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Jersey Shore Recap: Pauly D Has A Stalker, JWoww and Roger Have Problems

poponthepop@gmail.com (Lil Payne) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:27:22 EST

"We're pretty much finding out who the real troublemaker is and it's...Snooki!" The Situation started last night's episode of Jersey Shore by saying that with a straight face. Yes, the girl who's main priority this season is keeping her relationship intact while Mike tries to destroy it is definitely the one causing problems in the house. That pantsless, drunken tirade Mike went on last week must have been carefully edited to make him look like the sociopathic lunatic.

After basically accusing Snooki of being the tanned lovechild of Lucifer and Newt Gingrich, Mike gets on the duck phone to start trying to destroy her. He and The Unit talk for a few minutes about Deena's sister's sex life, and I guess we'll have to wait for the uncensored DVD to know what the hell they said, because the entire conversation was bleeped out. Anyway, Mike seemed to have gotten the info he needed, so it's time to teach that b!tch a lesson about stirring up unnecessary drama! Or something...

As proof of what an evil devil woman she is, Snooki wakes Mike up to invite him to go out. He declines and everyone else hits the town for the same Seaside clubbing we've seen roughly 4,000 times at this point. The highlight was definitely JWoww's weird, depressed attempt to do The Robot. The Snooki vs. Sitch conflict is certainly the best part of this season so far, but the escalating war between JWoww and Roger has now taken second place in terms of weird drama. We know that these two are still dating in real life, yet we watch them play weird head games with each other with the expectation that they'll break up any minute. Who knew Jenni was the type to tolerate this kind of sh!t?

Quick sidenote: Vinny getting shot down by a lesbian and then effortlessly banging another chick who freakin' followed him home demonstrates why the public is beginning to lose interest in this show. It's reached the point where these guys have to put literally zero effort into getting laid. They're famous millionaires being followed around some Jersey tourist town by an MTV camera crew. Given that situation, John Goodman would be knee deep in willing turnpike trim. Anyway, back to the episode...

"Daytime altogether is so f*cking annoying, like...go away" says a hungover Snooki the next morning. "In Arkansas it's dark, like, all the time." I'm starting to think they're feeding her these lines, but it's still hilarious. On a serious note, Jenni finally flips out on Roger and she lets him have it like a woman who's been planning this rant for weeks. J-Weezy's got a temper, but yet again, she gives Roger another chance, from which we can assume dude lays some serious pipe. The type of pipe a girl can't find just anywhere.

Snooki and Deena bounce from work repeatedly to get hammered (see my earlier sidenote about how these kids aren't living real lives anymore) and somehow end up getting hammered in the presence of Mike, who remains staunchly anti-meatball. Meanwhile, Pauly is on the run from a full-blown stalker. Not a mildly clingy girl, like that Jewish chick from the first season, but an actual stalker who probably carries a lock of his blow-out in her purse. I get the feeling we'll see this chick on the news soon.

More interesting than that, however, is that Mike's older brother is banging Deena's older sister and things appear to be getting serious. So naturally, Mike has to try and f*ck things up. "I want it to continue to go so I can dig up more dirt and have more fun," Mike says, confirming his place as the biggest d-bag in reality TV history. It's good to have him around, since a-holes like Mike and Roger are necessary to breathe some life into this season. Then again, all the dickhead antics in the world can't hold a candle to the sight of Snooki conversing with a rabbit mask in hooker makeup. That was pure comic gold.

Snooki, JWoww Spin-Off: Filming Starts Next Month In Jersey City!

poponthepop@gmail.com (Lil Payne) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:00:17 EST

Good thing those rumors about Snooki being pregnant turned out to be false, because our favorite oompa-loompa is gonna need to be in prime drinking form next month. Snickers and her surgically enhanced bff JWoww are headed to Jersey City to begin filming their as yet untitled Jersey Shore spin-off.

