss between her butt cheeks and tape on those nips and snatch and, ya know, not dress up as anything at all just cause that's how she looks when she rolls to the club. Halloween is God's gift to whores and every slut should put the day to proper use.