In case you didn’t know, Michael Phelps and I are not on the same page. Seriously, you should write this down.
Michael Phelps got in the pool in his hometown of Baltimore this week and said, “It was painful.” Huh?
“I’m a little out of shape. But I will be able to get back. I am going to start working out more.”
What does he consider to be “in shape”? My gut is getting in between us, literally and figuratively. My ass is not only way outta shape, it needs a good three years of training according to Michael’s standards. This is the price you pay for dating an athlete or anyone with a cut body. You will be considered obese in comparison to them. But I digress.
Michael also claims he doesn’t notice all the attention he gets from the ladies,… I believe it. Nerds don’t observe shit. You have to jump on their laps, put their hands in your special places and give ‘em a lap dance before they realize that, ‘hey, maybe she likes me?’
Mikey says,
“I don’t really notice it. When I go out, go to dinner, I go out with friends, and we stay to ourselves. I don’t think of myself as a sex symbol. My mom is by far the most important woman in my life.”
Uh, muthafucka… your body is a sex symbol, not your face. But since your body comes with your face, it’ll have to do for now, until you get some work done. I kid. I kid. I don’t care about his face because I wouldn’t look at it during sex.
Drew Barrymore attended the Kings of Leon concert in NYC Saturday night when she became a cougar, shoving her tongue down 21-year-old Gossip Girl star Ed Westwick’s throat.
After the concert, Barrymore, 33, and Westwick, 21, took their PDA to Bowery Electric. It is the second time in a week that Barrymore and Westwick locked lips.
They were spotted chatting this past weekend at a Saturday Night Live after-party, which The Kings of Leon also played. They then headed to NYC’s hip Fat Cat Billiards, where they stayed until 6 a.m., shooting pool with Gossip Girl cast members (including Crawford), actress Ellen Page and Emile Hirsch.
“Drew was hanging all over Ed!” denying more reports that she had also smooched Crawford. “They were full-on making out!” Adds the witness, “They were definitely all over each other. It was on!”
I dunno what I care about more - Drew and Ed making out or Ellen Page partying with the Gossip Girl cast? I love that closet lezzie. Anywho, Drew is like forever 15 years old and I love her for it. Get it, gurl.
I’m starting to think the sex really is better in Arizona. Maybe watching porn there is more arousing too, no matter where you’re viewing it.
A teacher in Phoenix hooked up his personal computer to a projector screen to teach his photography class, forgetting students could watch what he’s viewing.
“He forgot the projector screen was turned on and he started watching porn and we were all just like sitting there shocked that he was watching this in front of the class,” the student said.
The teenage students said they saw six video clips of what one student described as “torture porn, of like girls being tied up.” When they tried to get their instructor’s attention, he was too deeply engrossed in the porno to notice.
“He was just all into it, I don’t even think he was paying attention to us, he was just all in his computer. We were making comments like ‘Wow, what is he watching?’ and that kind of stuff but I think he was too into it to even notice.”
DAMN! I guess the females in the class have an advantage, they already know what he’s into. Now there’s no excuse for any of ‘em to receive anything lower than an A+.
Even with hand-on-ass, Michael Phelps still looks like a dork. I’m not saying he doesn’t have stamina and couldn’t bang ya for four days straight - screw Viagra’s four hours - but he’s a nerd. A nerd who can get more ass than Tommy Lee and Brody Jenner combined right now. Michael’s just like, ‘Watch me in action, and suck my big ears, losers!’
I’ll suck more than that for ya Michael. I’ll suck your knees, too. Heh. Gotta keep it clean for the kids.
Then in June Akon had security bring him a fan who threw a bottle onto the stage. Akon threw the thin boy into the crowd and he’s currently facing criminal charges for his act of kindness.
This time around, while performing in South America, Akon went crowd surfing when a female fan grabbed him. Akon decided that two of his female fans were worthy of the official “smack that,” shoving both girls hard, pushing them back into the crowd. Maybe he just wanted some inspiration for his next album?
Phelps was spotted Monday night in a hot make-out session with Down Under swimmer Stephanie Rice. The pumped-up pair clinched and swapped spit at a celebratory bash outside the Olympic Village.
The Baltimore Bullet swooped in for the lip-lock with the 20-year-old brunette just weeks after she split from Aussie swimmer Eamon Sullivan. “All the swimmers are talking about it, and [Sullivan] is cut up about what happened,” the source said.
The day after the face-sucking frolics, Phelps and Rice cheekily posed together for Speedo - laughing and playfully groping each other as a photographer snapped them in their swimsuits. “I definitely admire him for his athletic ability and everything he’s achieved,” gushed Rice, who won three gold medals of her own. “I’m just really glad to be in the mix with that.”
Whether the dynamic duo is now a couple isn’t known.
They are so not together, Michael’s at his peak right now, just having fun gettin’ it on with women who don’t think he’s nasty.
Does a player ever fess up?!!! John Mayer wants us to think, in his case, yes!
“There’s no lying, there’s no cheating, there’s no nothing,” Mayer told reporters Saturday about his split with Aniston after working out at an Equinox Gym in New York’s SoHo neighborhood.
If anything Mayer had only praise for his ex, saying: “Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.”
So what went wrong? “People are different, people have different chemistry,” said Mayer, who appeared emotional, nervous and sad. “I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”
The only reason why John appeared “emotional, nervous and sad” is because he has some new ho waiting for him at the gym he didn’t want the paps to see. Where is this video?!!
Whether John cheated or not, he dumps all of his bitches within two to eight months. That’s a man whore for ya.
UPDATE: To watch apologetic Johnny, click here for TMZ’s video.
In case you didn’t know, Michael Phelps and I are not on the same page. Seriously, you should write this down.