The girls were initially headed for Hoboken, until officials from that city decided they were better off without a 4 foot stump of drunken, half-naked chaos running through their streets. (What were they thinking?) With filming permits denied, the girls and MTV regrouped and found a suitable living place in J-City where the ladies' longtime boyfriends Jionni and Roger will presumably be regular houseguests. It'll be just like Laverne and Shirley...but with chlamydia.

No word on when a new season of Jersey Shore will begin filming, but in the meantime, the castmates remain busy. Pauly D's DJ-centered spin-off, The Pauly D Project, will begin airing on MTV March 29.

Jersey Shore Recap: The Situation Confrontation

poponthepop@gmail.com (Lil Payne) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:47:13 EST

"I got my boyfriend back," came the triumphant shout from Pauly D at the start of last night's Jersey Shore. "I got the smush room tonight!" And with that, the gay innuendo between Pauly and Vinny went from playful joke between friends to two passionate guidos outing themselves in front of a national TV audience. But the leathery lovers managed to keep their hands of one another long enough to hit the club with their roommates in celebration of Vin's return to the house. As a reminder of what he was missing out on her, Snooki literally peed herself in public. Welcome home, bro!

The hard times continue for Team Meatball the next morning, as Deena gives herself an electric shock trying to repair yet another extension mishap (What the hell is this chick doing to her hair at the club?), and Snooki braces for more bladder control problems by doubling up on underwear. Man, is anyone else, like, crazy turned on by these girls? But some minor head and crotch problems aren't enough to keep these girls from a Sunday fun day bender. The whole crew hits the boardwalk, where Snooki determines that she has a UTI (clarifying that that does not stand for "Ultimate Tanning Institute") and prescribes herself 40 shots of tequila for the pain. Makes sense.

There's a new phenomenon afoot this season in which Mike splinters off from the group to hang with townie hangers-on whenever possible. Last night Sitch decided to open up about his new habit to an epically wasted Deena and Snooki. "I feel like there's certain people that like to gang up and talk sh!t behind my back," adding that he thinks the guys in the house are conspiring against him, and pretending that he's done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder. At this point, Mike has decided he's the most persecuted good guy since Jesus, and he plans to do something about it. "Here comes The Situation...and you're not gonna like it," he threatens. This should end well.

After some more talk about Snooki's bladder and an unfortunate glimpse of Mike's pubes, Snooks and The Sitch decide to finally try and patch things up. At first, it looked like bad news for everyone who was hoping the return of Psycho Mike might liven up what's thus far been a pretty boring season of Shore. Fortunately, dude quickly worked himself up into a drunken hissy fit, and as his pants dropped, his voice rose, until he was basically screaming at his roommates about nothing in particular with his dick hanging out. Good to have you back to full strength, you lunatic a-hole.

After some more passive-aggressive weirdness between Mike and the guys in the house (dude should get emotional drunk every week) Team Meatball decides to inject some fun into the episode by trotting out the bunny costume. "Snooki as a super sex-crazy bunny...scary," concludes Pauly. Not nearly as scary as the fact that cheap laughs at drunken Snooki have provided this season's most entertaining moments so far. Although, the game "Warm Beer" that left her looking like a coal miner definitely delivered the LOLs.

The episode wraps up with a visit from Snooki's dad (who's subjected to still more bladder talk) and a Roger sighting by Mike. Roger has been avoiding JWoww for most of the season, much as he did the last time they were in Jersey. Jenni doesn't seem like the type to put up with that sort of treatment, but amazingly, she and Roger are still together in real time. At this point I'm hoping they continue to stick it out and deteriorate into the new Ronnie and Sammi - anything to bring some freakin' drama to this season!

John "The Unit" Manfre Pleads Not Guilty to Drug Possession Charges

onthepopmail@yahoo.com (Firecracker) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:53:58 EST

Mike Sorrentino's better looking clone, Johnny "The Unit" Manfre plead not guilty today in a New Jersey courtroom. Manfre says that he was not in possession of a powerful horse tranquilizer when he was arrested last year.

