John Mayer
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I've become very fond of John Mayer with his satirical tweets and his outlook on the world in general. Besides his singing ability, his humor makes him very humpable and he's now giving his take on the whole Tiger Woods sex scandals.

In a recent interview, John says if Tiger was a single man "what sort of angle would there be to a text message? If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said 'I wanna wear your ass like a hat', why would that ever hit the news?" Good point, John. I think there would still be a fiasco over the texts even if Tiger was single because he never came off like a dude who was into sexting hot bitches. Just goes to show we don't know celebrities as well as we think we do. If only Tiger was sending those hot texts to men, we would really have a story!

John admits he sends dirty text messages to girls and it doesn't make the news because he's not married.

"If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty texts, then we got a story.' And that's why I won't do that. When I get married that's gonna be my vows, 'Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?' Yes, I do – you're the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life."

We totally get it John, but the problem is Tiger's married and was banging every female glory hole he could find. On a side note, John could wear my a** like a hat any time he wants and I'm always up for some kinky text messages, so look me up Johnny boy! 

Jennifer Aniston must have an amazing and magical naughty spot because John Mayer says he's "never really gotten over" his split with her and it was "one of the worst times of my life." Sounds like he had a case of being p*ssy whipped but couldn't see himself with her for the rest of his life.

"What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f**king fantastic, if I said to her, 'I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.'"

He's going to be on a long quest to find the right girl because he admits he's looking for the "Joshua Tree of vaginas." He should go back to Jennifer Love Hewitt now that she vagazzles her vajayjay. It doesn't get any better than that!

I've never stared at his chest long enough to notice, but John Mayer makes it sound like he's growing moobies and he's not happy about it. You have to love a man who admits he's growing boobs.

"I need to get back into the gym. I'm all for having boobs against my chest, but not when they're mine."

This confuses me because just about every man I know says if they had boobs they would play with them all day and never leave the house. So why doesn't John let them keep growing? He could have his own set of hot knockers.  I wish I had balls just so I could lay them across someones face like aviation goggles during a blow job, but that's a whole other issue.

John Mayer posted the following tweet in reference to Tiger Woods yesterday:

I've got to finish boning my mistress early so that I can go home and explain to my kid that he's lost a role model. What a shame.

I'm disgusted with John Player. I know shit about this man that would shame him. He is a whore and he needs to STFU. And when I say I know shit about him, I mean I'd like to get to know him biblically. I know people who've hung out with Jonny but I've never f*cked him. But we all know enough, right? The man is no saint and he has NO room to talk.

John Player even admitted to making out with Perez Hilton. He's like a bi-sexual man whore who needs to take a good long look in his bathroom mirror. And when he's in there, he should take some Grady Sizemore-like pics while he's at it.

I just love John Mayer. Isn't the reason why he's so irresistible his raw talent coupled with his impeccable sense of humor? And the good hair. And the nice body. And the luscious lips. Shall I continue?

John Player is hilarious and that gets the panties to drop equally as fast as some "Body is a Wonderland" crap or some of his electric guitar strumming. John tells Details magazine:

“I don’t have ‘f-ck-you’ money. I have ‘that’s my seat’ money.”

Maybe I'm just a groupie, shhhh, but I find Johnny's quote hilarious. As cocky as he is, there's still plenty of modesty in there and a lot of his misconceived cockiness is just sarcasm and humor. Mayer has yet to not make me LOL whenever I watch him in an interview and I can appreciate that.

Pull your bong out from the closet and your pipe from your sock drawer cause it's time to toke it up! John Mayer sings about smoking weed in his new song 'Who Says'.

In the opening of the song John sings "Who says I can't get stoned, turn off the lights and the telephone. Me in my house alone who says I can't get stoned" and I couldn't agree more. What you do behind closed doors is nobody else's business and you should be allowed to light one up if you'd like. John says pot isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be 

"It's not a dirty word. It's not a curse word. It's a presentation of an idea that makes people think a little harder about what they're listening to, which I don't think is the worst thing in the world."

Atta boy John! Weed isn't nearly as destructive to your health as drinking, smoking cigarettes, cocaine, heroin, huffing a can of compressed air, etc. I know many people who toke and you don't see them jumping up and starting fights like drunks do and they're not hungover the next morning because they smoked too much herb the night before. On the grand scale of things, weed is the least harmful than any drug out there and should be legalized, but that's just my opinion.

I want to know what kind of super powers John Mayer has in his wang to make Jennifer get back with him. He has some sort of magical penis that lures her back in. It must shoot fairy dust instead of sperm when he squirts.

Sources say Jennifer Aniston isn't done with John just yet and the two are rekindling their romance.

"He really got to her, and she's hooked on him,she just can't let go.There's something about John that she just can't resist."

John also thinks Jen is a great person to bang when he's bored and "he thinks she's amazing, nice and smart, and he has nothing but respect for her."

They were both seen in NYC on September 22 but were rumored to have hooked up later that night at the Four Seasons Hotel. Maniston may be back on, but they'll split up again by the time spring comes around.

To all those John Player fans that didn't wanna think John Mayer would go for a much younger, ditsy reality TV star, think again.

Earlier this month a rumor surfaced that Kristin Cavallari and John Player were engaging in a two-year f*ckship and they were ready to go public. John shot the rumors down with his signature hilarity via Twitter and we all didn't talk about it again. But with a new season of The Hills to promote, Kristin is talking about John.

The Hills star is now saying he asked her out -- and she declined.

"I just feel like I don't need to be another notch on his belt," she said on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday. But there's no hard feelings.

"I think he's a really nice guy..." Cavallari, 22, said of the singer, 31.

I don't think Kristin's that grounded. She may not have given John the cookie, but I'm sure he's had himself a few crumbs. "He's a really nice guy" is sometimes code for 'he's a giver in bed.'

I was totally worried John Mayer had jumped the shark by dating Kristin Cavallari, but he put those rumors to rest. It was perfect timing for the rumor since Kristin will be starring on The Hills this season.

I thought John made it pretty clear in his tweets that they never did the horizontal mambo; but Kristin wanted to remind us again that they never hooked up.

"I literally met John one time for five minutes. I am single, I'll tell you that. I'm 22. Why have a boyfriend? I'm having fun."

In true celebrity fashion, if you hug someone, you had sex with them. Wouldn't it be awesome if sex was that easy? Just put your arms around somebody and you shoot a load or wet your panties! Life would be so good.

I really understand Russell Brand's charm and allure. He's the tall bad boy with great hair and the British accent. Swoon.

Katy Perry was spotted tongue f*cking Russell at Lady Gaga's VMA afterparty.

The voracious womanizer was seen admiring Perry’s cleavage before kissing her as they sat on a banquette.

“They were sitting very close together, flirting and whispering to each other with their faces very close. Then Russell leaned in for a long kiss. It didn’t look like this was the first time. He was looking extremely pleased with himself.”

Onstage, he joked about her tight pants and mentioned that the two were staying at the same hotel. Later, backstage, he said, “I think I might have a bit of a thing for Katy Perry.”

It was busy weekend for Perry: On Friday, a spy also caught the “I Kissed a Girl” singer locking lips with John Mayer at Gold Bar.

Katy Perry doesn't seem to have a type, she goes for different guys. But if she had to choose between John Player or Russell Brand, who do you think she should go for? I say RUSSELL! It's blatantly obvious that John Player is self-absorbed and has made a habit of pulling the rug out from underneath his girlfriend's feet after a few months. I know they're not even going to start a f*ckship, but Katy and Russell would be adorable together, me thinks.