Johnny was arrested in July for possession of a controlled substance called Ketamine, which is a horse tranquilizer.

Johnny's lawyer argues that "there were some issues" regarding John Douchey's "constitutional Rights"

"We actually entered the not guilty plea because we believe that based on those issues, John is not guilty." The Unit's lawyer says that he and the Jersey Shore Z-Lister "expect a very favorable outcome."

Sucks to have to spend your money on attorney fees, though. Now that's a bad situation!

Jersey Shore Recap: Vinny Comes Home and Sammi Fights!

poponthepop@gmail.com (Lil Payne) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:06:22 EST

When the random dude who makes millions running "the Jersey Shore t-shirt store" pays an unannounced visit to the house, you know he's there to stir up drama. But because we're supposed to forget that everyone involved with this show is making ungodly bank, he's just there to play pissed off boss/landlord. He's pissed that Vinny and The Situation went AWOL and he's fixin' to replace them, dammit! Of course, MTV would never, in a million years let some Jersey rando who sells wife beaters on the boardwalk for a living pick new castmembers for the network's most popular show, but the trick actually works and the guidos are convinced they're about to be saddled with new roommates.

But then, as if on cue, Mike returns to the house explaining that "Cancers are very sensitive people" to the interest of absolutely no one. Sigh, I was looking forward to a new house douche bag. Vinny, however, is a different story. The roommates call asking him to come home for Mike and Pauly D's surprise birthday party, but Vin politely declines. See, Vinny is the anti-Situation. People actually like him and want him to come home and he didn't leave as desperate cry for attention - dude really wanted to leave. Fortunately, everything the Shore whores do is tabloid fodder, so we already know Vin comes home eventually (maybe even *SPOILER ALERT* later tonight).

Next, in what feels like the opening scene in a snuff film, the girls meet up with some intensely creepy stripper pimp who helps them set up for Mike and Pauly's party and resists the urge to fill his trunk with Meatballs. But while a Jersey stripper pimp is pretty scary, even scarier is what's happening at the Shore Store - the search for a new roommate has begun! Because they're millionaires who have no real fear of being fired from a t-shirt shop, JWoww rips down Danny's "Help Wanted" sign to discourage further inquiries. She could've just shown every applicant footage of Snooki and Deena dry-humping each other in bunny costumes, which is something that seriously happened last night.

After all the drama, it's finally surprise party time. Shockingly, Pauly and The Sitch are not hard to surprise. "I got cakes, I got strippers...this is the best day of my life," says Pauly. Mike on the other hand can't be cheered up even by those incredible circumstances. He somehow manages to bring one of the strippers home, but chooses not to bang her because of some heated argument about matching socks. I'm beginning to think there's something to this "gay Situation" theory.

So we've already seen murderous pimps, humping bunnies and some unlikely sock drama, but this isn't one of those episodes that lumps all the good stuff into the first half hour. No, the real highlights are yet to come, including one of the most unexpectedly awesome scenes in the illustrious history of Jersey Shore...

Sammi fight! Yes, Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola in a fight. Not an emotionally abusive screaming match with Ron, mind you, but an actual, all-out, rolling around on the floor throwdown with another girl. "I was always taught to self-defend myself," Sammi says retardedly, explaining that some b!tch pulled her weave, so she knocked the ho out. It was the first good Shore fight of the season and the first time the guidos took their psychotic violent impulses out on society since before they left Italy. I finally feel like they're home. *tear*

Apparently, the guidos were feeling just as nostalgic, because the next day, they pile into the Escalade and head for Staten Island in hopes of convincing Vinny to come home. There's no answer at the front door, but this is Staten Island, after all, so they think nothing of breaking in. Fortunately, they find Vin inside, and though he's oddly quiet and zen-like, he's touched by the gesture and agrees to come home. His mother cries like he's headed for Iraq, because Italians are weird like that, but Vin gets into the car with a triumphant, "I'm trying to get laid tonight!" We've missed you, sir.

JWoww and Roger: Still Together

onthepopmail@yahoo.com (Firecracker) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 19:35:12 EST

Love is blind! Roger and JWoww are still together and Roger was looking like the prettier of the two when Jenni hosted an event at Harrah's Resort in Atlantic City on Saturday. Jenni is looking like a greasy, pasty guidette! We thought this woman was all about rockin' the bronzed skin and not looking like you could fry bacon on her forehead?

JWoww used to be the sexiest Jersey Shore star. Sammi Giancola was the most naturally hot housemate, and then she revealed that she's certifiably crazy. Deena Cortese was never in the running, and Snooki, the little midget that could, had a drastic makeover, making her the hottest b!tch in Seaside NJ these days. Snooki could teach Jenni a few things.

Photos: Fame/ Flynet

Snooki Skinny Pictures: Lookin' Good!

onthepopmail@yahoo.com (Firecracker) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 01:19:51 EST

Snooki looks freakin' AMAZING these days! I seriously can not get enough of hot skinny Snooki! Nicole Polizzi has transformed right in front of our eyes. Who knew Jersey Shore's biggest star was this hawt?!

Damn woman. Just damn. Nicole said that she looked awful on earlier seasons of Jersey Shore. Seeing herself on TV, plus the 10 pounds the camera adds to her 4'9 frame, made the hilarious guidette want to slim down, and that she has! Snooki wanted to reach her goal weight of 98 lbs, and she did. While there's speculation that Nicole has been popping diet pills, and her weight has fluctuated a bit over the past few months, based upon her FB and Twitter updates, it's obvious that Snooks is determined to keep the weight off. She's loving her new look. Can you blame her?

Photos: Facebook

Jersey Shore Recap: Birthday Blow-Outs, The Situation Does The Dip

poponthepop@gmail.com (Lil Payne) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:44:20 EST

There's been a lot of speculation lately about Vinny Guadagnino and Pauly D being gay guido lovers (GGLs). I initially dismissed it, thinking the guys were just caught up in the throes of a passionate bromance, but after seeing Pauly descend into full Shakespearean tragedy mode after Vinny left the house on last night's episode of Jersey Shore, I'm beginning to think these two might be smearing their fake tans on one another's private parts.

Even weirder were the reactions from Deena ("I love him!") and Jionni (asking Snooki, "Do you love him?!"). Relax, guys. Vinny's cool, but he's not Ferris freakin' Bueller. There are worse things than one of your friends heading back to Staten Island a few weeks ahead of schedule. Vinny's family has an equally dramatic reaction to his return home, but because his mom is the old-school, loving Italian type, she welcomes him with open arms, instead of smacking him for quitting the world's easiest seven-figure job.

Fortunately, Snooki is around to keep things perspective. "Let's just get wastey pants," she says, coining my new favorite term for getting hammered. Before noon, the Meatballs are humping each other on top of the bar and doing body shots with Deena's surprisingly non-hideous sister. Despite stumbling to a cab while the sun is still up, Snooki is somehow back out that night swilling vodka and attempting to break dance, which leads me to believe she's somehow grown a second liver.

The whole crew heads out for round three and Snooki has somehow sobered up yet again. She's soon in need of a serious Cuervo infusion, though, as The Situation's d-bag friend The Unit is (as always) hanging out at Karma waiting to make her life miserable. Why is this dude suddenly around all the time? Where was he the first four seasons? Why is he wearing a vest with no shirt under it? Despite my many questions about The Unit, he's certainly made this season more interesting, and last night's episode was no exception...

"Myself and The Unit are ready to gym, tan, tell the truth," Mike says as he and Jonny douche-walk over to Snooki and Jionni. But in a case of Tebow-esque divine intervention, a fight breaks out and The Unit is bounced from the club before he gets a chance to ruin Snooki's relationship. Clearly, God loves the Snooks as much as I do. The next morning, the whole crew calls Vinny and receives the bummer news that he's not planning to return to the house anytime soon. Everyone (especially Pauly) is feeling a bit down. Fortunately, in Seaside, that means it's time to party...

It's Pauly's 31st (!) birthday and Mike does the honorable thing by sending a seemingly DTF Bosnian his way. Amazingly, the chick so strongly prefers Mike, that she dips on Pauly (on his birthday) then comes back to the house in search of a smush session with The Sitch. Clearly, Bosnia is some sort of magical backwards land where people wear shoes on their hands and Nickelback is beloved by critics and audiences alike.

Unfortunately for the Bosnian, Mike is somehow "wifed up" with an attractive, seemingly normal chick. But The Sitch's good fortune doesn't last for long. While everyone goes all out for Pauly's birthday (including his entire family, and barber who made a surprise visit) no one seems to give a sh!t about Mike's own special day. Although, in fairness, Mike acts like a whiny b!tch as a result, thus reminding everyone why they don't want to celebrate his birthday.

Eventually, it all becomes too much for The Sitch and I found myself actually feeling a little bad for the "emotional dude." Predictably, he pulls a Vinny/Angelina, leaving the house in a last-ditch attempt to get some sympathy. C'mon dude...you didn't really think people were gonna beg you to come back, did you? Have you seen this show?

Is Pauly D Gay? Vinny and Pauly Act Like Gay Lovers.

onthepopmail@yahoo.com (Firecracker) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:42:35 EST

Vinny Guadagnino is a closet homosexual, IMO, and Pauly D is one too. Vinny left the Jersey Shore house on last Thursday's episode and, w hile packing his bags in his room, Vinny tells Pauly "The hardest part is leaving you." Now that was romantical!

Vinny and Pauly D's gay jokes don't just come in the form of words, they cum in the form of physical embraces, dry humping sessions, unwrapping condoms, and assuming the position.

On last Thursday's episode, Pauly hooks up with a girl and promptly kicks her out of the house AT 4 IN THE MORNING. She then returns the next day wearing a bikini and looking amazing and Pauly doesn't even glance at her body, he's more concerned with having her GTFO.

I was offended by Pauly D's actions, how he literally treats women like garbage, and then I remembered that he is so obviously queer. Jersey Shore has been around for like 4 years now and Pauly has never had a girlfriend and the same goes for Vinny?! There is literally no excuse, except they're batting for the other team. Well, they're batting for each other's team... well they're on the same damn team and I think Pauly's the pitcher and Vinny's the catcher.

Jonny "The Unit" Manfre on Snooki Fight, Drug Arrest

poponthepop@gmail.com (Lil Payne) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:03:04 EST

Jonny "The Unit" Manfre and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino may be BFFs, but it seems Jonny is giving Mike some serious competition in just about every area. Jonny's got the abs, the awful haircut, the retarded nickname - in just about every category that's important to Mike, Jonny's trying to be number one. Now, it seems, he's even gunning to be the biggest douche on Jersey Shore.

Jonny gave yet another interview recently, this time focusing on his arrest for cocaine possession and his decision to sober up. "I know that I am looked upon to be a role model by the young people out there and feel that I let them down by getting arrested," Jonny says in what may be the most delusional statement ever uttered. "I am now dedicated to using these mistakes as lessons to help some young people not make the same mistakes." Yeah, he may actually be a bigger d-bag than Mike. At least The Sitch doesn't take himself so damn seriously.

Jonny's way more interesting when he's talking about the fight between himself on Snooki on the season premiere of Shore. "I think we can all agree that once the initial fight with Snooki occurred, I became the Douchenator, on a mission to f**k with Snooks!" Douchenator. Couldn't have said it better myself.

So being a dick in front of cameras was fun, but the best part of his television debut? Seeing himself on screen and realizing, "The Unit is in amazing shape!" Referring to yourself in the third person? Douche checklist complete.

(Photo: WENN)